Restaurant review: SANTA MARIA (Fitzrovia)

Earlier in the lockdown, I'd tried my hand at making a pizza from scratch. It was a solid effort given my complete lack of experience in the department, but it wasn't a patch on the pizzas from Santa Maria, a restaurant which I had had the good fortune to visit at the tail end of 2019.

Santa Maria is a small restaurant, whose aim is to bring the charm and flavour of Napoli to London. The staff are very welcoming - when I asked about what types of cheese I could add to my pizza, the waiter actually took the time to give me a thoughtful, detailed, response. This is a far cry from the eye rolls that I am usually met with in most central London restaurants when I ask the waiters for help ordering.

The recommendations he made were astute as well:

Restaurant review: CANTINA DEL PONTE (South Bank)

Situated by the riverside are a range of restaurants, which entice traveling commuters in with their fragrant smells and sought-after location. I try to avoid falling into the trap of dining at a place just because it happens to be in the right place at the right time when I'm hungry, but one day last Summer, I gave in. Such were the options available, I thought Cantina del Ponte looked like the best best of the restaurants on offer, and thus, gave it my custom.

Restaurant review: PREZZO (New Oxford Street)

Now that there’s a post-Oscar lull, my blog feels weirdly directionless. I’m currently consuming any black and white films I can get my hands on, so expect random review of classic movies! I shall also attempt to make my way through the huge backlog of restaurants and bars I’ve frequented (although the rate I dine out far outstrips the rate at which I review places!).

I attended Prezzo with a BuyAGift voucher, where the deal on the website was £30 for a three-course-meal with a glass of wine.

Restaurant review: CARLUCCIO'S (Smithfield)

Carluccio's is a spacious, welcoming Italian restaurant, with very reasonable prices. I dined there for a team dinner a few months ago, when we all had the set menu (3 courses for £17.99, a £3.50 surcharge for the steak).

The Pizza Express Master-post.

I've dined at Pizza Express a few times in the last month (pro tip: if you attend Pizza Express using Nectar or Tesco points, one point can earn you 4 times what the point would get you in store, so it makes sense to trade your points in for Pizza Express credits!), and I thought I'd share my thoughts on each of the individual pizzas/pastas/meals I tasted there!

Sloppy Giuseppe: the green pepper is super-spicy, and complements the beef well.  The pizza could have stood to have more cheese. 7/10.

Restaurant review: TRULLO (Islington)

Situated very close to Highbury and Islington overground station is Trullo, a rustic, understated, yet very welcoming Italian restaurant.

Trullo has a reputation for its friendly staff, and indeed, the people who waited on us were absolutely lovely, helpfully giving tips whilst making sure we were fully stocked with regards to water. After completing one of our dishes (the pasta one), I asked to keep the plate on the table to polish off the sauce using bread, which they seemed perfectly cool with. I dig that; at a poncier place such plebbish behaviour might have earnt me and eye roll from the waiters.

For starter, we shared the mozzarella dish, pictured below:

Restaurant review: AZZURRO (Waterloo)

My friend Kieran and I had lunch here on Christmas Eve (here's a picture of us) when we'd both had very little for breakfast and were starving, once again proving the rule that you shouldn't decide where to eat when you're hungry.

Bar review: OLIVER'S JAZZ BAR (Greenwich)

A labyrinth-style underground bar that features live jazz acts in Greenwich, this was my first time in seven months listening to live music, and the performers were so adept at their music that it definitely didn't disappoint. 

Films and TV shows that have been rated 15 with absolutely no 'strong' components.

This blogpost will be continually updated with screenshots, film posters and back of DVDs that contain a fairly uncommon occurrence: things rated 15 for merely 'moderate' things.

Film review: HOUSEBOAT (Melville Shavelson, 1958)

This review is my entry to Phyllis Loves Classic Movies’s fabulous Cary Grant blogathon, where every entry is a celebration of the man’s varied and illustrious CV. Head on over there to read about all the films he’s been in!

-- 

Tom Winston (Grant), a recently widowed father of three young kids, and Cinzia Zaccardi (Sophia Loren), the aristocratic daughter of an Italian count who plays childminder to the kids, find unlikely love (and a whole lot of miscommunication) in Melville Shavelson’s gentle 50s comedy.

Film review: MISSION MILANO [WANG PAI DOU WANG PAI] (Wang Jing, Jing Wong, 2016)

Wang Jing and Jing Wong's painfully unfunny spy spoof sees Andy Lau's Interpol officer Agent Sampan Hung joining forces with Huang Xiaoming's playboy entrepreneur to retrieve a 'Seed of God' which has been stolen from them by a shady Japanese crime syndicate, Crescent. Their mission sees them bounce from Macau to Milan before ending up in eastern Europe. Along the way is all manner of comedy of errors as the directors and writers try to desecrate the memory of all decent spy films by pastiching them, woefully.

