Jack Grealish / KDB fanfiction, Chapter 4: Red Light, Green Light

BBFC rating: 12A (one use of strong language, moderate sex references and moderate sexual innuendo)

Author’s disclaimer: I don’t know Grealish or De Bruyne. This story is complete fiction.

Chapter 3, Optics, was here.

A hug is just a hug, a sigh is just a sigh

Congratulations to France on winning the World Cup!

As I said before the tournament began, they were who I wanted to win, largely because they have the dishiest squad, but also because two of their starting XI, N’Golo Kanté (the happiest man ever) and Olivier Giroud, are Chelsea players, so Chelsea can claim 18.2% of the victory.

Part of me wanted France to win for vengeful Gone Girlish reasons: England football fans love to sing that intolerable ‘it’s coming home’ song, and it would put their backs up something awful seeing the trophy ‘come home’ to their Gallic neighbours, instead. 

And, as I’ve mentioned, I feel English football fans don’t deserve to be rewarded, given the no small part they play in normalising racism against my people. The BBC presenter Gary Lineker making excuses for Jamie Vardy’s usage of ‘Jap’ is a shining example of how racism against east Asians in this country is considered fair game.

But yes, congratulations to France! I’m delighted that Hugo Lloris, who has been toiling endlessly to no fruition at White Hart Lane, finally gets to experience glory!

My last World Cup-related blog that I will do before reverting to my status quo of pedantic BBFC blogs and throwing shade at restaurants, is ten adorable bromantic intra-club moments from the tournament this year. 

This World Cup has been absolutely immense, the Banter World Cup, if you will, featuring sensational goals (my personal favourite was Benjamin Chalamet’s one against Argentina), thrilling games, hilarious moments and memes and general WTF-ery arising from the use of VAR on margin calls. And I’ve loved every minute of it.

But my favourite thing about the World Cup, and all international football tournaments, for that matter, remains the lovely display of fraternity between footballers from the same team (but opposing countries) at the end of the game.

Remember, before the World Cup started, the thing I was most excited for was some manlove between Chelsea club-mates Gary Cahill and Eden Hazard. Did my expectation get fulfilled? Read on to see!

A disclaimer, that these are just ten bromances that involved players who I like.

Needless to say, there were a plenty more than just ten displays of intra-club fraternity throughout the World Cup, such as, for example, Sergio Ramos (the Spain and Real Madrid captain) hugging  his club-mate Cristiano Ronaldo (Portugal captain and general showboater) after Spain v Portugal in the group stages. But I don’t like either of them (the fact that I put both in my World Cup Ugly XI may be somewhat of a giveaway...), so I didn’t think it was worth chasing pictures of the moment, aha.

In chronological order…

Guess the Footballer: Medium

Continuing with the game I showed yesterday, here are the pictionaries which are a tad trickier! At the end, I'll provide the answers to the ones from yesterday!

1.

The 10 Most Handsome Footballers of the 2018 World Cup

Happy Hump Day!! 

Now that we're through to the quarter-final stage of the 2018 World Cup, I have officially seen all of the talent, shall we say, on display, to be able to have done enough research for who I think are the ten smokeshows of the tournament.

Thus, this is a thirst-heavy blog. Photos, gifs, and general swooning of some Adonises will be in abundance. It was quite a challenge to find variations of saying 'he's hot' over and over, but somehow, I managed it!

As with my choices for best and worst dressed at the 2018 Oscars, I'm not even going to pretend the list isn't heavily influenced by my personal opinion of the men in question (and club loyalties). I also have rather, niche, shall we say, taste in men - check out my list of hottest guys in the 2016 Euros.

10. Ruben Loftus-Cheek (England)

What a handsome man. His smile is like a gift from God, and he manages to balance appearing youthful with working a suave moustache.

Gorgeous pavement art at Trafalgar Square.

Hottest Footballers in Euro 2016.

According to my more-than-a-little dubious definition of male beauty, of course.

 10. Aaron Ramsey (Wales) 

I simply can't use a recent picture because that peroxide blonde job doesn't do him any favours. I prefer his hair colour when it's natural.

09. Kyle Lafferty (Northern Ireland)

I don't usually like tats on a chap, but I'll make an exception for Kyle.

