8 Lessons Learned from the 2019 BBFC Annual Report

The blog is rated 15 for strong sex references and drug references.

On Thursday, the BBFC dropped their 2019 Annual Report, which for film classification nerds, is also known as 'Most Complained about Films to the BBFC Day'. I spent Friday evening poring through the report, looking for clues and new information, and psycho-analysing every adjective used in the report. In short, I was in heaven.

Here were eight prominent things I noticed from reading it:

01. Emma knows her BBFC…

Tale as old as time… that the first point I make every year when discussing the BBFC annual report, is not an observation, but rather, a shameless display of braggadocio. The three most complained about films in 2019 were Joker, The Favourite and John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum, and I'd predicted all three of these in my prognostication blog.

Book review: THE BALLAD OF SONGBIRDS AND SNAKES (Suzanne Collins)

Set 64 years before The Hunger Games, The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes is Suzanne Collins' prequel to her dystopian YA trilogy, a book series whose film adaptations launched the Hollywood career of that awful over-actor and recipient of the most undeserved Oscar win ever, Jennifer Lawrence.

For that reason, then, you'd think that I would dislike The Hunger Games books. But I actually really enjoyed them (I even enjoyed some facets of the films). The world-building exhibited in the books was extremely inventive, and, whilst it may have been a tad derivative of Battle Royale and various Roman and Greek myths, I maintain that most good art contains inflections of other artists that preceded it.

Central to the books was the first-person narrative of Katniss Everdeen, the tribute from District 12. Throughout the trilogy she displayed courage, resilience and resourcefulness beyond her 16 years, and her actions were underscored with familial loyalty to her more fragile younger sister, Prim. Collins shrewdly avoided painting her heroine as a Mary Sue, however, as Katniss was also stubborn, unforgiving, whiny and often downright unlikeable.

My 10 favourite films of 2018 [5-3]

Part 1 of the blog was here! As I've written longer mini-reviews for the top five this year, but don't intend on writing a full review of the first-placed film (like I did last year with Dunkirk #twinksonabeach), I'm going to divide coverage of the top 5 as a 3:2 split!

05. The Favourite

Yorgos Lanthimos made my personal top 5 of 2017 for his deliciously wicked take on the Greek tragedy, The Killing of the Sacred Deer, and he does the business again with another amoral morality tale, although of a very different flavour.

8 Things I Learned from the 2018 BBFC Annual Report

This blog is rated 15 for references to violence, sexual violence, and bragging from the author.

The 2018 BBFC Annual Report actually came out a bit earlier this year than we're used to; last year's report dropped on July 19th, whereas 2018's one came almost two month's earlier. However, so switched on are my BBFC-senses that I seemed to anticipate this, as I wrote my prediction blog a few weeks ago!

So, as per tradition for the past three years (2015 et 2016 et 2017), here were some notable points I took when devouring the report!

01. Emma knows her BBFC

This was also one of my takeaways from last year's report, and I'm aware it's a bit self-aggrandising to bring it up again, but it's not like me to self-promote, now is it? 😏

In my anticipation blog, I correctly called that Red Sparrow would be the most complained-about film of 2018, followed by Peter Rabbit, Show Dogs, A Northern Soul and Ready Player One. I even correctly predicted that Love, Simon's trailer would get the BBFC complaints.

Restaurant review: THE BREAKFAST CLUB (Soho)

The film is iconic, setting the bar for talky-dramedies channelling teenage angst for years to come. So famous is it, that is has been name-dropped or riffed on in several teenage-orientated movies, including Easy A and The DUFF, and most recently, Ready Player One.

The restaurant was established a good 20 years after the film was released, but such is the goodwill and strong reputation it has forged, that The Breakfast Club is as crucial to any London-based foodie’s itinerary as the film is to a movie buff’s viewing list.

I had long been scared off eating here, however, because on any random walk past the restaurant, it had always had a massive queue outside it. Having succumbed to the marvels of Eat Tokyo and On the Bab, my favourite Japanese and Korean restaurants in London, respectively, however, I modified my outlook on queuing.

Both these restaurants don’t take reservations, yet the food has been worth the wait, so with my fingers crossed, I hoped The Breakfast Club was another example of this.