I was intrigued by Mission Milano, mainly because I noticed that the broadsheet papers, which review about ten film releases a week, didn't review this title. Having watched it, I can see why. This is one of the cheapest, tackiest films I've ever seen. It's an OTT satire, and thus, the audience are not supposed to take things too seriously. I'm not sure the cast and crew are supposed to heed that advice so rigorously, though. Characters have a nonplussed look on their face for the majority of the film, even when a knife is pressed up against their faces. The props alone would give any Hollywood set director nightmares; even the knives which get thrown around look plastic!

There's a big case of 'you don't know what you're doing' which indicates that the film could have done with a European script consultant. The film title pays homage to Milan, an Italian metropolis. Yet the Bond-inflected score which runs throughout, has a distinctly Spanish flavour. Furthermore, one of the scenes is supposed to take place in AC Milan's final. Due to budgetary restrictions (something which is all too prevalent throughout the film), the filmmakers were unable to properly superimpose footage of such a busy match, and instead show shots of the football-going crowd that is half empty. AC MILAN'S FINAL WOULDN'T BE HALF-EMPTY, YO!!!

I'm sympathetic to the fact that Chinese films don't get the eye-watering funding that their Hollywood counterparts do, so they can't compete with them on elements like CGI. But if that's the case, Chinese film companies shouldn't strive to be making films like this, which require extensive amounts of CGI, and thus nakedly reveal the gulf in quality of special effects in American and Chinese movies. When there's a disconnect between ambition and means, the result is Mission Milano.

The cast are all pretty awful, save 16-year-old Nana Ou-Yang, who has the fresh-faced naiveness of an oriental Hailee Steinfeld, and was winning in her scenes. I don't blame the flat acting so much on the cast, as I do the thinly sketched / inconsistent characters. For example, Andy Lau's Agent Sampan is supposed to be a hard man and a suave lady's man, all in one (massive Bond rip-off). Yet at inopportune moments, he's found longing over his ex-wife. This isn't even a Casino Royale case of cause-and-effect, where his character is crusty because he was burned in the past. The film wants him to be both sensitive and frosty at the same time.

I would be lying if I said I was stony faced for the entire 102 minute running time. There were several occasions when I let out a splutter - often of disbelief at how much they were insulting the audience's intelligence with such a gaping plot-holes, and when the writers ran out of spy movies to send up, they turned to Star Wars, which took me by surprise. There were some cheap visual gags which tickled me, including a weird seduction sequence featuring some toe-sucking which quite frankly, I was amazed the BBFC passed at 12A (not the first time the BBFC have dubiously classified a 2016 Chinese film, now is it?). But overall, this is mindless,  tonally uneven, low-rent film making.

Barely anyone will see this film (there was only one other person in the audience other than me). And that's how it should be.

4/10

Restaurant review: BACCO RESTAURANT AND WINE BAR (Holborn)

Bacco is an extremely classy Italian restaurant that’s somewhat hidden in Holborn. One can’t help thinking that it would have the volume of clients it merits if it were located in trendy Shoreditch or Soho instead, but the fact that it wasn’t jam packed meant that people who visited benefited from almost exclusive service, something that would be unheard of in the better known London districts.

It’s worth hunting the location of Bacco out because the restaurant and wine bar, like Jonah Hill’s acting skills, is remarkably versatile: it can be visited for a romantic dinner, yet also represents a great avenue for a boozy night out with friends.

I had spaghetti bolognese and I’m genuinely not hyperbolising when I’m saying it was the best spag bol I’ve ever had! It put every other spag bol I’ve ever had to shame, especially the dross I had the misfortune of being served at Theo Randall, which, even though occurred five years ago, was so overpriced and disgusting that it’s etched into my memory. 

At a lot of restaurants in London you either get quality or quantity with your dishes and not both. Sadly it's just an artefact of visiting London restaurants; these places ride on their location. But my main here, pictured above, had both; diners are treated to a hearty amount of delicious cooking. The way the beef, chilli, cheese and spaghetti intertwined was heavenly, and whatever herbs the chefs used,  they really bought out the flavour of the meal.

The dessert was also fabulous, a tiramisu with a macaroon on the side. The macaroon wasn’t just there to look pretty, it tasted amazing, and gave the dessert an extra dimension. I loved that the tiramisu was intricately homemade, light-years ahead of the out-of-the-box crap Ravello tried to con punters with. Hilariously, both are about the same price. 