08. Matts Hummels (Germany) 

hello, sailor

07. Cesc Fàbregas (Spain) 

I never admitted to finding him Cescy when he played for Arsenal or Rob Brown's team, funny, that.

06. Jan Vertonghen (Belgium)

In the premier league, he's one of the slyest bellends around. But something about his face resembles that of Nick from Zootropolis. Which I mean as a compliment, of course.

05. Vedran Corluka (Croatia)  

I could just get lost in his eyes. And he's willing to play on with a face full of blood, too. Hero.

04. Hugo Lloris (France) 

The finest beard in football since Jamie Redknapp. And I adore his Gallic charm.

03. Eden Hazard (Belgium) 

Belgium's captain has the 100th juiciest bum in the world as ranked by The Guardian. A health hazard, if you will.

02. Antoine Griezmann (France) 

Dat face is a freaking work of art. Jean-Pierre Léaud's character in Les 400 coups is now no longer my favourite Antoine.

01. Gary Cahill (England) 

Sun's out, gun's out, mofos.

Bar review: LOWLANDER GRAND CAFE (Covent Garden)

One for the Belgian beer connoisseurs out there, Lowlander, a trendy pub with a wide range of beers from around the world, specialising in Belgian ones. 15 beers are available on tap and a wide variety come in bottles, meaning even beer-phobics will certainly find something they'll enjoy tasting. I cannot recommend the banana beer, pictured above, enough!

It's a bit more packed and congested than your typical pub, so after you've had a few you have to be careful not to tread on anyone's toes when navigating the pub. It's also a bit more expensive than usual. But in my opinion, the little extra is worth the money, for the experience of drinking in unusual glasses, like the one pictured below!

Grade: B+

Selfie with bae.

 

 Hat: Chelsea football club

Hoodie: University of Bath

Earrings: China

Glasses: Red or Dead

RESTAURANT REVIEW: Belgo Centraal (Covent Garden)

Audrey Hepburn. Hercule Poirot. Eden Hazard. What do that three eclectic threesome have in common? That would be the element they also have in common with this restaurant: Belgium. Prior to visiting Belgo Centraal I wasn’t sure just what constituted ‘Belgian cuisine’, expecting nothing more than a wide selection of waffles.

Having been to the restaurant, I must admit that I am not any closer to being enlightened. The croquettes we had for starters, whilst being perfectly edible, didn’t have any crowning features that elevated it above the McDonald’s cheesy bites, so I was left pondering just how Belgian it was. My main – garlic chicken – whilst certainly lightyears ahead of the dross they serve at Nando’s, again, didn’t seem to have a particular secret ingredient that made it any more Belgian than anything else I’d ever consumed. Perhaps I’m being churlish – had the waiters spent more time educating me, I would have left the restaurant happier, and my taste buds feeling more cultured. Instead, I just felt like I’d had a nice meal, but without any geographical component to it.

The majority of the food tasted good, although the frites ordered for sides did not deliver; the stuff they churn out at KFC is less stale than the Belgo crap. The turnover for food orders was swift, but I can’t help feeling the quality suffered at its expense. The mussel-to-shell ratio was also disappointing; the mussel in the above photo are so artfully arranged that it detracts from the fact that you aren't actually getting very much fish at all. Same goes for the prawn starters - it cost about six pounds, but  the shell took up far more space than any real food. I dislike being conned, just saying. Do you want to know something else I dislike? Waiters who take ages when you ask them for tissues. The food at Belgo was very difficult to eat tidily, and I requested some extra tissues. They did arrive – but only after I prompted the waiters again. Not impressed.

The highlight of my visit to Belgo was undoubtedly the beer selection, arguably the only legitimately Belgian thing about the whole place. There were some wonderfully quirky sounding beers, served in such a generous portion that the alcohol content almost makes you forget about the chips that you’ve been ripped off for. Even for those who aren’t usually big on beer, I guarantee there’ll be something in the selection at Belgo there – check out the fruit beers.

Overall, I enjoyed my dining experience at Belgo, and would particularly recommend it beer-drinkers. In terms of food, I was satisfied, without being so blown away that I would hurry back.

Grade: B-