As it so happened, I needn’t have thought about it so much. Whilst the restaurant is hot property during brunch times of 12pm – 3pm, we went a little after this, so we were seated straight away. So if you have an aversion to queuing, worth bearing in mind!

Between us, we had ‘Huevos al Benny’ and Korean fried chicken pancakes. With both priced at £10.50, I considered the portions to be very reasonable: -

TV review: 13 REASONS WHY season 2 (Netflix)

This blog contains spoilers for season 2 of 13 Reasons Why.

Since its release last March, 13 Reasons Why, the Netflix adaptation of Jay Asher’s novel, chronicling why High School student Hannah Baker took her own life, was met with controversy. Many people felt the show glamorised suicide, not least in the way Hannah made 13 cassette recordings with a reason and person named on each tape, to be listened to by the people who contributed to her decision to commit suicide. In season 1, the characters named on the tape, unsurprisingly, were wracked with guilt and recriminations over who was ‘most’ culpable, flew between the accused.

A Look Ahead to Best Original Screenplay

I watched Lady Bird yesterday, so I can analyse another Oscar category, woohoo! Read my analysis of Best Original Score here. Due to time constraints, this is probably the final category I’m gonna analyse before the ceremony, but, at least I discussed two fields this year, an improvement from last year by one.

The world can be a nasty place.

I recently watched Thirteen Reasons Why, the Selena Gomez-prouced Netflix TV show essaying a High School student, Hannah Baker, who commits suicide, and leaves behind 13 tapes outlining why.

Whatever one's thoughts on the show and how dangerously close it sails to romanticising suicide, I have to admit that, drama-wise, it is certainly compelling to watch. Episode 9, 'Tape 5, side A' contained a rather unsavoury sexual assault of one of Hannah's friends, and was rated 18.

I e-mailed the BBFC querying why this episode was an 18, as, horrible as it was to watch, an episode of Orange is the New Black featured Pennsatucky getting raped not once but twice, by two different men, and was only a 15:

Depictions of sexual violence in two Netflix shows 

I am writing to ask about the depiction of rape in two Netflix shows, Orange is the New Black season 3 episode 10 (A Tittin' and a Hairin'), rated 15, and Thirteen Reasons Why season 1 episode 9 (Tape 5 Side A), rated 18. 

Both these episodes contain rape scenes which are aversive and disturbing, as likely intended by the directors. The level of detail in both episodes are comparable. 

Yet in the 15-rated OITNB episode, the same character gets raped by two different men in the same episode, whereas in the 18-rated Thirteen Reasons Why episode, the character is raped once (albeit with the scenes shown repeatedly). 

I was wondering why this was, and if it perhaps due to the ages of the characters? 

Because speaking as a viewer, I found the OITNB episode more distressing to watch, not least because in the second attack, the blank expression on the character's face suggested she was 'resigned' to being raped. Furthermore, the cumulative effect of watching the same character getting raped twice and its impact on her (already precarious) mental state was more distressing. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my email and looking forward to your response.

This was their response:

This is by far the most complete response they've given to me (for reference, see these two emails I sent them last year: un et deux). 

I would just quibble with their saying depictions of rape at 15 'must be discreet', mind, because Wind River, a 15, showed the naked buttocks of the victim when she was being assaulted, which I would say was even worse than showing the attacker's bum. But I CBA to e-mail them; e-mailing back and forth about sexual violence is not my favourite thing to do with my spare time!

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Remember how perturbed I was to see a full stop where there ought to have been a comma in Get Out's BBFC short insight? Well, checking the back of the DVD, I was happy to see they removed that error for DVD distribution:

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For more film rating nerdiness click here!

A stray observation from perusing the DVD section of charity shops on a Saturday morning.

Hanna, which was the BBFC's second most complained about film in 2011 (second only to Black Swan), mainly due to the strength of the violence, exacerbated by the fact that it was a young teenage girl involved in most of the fight scenes, is a 15 in Ireland. I'm glad to see the Irish are sensible, and didn't let the fact that the lead actress being their countryman, blind them to their film rating duties.

Book review: DAUGHTER (Jane Shemilt)

Although Jane Shemilt writes in lucid, gripping prose, her first novel suffers from several flaws.

A Silent Microaggression.

