Showing posts with label football. Show all posts
Showing posts with label football. Show all posts

Tuesday, November 30, 2021

Jack Grealish / KDB fanfiction, Chapter 5: Margin of Prudence

BBFC rating: PG for mild sex references and mild sexual innuendo




Author's disclaimer: I don't know De Bruyne or Grealish. This story is totally made up.

Catch up on Chapter 4, Red Light, Green Light, here.

Kevin De Bruyne’s 10-day spell in isolation was coming to an end, and for him, it couldn’t come soon enough.

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

Jack Grealish / KDB fanfiction, Chapter 3: Optics

BBFC rating: 12A (one use of strong language and moderate sexual innuendo)

Author's disclaimer: I don't know De Bruyne or Grealish. This story is complete fiction.

Chapter 2, A Spiritual Assist, was here.


As Kevin De Bruyne headed out to the Manchester City Football Academy training ground, he chuckled to himself about how his teammate Jack Grealish had absolutely zero chill around him.

Wednesday, August 18, 2021

Jack Grealish / KDB fanfiction, Chapter 2: A Spiritual Assist

BBFC rating: PG (mild bad language, mild sex references)

Author's disclaimer: I don't know Grealish or De Bruyne. This story is complete fiction. 

Chapter 1 was here.



Whenever a goal was scored in the Premier League, the Fantasy Premier League Twitter account would immediately relay this information to the world, announcing who got the goal, and who provided the assist. 

Tuesday, August 10, 2021

Jack Grealish / KDB fanfiction, Chapter 1: Bruynian Motion

Chapter 1: Bruynian Motion



BBFC rating – U (mild angst)


Author's disclaimer: I don't know De Bruyne, I don't know Grealish. This story is purely the fantastical whimsy of a hyperactive imagination. All feedback welcome, good or bad. If you like the story, let me know so it incentivises me to keep writing!

Sunday, August 04, 2019

My Gal Gadot piercing

As part of my job, I have to sit professional exams in order to become a qualified actuary. My first sitting for these exams were this April, where I sat two. I was fairly confident that I'd passed Statistics but almost certain that I failed Maths.

So, imagine my euphoria come results day in early July, when I saw my name on the pass list for both exams that I sat! An exam pass is so much more satisfying when you've made peace with yourself that you were going to fail it!

As a treat to myself for all that hard work I put into those passes (I was knee-deep in revision notes all the way through April; I didn't even know certain football matches had happened), I got the top of my ear pierced, as photographed below:


Given how passionate I am about films and film star culture, it should come as no surprise to you that I was inspired to get this cartilage piercing, after seeing it on Gal Gadot:


I'm not so vain and deluded that I consider myself remotely in even the same league as Ms. Gadot, but at least now I have something in common with my own pick for the most gorgeous woman in a 2016 film!

Monday, August 13, 2018

My Moneyball moment


Earlier this year, I had a job interview for a Finance role, wherein I had to give a pitch about myself. I found the task a little daunting (how does one sell themselves without sounding egotistical?), but I remembered one of the fundamental tenets of good film writing: show, don't tell.

Rather than tell my interviewers what I could do, I thought I'd show them. I said I had some experience with R, and put my money where my mouth was in the form of this graph:


So there you go: my very own "Jonah Hill in Moneyball" moment. And just like Hill's character convinced Brad Pitt with his expert understanding of baseball economics, I convinced my interviewers thanks to my graph of goals scored by Chelsea players!

And they say films don't teach you anything. ;)

Sunday, July 15, 2018

Guess the Footballer: Hard

Finally, here are eight from The Times, plus an extra (rather awfully drawn, far too on the nose) one that I did.

The answers to yesterday's medium level puzzlers are at the end of this blog.

Enjoy!

1. 

Thursday, July 12, 2018

Guess the Footballer: Easy

So, England are out of the World Cup, getting beaten by a Croatia side who simply had more guile and experience than them.

As predicted, I am ambivalent about this loss, largely because my main draw for supporting England spent the majority of the tournament warming the bench (at least Gaz had Phil Jones to keep him company).

Also, I despise Jamie Vardy and will never quite forgive the British press (especially a certain football journalist who I used to be on quite good terms with #cryptic) for affording Vardy a free pass for racially abusing a Japanese man.

These same football journalists wrote mini-tomes about racism when Suarez and Terry did it. And to me, an east Asian, the silence from the hacks after Vardy’s choice word selection is a pretty clear sign that the British media don’t think racism against east Asians is problematic.

By not acting, the British press was complicit in the racism that I have suffered and continue to suffer.