A white Russian washed my dinner down sumptuously, indicating that there is nothing Bacco does wrong.

The service from Bacco was efficient and the waiters were attentive, topping up my tap water as soon as the level fell slightly below the middle of the glass.

I have nothing but praise for this exceptional restaurant. It’s a tiny bit more than I usually pay for a dinner, but it’s definitely value for money. Check it out.

Grade: A

Restaurant review: THE NARROW (Limehouse)

Situated just by the pier and boasting a gorgeous view, The Narrow is an ideal location for a Sunday roast (The Narrow does roasts every Sunday), a rewind pint (or six) with friends, or just to have a solitary drink by yourself by gathering your thoughts, looking over the pier.

As tempted as I was by the roast on the menu, I worried that it may be a bit heavy for a Summer's day, so instead, I ordered the fish and chips. It was sublime, even better than one I had over a year ago at Ramsgate. The batter was perfectly fried and the chips had all the flavour of my be loved McDonald's ones, yet also felt somehow, healthier (probably because they were more expensive so I just deluded myself into thinking that, but hey!). To top it all off was a healthy dollop of tartar sauce. I was also a big fan of the plethora of salt, vinegar and tomato ketchup on our table to go with the food. One takes this for granted, but when I went to Amsterdam, sauces cost an extra €1, so the fact that sauces are free in British restaurants is much appreciated!

To drink, I had a cider, a cocktail (delicious but overpriced) and the drink photographed above, better known as an Aperol Spritz. I ordered this because I've heard it's a traditional Italian drink, and I wanted to know what all the fuss was about, but I was sadly left wanting. The flavours didn't work for me and it was also too gassy.

I went to The Narrow pretty much immediately after it opened and thus, the waiters were very attentive to me with regards to the food order, as I was one of the few people in the bar/restaurant at that point. But on a Sunday, The Narrow fills up very quickly, and, unsurprisingly, as the number of clients go up, the waiters are a little more thinly stretched. But despite being overworked, the waiters serving me were polite and efficient throughout, never getting the order wrong and always giving service with a smile.

The food was worth what was charged, whereas the drinks were a little on the pricey side.  But just think of that as a surcharge for getting to have such an inspired view; on a sunny day, The Narrow's view can't be beat.

Grade: A-

Restaurant review: RAVELLO (Old Street)

With my Tastecard expiry date approaching on July 12th, I realised how little mileage I'd gotten out of it this year. It just so happened that me and a group of friends were due a catchup, so I thought I'd make use of it whilst I had a chance to at Ravello, a family-run Italian restaurant that was walking distance from where I study in central London.

I had a table booked for the four of us at 6pm, and when I arrived at the restaurant at 6, two things triggered alarm bells. Firstly, the Food Hygiene Score was just a 4. Now, call me pedantic, but I don't think it's too much to ask to demand the perfect 5 from somewhere which will be handling my food. Also, I was the only one there at that time. On a Friday evening. These two elements did not instil me with confidence.

As the evening went on, I realised that my initial doubts about this place were correct. Pictured above is the starter I had. Without Tastecard, it was priced at £7. With the 50% discount, the price is more palatable at £3.50, but I still think that's a bit of a cheek for a few measly pieces of squid. My friends and I had dined at Isolabello Italian restaurant in Holborn a year or so prior to this meal, and three of us had had calamari for starter there. The calamari in Isolabella was far superior to the one here. This crap squid, in tandem with the fact that this was the second time in as many weeks that I'd been cheated on my starter, nearly pushed me over the edge.

Nearly but not quite. That would be the job of the man, sirloin steak marinated in the most suspect-looking tomato sauce I've seen. As you may have noticed, steaks are my go-to dish when I dine out, and I use the quality of the steak as a Litmus test for the overall quality of the restaurant.

Well, this stanky-ass steak, pictured above in all its, erm, glory, is Ravello in a microcosm: lazy, cheap ingredients, poor workmanship and a hurry string something together just to get the punters off the waiters' backs. The tomato sauce in particular was particularly abrasive to my tastebuds; I strongly suspect it consisted of ingredients that were past its sell-by date, because my stomach didn't sit well for the rest of the night post-ingestion.

As the night progressed, more people entered the restaurant, and I can only assume they were members of the restaurant staff's family who dined here out of pity, because they seemed to be regulars and I have no idea why anyone would subject themselves to this awful restaurant more than once. Once the regular punters arrived, any attention we received from the waiters completely evaporated. We had to wave several times to ask for the bill, and a few times more to ask to pay via the card machine. Two clients who arrived asked for the bill after us were allowed to pay before us, a gross inconvenience given one of our group had a train to catch.