You know, for a newspaper who loves to lecture their readership about racial stereotyping (in a case of timing you couldn't make up, just four days ago they ran this hectoring piece about Asian stereotypes), you'd think they'd bother to learn the difference between Japanese films:

The caption pertains to A Silent Voice. Yet the image is a still from Your Name. I guess all Japanese animes look the same to Guardian sub-editors.

Perhaps of Guardian writers focused on say, actually doing the research they're paid to do, rather than preaching piously or shagging about, they wouldn't have made such a mistake. Just suggesting.

This isn't the first time they've confused two compatriots, with embarrassing circumstances. In their tribute to the passed away Cruyff, they published a photo of Rob Rensenbrink:

No wonder The Guardian are begging for money now. #FakeNews

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Bonus graphic, from The Evening Standard, which perfectly encapsulates my confusion on how Isabelle Huppert's icy tour-de-force in Elle lost to Yellowface Felicia dancing like she had two left feet:

My BBFC game (level 2).

Simon won the first level, congrats geezer!

Now I've made it a bit more taxing. As with the previous round, don't cheat and go on the BBFC website, that sucks the fun out of it. :P But by all means google the plot synopsis as that could help (altho some search engines show you the rating when you do that, hmmm).

Your Misname.

Another one of these 'times the Irish rated a film lower than the BBFC did' posts (on average when the two awards bodies disagree, the IFCO tend to rate higher).

Your Name, which has a cracking trailer and almost universal acclaim from everyone who's seen it, is bizarrely getting a very limited release in the UK. I have my ticket to see it on the 24th November, but had to settle for a slightly out-of-my-way Odeon venue, as all the central London ones were all booked up. Hopefully it will be worth it tho; I bloody love me some Anime.

Needless to say, I read the BBFC long insight as preparation for the film. That's a bit of a gamble as the long insights are laden with spoilers, but there you go. It's rated 12A over here for 'moderate language, sex references', in a classic case of a BBFC misnomer. 

The plot revolves around a small town girl living in a lonely world and a city boy exchanging bodies, Freaky Friday-style. From the report, it sounds like the main reason the film's a 12A is because the boy, in discovering he's in the body of a woman, touches his boobs.

Bit harsh to rate a film a 12A for that, given that would be a pretty natural response! I also don't think lingering on a girls' chest counts as a 'moderate sex reference', either, so major inaccuracy in its short insight, there. 

Glad to see that the Irish saw sense, and gave the film the PG it (sounds like it) deserves. Note how they also accurately classed the focus on a girls' chest as 'suggestive scenes'. That is pretty much all it is, not a sex reference. No need to make it sound seedier than it is.

Why are the BBFC so affronted by a bit of cleavage???

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I'm somewhat of a BBFC obsessive. All my other BBFC pieces are listed here.

Continuing with the tradition of watching bad movies with my queen in...

Diary of a Teenage Girl and the 18 Certificate

Yesterday, I watched Marielle Heller’s Diary of a Teenage Girl, which tells the story of 15-year-old Minnie Goetz’s sexual awakening after she loses her virginity to her mother’s boyfriend. It was a good film, sadly not quite as funny as I’d hyped it up to be in my mind, and there were tonal issues with it that didn’t quite sit right with me. Thankfully, it was elevated by a transcendent performance by British actress Bel Powley as the protagonist, without whom, the film would have completely sunk. Her fearless, honest performance truly captured what it’s like to be a teenage girl, even when parts of the screenplay didn’t quite ring true. Minnie makes poor decision upon poor decision and you find it increasingly difficult to get behind her, but Powley’s large grey-green eyes and childlike visage reinforce that at the end of the day, she is just a misguided kid trying to find her place in the world, and it is our mistakes which form us. I can’t think of another young actress who could have imbued Minnie with the realism that she did – Jennifer Lawrence would have overplayed it, Kristen Stewart would have underplayed it – and it’s for Powley’s acting that the movie is worth a watch.

In the build-up to the UK release of Diary of a Teenage Girl, director Heller, actress Powley and Twitter feminists across internet have been voicing their displeasure with the British Board of Film Classification’s decision to award the movie an 18. The director argues that by doing so, the all-male certification board are putting black box around female sexuality, in a way that male sexuality is never questioned. Naturally, feminists have jumped on this bandwagon, lambasting the BBFC as being backward and threatened by women who embrace sex. I can't help feeling their arguments would have more clout had they actually watched the film first before crying sexism.