That being said, there was a certain spark in the England side of the 2018 World Cup that was a joy to watch at times, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get swept up in the momentous occasion of us winning our first penalty shoot-out in an international tournament since 1996. There's also something to be said for seeing the country unify over a common cause, especially when the weather was so gorgeous too.


In the final, I’ll be supporting France, a decision that I'm not ashamed to admit that is largely driven by aesthetic reasons.


Wednesday, July 04, 2018

The 10 Most Handsome Footballers of the 2018 World Cup

Happy Hump Day!! 

Now that we're through to the quarter-final stage of the 2018 World Cup, I have officially seen all of the talent, shall we say, on display, to be able to have done enough research for who I think are the ten smokeshows of the tournament.

Thus, this is a thirst-heavy blog. Photos, gifs, and general swooning of some Adonises will be in abundance. It was quite a challenge to find variations of saying 'he's hot' over and over, but somehow, I managed it!

As with my choices for best and worst dressed at the 2018 Oscars, I'm not even going to pretend the list isn't heavily influenced by my personal opinion of the men in question (and club loyalties). I also have rather, niche, shall we say, taste in men - check out my list of hottest guys in the 2016 Euros.

10. Ruben Loftus-Cheek (England)

What a handsome man. His smile is like a gift from God, and he manages to balance appearing youthful with working a suave moustache.

Saturday, June 23, 2018

If music be the food of love, play on

My captain didn't play in England's 2-1 win against Tunisia on Monday, and thus, I foresee myself spending much of this World Cup releasing an album, full of nothing but songs moaning about Gaz's lack of game time!

He may not be starting, but Cahill's presence in Russia means the British media are at least taking photos of him in Russian art galleries for me, so I can't whine too much.


Wednesday, June 13, 2018

This is not just a photoshoot. This is an M&S photoshoot.

Happy Hump Day, readers! The World Cup starts tomorrow, and I am officially pumped.

Despite me supporting France in the 2018 World Cup as I did in the 2016 Euros (with my second teams being South Korea, Japan and Croatia), and me following the England national team with the same emotional whiplashing (not-so-subtle plug of a sick Miles Teller film, there) of love and hate that I had for them in the 2016 Euros (because of that racist Vardy), I will of course be keeping a beady eye on the exploits of my national team. How can I not, when Gary Baehill is in the squad?

The team had their official photoshoot yesterday, kitted out in a rather dapper, and more than a little tight Marks and Spencer three-piece-suits:


Couple thoughts on this photo:


Monday, June 11, 2018

13 Lookalikes Why

Season 2 of 13 Reasons Why was so dreadful that I lost interest in the contrived plot at several points, and instead focused on how some of the cast members looked like footballers. In the spirit of the 2018 World Cup, which begins this Thursday, here are thirteen dubious actor/footballer lookalikes!




Friday, June 09, 2017

Celebrity sighting: David James at King's Cross train station.


I met Per Mertesacker last year. I wonder which footballer I'll meet next. Dare I suggest... the racist scrote?

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

OOTD: Pink is the new blue.

What I wore to watch my team beat Bournemouth 3-0 on Boxing Day!

Glasses: Red or Dead
Scarf: Monsoon Accessorize
Pink thermal top: Uniqlo
Football shirt: Chelsea FC
Trousers: Marks and Spencer
Lipstick: birthday gift from a friend (hehe)


Thursday, December 15, 2016

A few photos I took from Spurs v Crystal Palace ladies at Cheshunt football ground.

Friday, December 09, 2016

Two Guns (the Sequel).



The last time I waxed lyrical about Gary Cahill's insane biceps, Chelsea had beaten Manchester City at the Etihad. Well, this weekend, we beat Manchester City at the Etihad (ironically enough, the man with the golden guns scored an own-goal, but we'll just chalk that down to him kindly giving Agüero a masterclass in finishing), so it's time for another appreciatory post  for Gazatron's arms!

The best arms in football, bar none. Appreciate his commitment to constantly making them even bigger, too.

------

I shan't be watching Passengers. It stars a certain actress who's acting prowess I don't exactly hold in the highest regard,  and I don't like sci-fi much (Arrival was an exception to this rule). Plus I don't see the point in hate-watching a movie when I barely have time to view the many films I actually want to see.

However, whilst I'm still staunchly 'you'd have to drag me to the cinema to see this', I have to admit the BBFC have trolled me slightly, in that by using 'sexual activity' rather than 'sex' in the short insight, my interest is piqued as to what the 'sexual activity' is.

I've noticed an increase in the prevalence of this curio turn of phrase recently. It seems to be employed for situations rather than intercourse, e.g. describing the masturbation scene in The Survivalist. In Childhood of a Leader (a shining example of a film I'd love to see but sadly didn't because the Odeon didn't screen it), a film rated 12A for moderate sexual activity, the activity in question is a husband running his hand along his wife's leg in a horny manner.