Finally, a note on the desserts: graciously, only one of our party of four ordered a dessert, a tiramisu. This tiramisu was promptly taken out of a box from the fridge (behind us, so not even in the kitchen), and we saw her cutting it up and serving it. Talk about shattering the illusion. I understand that not everything in a restaurant will be home-made, even if naturally, we would prefer it to be. But for a RRP of £5.75, you really would be hoping for better than something out of the box. And if it's going to be out of the box, at least have  the good grace to hide your duplicitous and stingy tracks!

Safe to say, it will be a cold day in hell before I set foot in Ravello again.

Grade: F

Three delicious meals I had in Amsterdam.

As you know, when in London, I'm constantly on the search for the best breakfast it has to offer, the last cooked breakfast of which I had was utterly uninspiring. The breakfasts in Amsterdam, on the other hand, were superb. The basic omelette (and toast) was just €3.95, but each additional ingredient was an extra Euro. I asked for cheese, onions and tomato. I wasn't entirely convinced the amount of onions they included (or lack thereof) merited €1, but the cheese really gave the omelette fantastic flavour and the tomatoes were a welcome, healthy addition too.

Another thing I dig about Dutch breakfasts is how generous they are with the butter. In this picture, there are two mini-sachets of butter, but if you wanted more, they would casually give you about five. Delicious (and enough to give oneself a heart attack!)

I ate this pizza at an Amsterdam restaurant called Casa di David, and the taste evoked memories of my favourite pizza place in London, Icco's. It had a thin base, which I love, and focused the taste of the pizza in the ingredients used in the toppings. I had a tuna and red onion pizza, which complemented the cheese and tomato perfectly. As it was an Italian restaurant, they had bottles of balsamic vinegar and olive oil at the ready, which I used to make a nice dip to dunk my pizza crusts in. Nom!

Again, orange juice is my drink of choice with my breakfasts! What I liked about this meal was that they allowed you to swap ingredients. I don't like mushrooms, so instead of them, I asked for onions (the more perceptive readers might have realised I have a penchant for onions). Due to being burned by that godawful Bella Italia breakfast, I was wary of how the sausages here would taste, but graciously, they were both moreish and healthy. The yellow egg yolk was also a nice addition to the meal; gave me something to dip my crusts into!

The Roman Baths.

Restaurant review: OLIVELLI (Southwark)

Now, call me a cleanliness nut, but, if I see any restaurant with a food hygiene score of anything other than 5, I judge them internally straight away. Harsh, perhaps, but I just don’t think it’s so much for ask, given the extortionate London prices restaurants charge these days, for meals that more often than not turn out to be disappointing, that the sanitation around the ingredients is nothing less than perfect. Olivelli had a grading of 4 for its food hygiene, yet I’d heard good things about it, including that celebrities of Hollywood’s golden era liked dining here. Something, clearly, had to give.

For starter, we ordered antipasto all’italiana, which had some flat notes (the rectangular blob was a bit tasteless), but the assortments of meats completed each other. I would have seen more in the way of dips for £16.95, and it could perhaps have been presented a little more artistically, but overall, it both served to treat the customer to a little taste of Italy, and whet one’s appetite tantalisingly.

For my main, I opted for spigola all’acqua pazza, or for the non-Italian speaking amongst you (don't worry, I just lifted it from the restaurant's website ;) ), seabass. It was priced at £16.45, but honestly, I have had much better seafood dishes in my work canteen for £3.30 (especially this fisherman's pie which I still dream about). The potatos that came with them were stodgy and there weren't enough of them to make up my dinnertime requirement of carbs, the cherry tomatos were Tesco produce at best, and the fact that there was bone in the fish, and we weren’t alerted it, was a huge problem as I’d already had two glasses of wine and a large beer by this point. I had to draw on every fibre of my drunken concentration to check that I wasn’t ingesting any bones. Extremely poor form from the restaurant.




All in all, I’m at a loss to explain why such esteemed actors liked to frequent this place, which definitely likes to package itself as better than it is. It almost fooled me with the starters, but after the mains, I realised this place was all namedrop and no bite. The fact that it scored 4/5 on food hygiene, I realised, oversold it; that’s by far the highest rating it’ll ever be getting.