Watching the film, I thought the 18 certificate was wholly merited. The sex scenes in it aren’t anywhere as lengthy as those in, say, Blue is the Warmest Colour, but there are a lot of them, in range of positions, featuring, in want of a better phrase, what the BBFC describe as ‘mechanical thrusting’, as well as Minnie’s ill-fated adventures, of which include her and her friend blowing two random guys in a bar toilet for some money. Minnie is an aspiring artist so there are also sketches of various parts of the male and female anatomy littered throughout the narrative, as well as strong verbal sex references in which Minnie and her promiscuous best friend casually discuss the next guy they’re gonna fuck. Film critics have remarked on the irony that teenagers (between 15-17) won’t get to watch a film titled ‘Diary of a Teenage Girl’, but if this is the life of a teenager being presented, I’d argue that that isn’t the worst thing.

In terms of precedent, the filmmakers of Diary of a Teenage Girl have pointed to Fish Tank, a similarly-themed movie about an Essex girl who sleeps with her mother’s boyfriend (played by the dishy Michael Fassbender), which got a 15. However, in that movie, there were only two sex scenes (one between the girl and Fassy, and another between her mum and Fassy), both of which, whilst featuring thrusting, are brief and do not match any of Diary of a Teenage Girl’s impact. Secondly, Fassbender’s characters actions are condemned pretty strongly and he is painted to be a sleazy shit. Minnie’s love interest, on the other hand, played by Alexander Skarsgård, is portrayed with more easygoing affability, even though his actions illustrate him to be quite the douche. I don’t think you can make a direct comparison between these two films at all, and if we’re going to be banding about bargain-basement arguments like ‘oh it’s about teenagers so teenagers should see it’, why not make Battle Royale and Kids a 15 as well then?

I wrote this blog in defence of the BBFC, because I feel they get a lot of misplaced slack these days. Last year, there was a media frenzy over Paddington getting classified a PG, because people couldn’t believe that a film about the friendly bear they grew up watching could be anything other than Universal. But, watching it, I thought PG was the correct decision – there were the odd curse words, and more pertinently, Nicole Kidman threatening to stuff a bear with a variety of threatening looking knives. It’s hardly Saw, but it was mildly unsettling, and it’s good that the BBFC acknowledged that, rather than pandering to public nostalgia. Similarly, when Gone Girl got an 18, lots of under-18s complained, with some poor sap with too much time on his hands even launching an online petition to try and get the rating changed (lol, because the rating of the film is the biggest problem in our lives). Cinemagoers need to understand that just because you’ve read the book and like David Fincher, doesn’t mean the BBFC have to dish out a 15 rating when the strength of the scenes in the film command something higher. The BBFC do not exist to make decisions just to appease you.

Part of my affection for the BBFC is that I don’t think British filmgoers realise how good they have it compared to the MPAA. The BBFC treat heterosexual and homosexual sex scenes the same, which the MPAA do not. Furthermore, despite what the crew of Diary of a Teenage Girl would have you believe, getting an 18 here is not that big a deal. It doesn’t kill off a film’s chances of succeeding at the box office. In the case of 50 Shades of Grey, I think we would have been surprised if it had gotten anything other than an 18. The MPAA’s ‘NC-17’, however, is extremely restrictive, and essentially kills of a film’s chance of getting advertised. And the way the NC-17 is dished out is, spurious, to say the least. (but that’s another essay for another day).

That’s not to say I agree unequivocally with every decision the BBFC make. I will never get over how the hyper-stylised violence of the two Kick-Ass movies didn’t earn them 18s, comedy as a mitigating factor or not. 2 Days 1 Night getting a 15 for a failed Xanax overdose also seemed a touch draconian (I maintain that if a 12 year old can take Heath Ledger’s shoving someone’s head into a pencil or, more disturbingly, Kate Winslet’s hand sliding down a sweat-steamed window then they’ll definitely be able to handle that, especially as the overdose wasn’t successful). Generally, some of the more adult 15s I watch I think could be 18s, so I would encourage the BBFC to err on the side of caution more. But that probably says more about my prudishness when it comes to cinema than anything.