Which is fair enough, it's good to be prescriptive and delineate the lines between a shag and sexual behaviour to the audience. But I'm intrigued as to why it's been used in Passengers' case, given that in interviews about this film, Lawrence has been bleating on and on about her sex scene with Chris Pratt, and even falsely claiming this love scene is her first. (I've seen Serena, Jennifer. You might like to pretend that film never happened, but I saw it).  She also had a sex scene with the late Anton Yelchin (RIP) in Like Crazy, so I don't know why she's pushing selling the fallacious narrative that this is her, quote, 'first sex scene'. To sell more tickets for the film, perhaps? ðŸ¤”🤔🤔

So I would have thought Passengers would feature an out-and-out love scene. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they start having Cesc, then J-law's character starts reading her whiny essay about how underpaid she was for American Hustle instead and Pratt's character loses his wood.

Just speculating.

Monday, October 31, 2016

Greetings from Paris.

Had my caricature drawn this evening, which I found amusing:

A caricature. Like Jennifer Lawrence's unbearable performance in American Hustle.

My best friend Anna said the look on my face in this picture is identical to the look on my face when I'm talking to someone who's boring me. Ehehe.

The French get Park Chan-Wook's Handmaiden, my most anticipated movie of 2016, three months before the British do! No fair.

By the way, I like that France has stayed true to the literal meaning of the film's title, Agassi in their translation, rather than giving a slightly more specific meaning to the title, as we've done.

And finally, a side-by-side of the The Accountant poster in the metro in Paris and the underground in London:


Strange how despite staying true to Agassi's title, they decided to re-brand The Accountant with a new title of their own!

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Film review: I, DANIEL BLAKE (Ken Loach, 2016)



Geordie Daniel Blake (Dave Johns), a lifelong carpenter who's recently suffered a stroke, is signed off work by his doctors and physios. He's a determined chap, who's unafraid of graft and unfazed when his neighbour tells him that many before him have given up due to the countless hoops they have to jump through to get Job Seekers' Allowance. But Dan soon finds that the behemoth bureaucracy facing him as he tries to sign onto JSA proves to be a more arduous task than any physical challenge he's ever been given.

He meets Katie (Hayley Squires), a single mother of two who has been relocated from London as Newcastle is the only area that can house her family in a fracas at the Job Centre. The two form a bond and Daniel's easygoing personality wins the affection of Katie's two young children. Katie tentatively tells Dan of her plans to get a part-time job and pursue an Open University degree. For the briefest of moments, the film hints at deliverance.

But sadly life isn't like that. Katie forgoes dinner in order to feed her kids and has to resort to less than ideal methods just so she can buy necessities like deodorant. Meanwhile, the Job Center continue to make Daniel jump through unfeasible hoops in order to procure his allowance. He tries to tackle every task, such as learning to use the computer, in a workmanlike fashion, but his efforts are slammed for not being good enough.

Wry laughs pepper the film. Dan's straight-talking bluntness and his endearing attempts to tackle technology are amusing, but even these funny scenes are underscored with sadness. After days of trying to sign up to JSA on the computer to no avail, his friend prints out a form the Job Centre could have easily handed to him. Ken Loach's point about the nebulous directions of those In Charge could not be clearer. 

I, Daniel Blake is a tremendously affecting, and illustrates the power of narrative cinema, when effectively handled. After all, reading an account of how some families live below the breadline in the newspaper may evoke an 'ah' from the reader, or in some cases, aversion at being preached at. But watching Daniel and Katie's daily struggles is harrowing; the sight of Katie eating baked beans from the tin out of sheer hunger in the film's most devastating scene, set at a food bank, says more than any amount of column inches could.

I, Daniel Blake illustrates what real problems are and makes the audience grateful for their lot. Dave Johns, Hayley Squires and the rest of the (unheard of) cast all give authentic, natural performances, and the dialogue between characters feel organic. You come to really feel for the central characters: Daniel just wants to be treated with respect, something the Job Centre who regard him as currency, don't afford him, and Katie, who's stoic parent would endure anything to provide for her kids. The level of pathos she incurs as she tries to fulfil this is almost unbearable.

There are a few minor missteps-- Daniel's neighbours' attempts to flog imitation trainers was an amusing sidenote, but added nothing to the film other than giving it some temporal grounding (a character refers to Charlie Adam's goal from the halfway line against Chelsea, setting the year in 2015. Stupid Courtois) The hagiography of the entire working class and depiction of everyone in management as pedantic fools obsessed with keeping Daniel trapped in the Kafka-esque web of 'The Decision Maker' was anything but subtle. Life isn't quite as black and white as that. I also felt the film ended a little abruptly, although this must have been a conscious decision on Loach's part to deprive the audience of closure, which would have been dishonest.