Grade: D

Restaurant review: LA BALLERINA (Covent Garden)

Situated behind a gorgeous statue of a ballerina itself, this Italian restaurant is usually frequented by theatre-goers just before they’re catching their show. I ate here under because I’d been walking for a while around Covent Garden, quite aimlessly, and was hungry. Not quite as cultured a motive for visiting it, but, with so few people inside, I wanted a bit of peace and quiet, it seemed a good location.

The food, truth be told, was pedestrian at best. The best steak I’ve had in London remains Hawksmoor, and I didn’t expect the steak in a normal restaurant to rival that of a specific steak joint, but, even the steak from Gaucho, which I had a few problems with, was better than this. It was a struggle to finish the steak here, as it was chewy, borderline uncooked. 

The vegetables it was presented with had an awfully school dinnerish look about it (see below), and the sauce, though plentiful (it arrived in its own pot), was a little tasteless and had to be lathered onto the steak in multitudes to have its effect. The one saving grace of the meal was the spaghetti, which was delicious, particularly coupled with some parmesan cheese, which the waiters gave generously.

And it’s the waiters at the this place why I am reluctant to give it an altogether terrible review. They were attentive, helpful and polite throughout - a vast difference from the majority of snooty waiters at most London eateries I’ve visited, who are only waiters through circumstance because they couldn’t make it as an actor/photographer/writer, and see fit to take that baggage out on the clients. There was absolutely none of that there. They had great tact - knew when to leave us alone - but were approachable and chatty. I liked them a lot.

But, alas, you can’t polish a turd, and for all their best efforts, there was a reason why there were about two families dining here when I first looked in. La Ballerina has a whole load of unnecessary policies in place that don’t make things easy for their customers - for example, you can only order wine by the glass if it’s the house wines (ick), anything more elegant has to be ordered by the bottle. What if we don’t want to consume a whole bottle of wine?! This place is practically pushing people into alcoholism. 

And let me tell you, I don’t need any help in that department.

So, from the outside, it may seem appealing to go inside a quiet place where you won’t be bothered and there aren’t many people. But next time I see somewhere like this, I will double-think. Just why is it, that this place is so empty in the first place?

Grade: D

If you'd like me to review your restaurant/bar/pub, drop me an email at lemon_and_lime7@hotmail.com

Restaurant review: DA SCALZO (Belgravia)

I went to da Scalzo yesterday with colleagues for dinner before the opera and was more than satisfied with the quality of the food, both main and dessert, and the wine, which was a charmingly fruity 2012 red number that went down a treat.

Being an authentic Italian diner, da Scalzo has a few signature pasta and salad dishes, but is primarily a pizza place, where it boasts the usual you’d expect from Pizza Express, but all prepared with that bit more oomph than Pizza Express’ paint-by-numbers style that has resulted in them desperately offering so many 2-for the price of-1 deals just to get bums on seats. The vast majority of pizzas were around a tenner each, which is very reasonable, given that this is the same price you’d expect to pay in Pizza Express, and for a lower quality. 

I had the Siciliana, which had tuna, anchovies, vegetables and cheese on, and it suited my palate perfectly, especially the handsome saltiness. Perhaps the only mild foible about the food was that when we asked for food, only tomatoes and onions were laid on our plate. Whilst I like both of those, it would have been nice to have been fed some greens too. However, it would be churlish to whine too much, particularly given the high quality of the service - anything I asked for, the waiter had it to be within seconds.

For dessert, I had a tiramisu, which I find a concoction that’s very hit-and-miss. When it’s good, it’s orgasmic. When it’s bad, however, you might as well just get the Sainsbury’s one, so dull is the mesh of flavours. Fortunately, this sat in the former camp. Creamy, rich, filling and completely delicious, I wolfed mine down in four bites.

Just a couple hundred metres away from Victoria coach station, this isn’t a particularly hard place to find. Downstairs, there is a bar, so if you arrive before friends, you can settle in with a nice Peroni. Across the walls are painted sayings by the likes of Fellini, Euripides and Sophie Loren about the virtues of food, and how it enriches life. 

Dine here, and it’s hard to disagree with them.

Grade: A-

For more of my restaurant reviews, click here. If you would like me to review your restaurant, drop me an email at lemon_and_lime7@hotmail.com

Restaurant review: ICCO (Goodge Street)

Delicious pizzas, rich in ingredients, and with a super-thin base, so you're ingesting flavour rather than carbs. They're also produced right in front of you, efficiently and quickly, so the wait isn't too agonising. The fruit smoothie was also wonderful, and the whole meal came to £9, which I was ecstatic with!

A

For more of my restaurant reviews, click here. If you would like me to review your restaurant, drop me an email at lemon_and_lime7@hotmail.com