To its credit, the film avoids the temptation to sensationalise poverty, spoon-feeding the audience sanctimonious platitudes that might turn them off such a film and have them rolling their eyes at the contrivances on screen. Plenty of films have been guilty of going overboard in depicting the descent to hell to the point that it felt like the director was taking sadistic relish from piling on the misery. Darren Aronofsky's Requiem for a Dream immediately comes to mind.

But Ken Loach's unfussy, raw directorial approach lets the unflinching gaze of real hardship the characters are put through do the talking. A sobering, heartbreaking watch, but a topical one.

 8.5/10

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Check out the rest of my reviews here!

Saturday, October 08, 2016

Film review: MISSION MILANO [WANG PAI DOU WANG PAI] (Wang Jing, Jing Wong, 2016)

Wang Jing and Jing Wong's painfully unfunny spy spoof sees Andy Lau's Interpol officer Agent Sampan Hung joining forces with Huang Xiaoming's playboy entrepreneur to retrieve a 'Seed of God' which has been stolen from them by a shady Japanese crime syndicate, Crescent. Their mission sees them bounce from Macau to Milan before ending up in eastern Europe. Along the way is all manner of comedy of errors as the directors and writers try to desecrate the memory of all decent spy films by pastiching them, woefully.

I was intrigued by Mission Milano, mainly because I noticed that the broadsheet papers, which review about ten film releases a week, didn't review this title. Having watched it, I can see why. This is one of the cheapest, tackiest films I've ever seen. It's an OTT satire, and thus, the audience are not supposed to take things too seriously. I'm not sure the cast and crew are supposed to heed that advice so rigorously, though. Characters have a nonplussed look on their face for the majority of the film, even when a knife is pressed up against their faces. The props alone would give any Hollywood set director nightmares; even the knives which get thrown around look plastic!

There's a big case of 'you don't know what you're doing' which indicates that the film could have done with a European script consultant. The film title pays homage to Milan, an Italian metropolis. Yet the Bond-inflected score which runs throughout, has a distinctly Spanish flavour. Furthermore, one of the scenes is supposed to take place in AC Milan's final. Due to budgetary restrictions (something which is all too prevalent throughout the film), the filmmakers were unable to properly superimpose footage of such a busy match, and instead show shots of the football-going crowd that is half empty. AC MILAN'S FINAL WOULDN'T BE HALF-EMPTY, YO!!!

I'm sympathetic to the fact that Chinese films don't get the eye-watering funding that their Hollywood counterparts do, so they can't compete with them on elements like CGI. But if that's the case, Chinese film companies shouldn't strive to be making films like this, which require extensive amounts of CGI, and thus nakedly reveal the gulf in quality of special effects in American and Chinese movies. When there's a disconnect between ambition and means, the result is Mission Milano.

The cast are all pretty awful, save 16-year-old Nana Ou-Yang, who has the fresh-faced naiveness of an oriental Hailee Steinfeld, and was winning in her scenes. I don't blame the flat acting so much on the cast, as I do the thinly sketched / inconsistent characters. For example, Andy Lau's Agent Sampan is supposed to be a hard man and a suave lady's man, all in one (massive Bond rip-off). Yet at inopportune moments, he's found longing over his ex-wife. This isn't even a Casino Royale case of cause-and-effect, where his character is crusty because he was burned in the past. The film wants him to be both sensitive and frosty at the same time.

I would be lying if I said I was stony faced for the entire 102 minute running time. There were several occasions when I let out a splutter - often of disbelief at how much they were insulting the audience's intelligence with such a gaping plot-holes, and when the writers ran out of spy movies to send up, they turned to Star Wars, which took me by surprise. There were some cheap visual gags which tickled me, including a weird seduction sequence featuring some toe-sucking which quite frankly, I was amazed the BBFC passed at 12A (not the first time the BBFC have dubiously classified a 2016 Chinese film, now is it?). But overall, this is mindless,  tonally uneven, low-rent film making.

Barely anyone will see this film (there was only one other person in the audience other than me). And that's how it should be.

4/10

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Three OOTDs from this week.

Wednesday lunch
T-shirt: Debenham's
Khaki shorts: Oasis
Glasses: Twiggy for Aurora (review of said glasses). Glasses worn in the next two OOTDs!

Wednesday evening

Dress: Oasis (also employed in the OOTD here
Handbag: Michael Kors
Sandals: TK Maxx
Hoop earrings: New Look

Friday evening
Football jersey: Chelsea FC