In summary, I am delighted that the BBFC stuck to their guns about Diary of a Teenage Girl. To accuse the board of sexism and stifling female sexuality is a cheap, lazy tactic. In Diary of a Teenage Girl, Minnie goes on a destructive road of self-discovery before she truly understands into who she is, and what makes her. Perhaps the filmmakers could do something similar with their underage sex-riddled film before pointing fingers at the BBFC.

Review of the songs in the “Dynamic Duets” (S4E7) episode of Glee.

This episode was all about duets, and started with the Glee club, rather bizarrely, in a meeting for superheroes. My favourite of the rather eclectic bunch was Tina's guise as Asian Persuasian, naming her great power as Manipulation. Superheroes goes on to be a theme for the episode, as the singers don superhero attire in their performances. As Coach Bieste explains, when you don a cape, you become another person, not dissimilar to the effect of what happens when performing on stage. To that end, then, it seems an apt motif for the Glee club to take on this week.

The love-triangle of Marley-Jake-Ryder gets going too, with the two boys getting up into each other's face. "You wanna know how I know you're a badass? Cos you ride a razor-scooter. Nothing says badass like a razor-scooter." (For the record, I am Team Ryder. Everyone likes a bad boy but his straightforward charm shats all over Jake's ~tortured soul. As Ryder argued, no one likes guys who lead girls on, only to blow them off.) 

Later in the episode, Jake gets diagnosed with dyslexia, something he suspects he has had all his life but was too scared to act about, and it’s actually Jake’s helping hand that gets him the help he needs – a rare display of people showing genuine fraternity in Glee.

Quite light on the song front this episode, with just 5 songs.

The Dark Side - I didn't care for the cheesy way it started, but the message that Glee was trying to illustrate - how well Blaine fits in musically with The Warblers - was clearly made. He definitely has natural rapport with them and the choreography was simple but effective. The song itself didn't particularly grab me - regulation pop - the kind of stuff that serves Blaine so well - but it was a good performance. B+

I Am Happening - Ryder and Jake, who patently despise each other team up for this 60s classic. They are both serenading Marley, wearing suits (lucky girl), and in the build-up to their performance have some amusing trash talk, with Ryder saying his superhero alter ego is Mega-Stud, to which Jake retorts, “oh, so your superhero choice is to be me.” #banter. 

The choice of “Mega-Stud” is amusing because Artie and Finn don't know what the MS on their shirt stands for. The performance escalates into a fight which kind of detracts from the performance, which had energy but vocally nothing special. C

Holding out for a Hero – now this was fun! Kitty is a nasty piece of work and an all-round pain the backside but she is a top performer, with a great voice and in her cat suit outfit she also has a whip as a prop, which she is very adept at using (knowing her streak of Machiavelli, I was terrified she might use it to accidentally on purpose injure Marley, but she didn’t. Surely whatever evil plan she has planned for Marley will be much more concealed than that). 

Anyway, Marley lacks the sparkle that Kitty has, but vocally she is sound, as well as gorgeous to look out. A popular ditty (it was immortalized, for me, in Shrek), sung very well. A-

Heroes - chilled, mellow acoustic version of David Bowie starting with Sam (who supplied much of the mirth of this episode with his impressions of George W Bush and Bane from The Dark Knight Rises, showing the show's writers are keeping their fingers on the pop culture pulses!) also playing the guitar, with Blaine belting out the power notes. 

The contrast between Sam’s dulcet tones and Blaine’s more show-choir voice is exactly the sort of quality one looks for in a good duet. My favourite rendition of this song remains that in Moulin Rouge!, however. (After this rendition they go to Dalton to steal their Nationals trophy back, and as they're running off the letters BAM and SLAINE hit the screen. Classic ship names! Glee is quick to give the fans what they want, I’ll give them that.) A-

Some Nights - Another Fun. cover from the Glee club, except whereas Rachel took centre stage in their cover of We Are Young, Blaine, the new leader in her abscence (despite his flirtation with the Warblers in this episode) leads this one. The performance features some really lovely harmonization between Marley and Kitty's voices, which is undercut by Kitty rolling her eyes after.

But the best bit is Joe Hart delivering the refrain, a singer who rarely gets to display his vocal talent. Overall, the kind of high-energy "Don't Stop Believin"-type performance that Glee are famous for but haven't given in quite a well, finishing with Finn looking on proudly just like Mr Schue used to. 

The music video for this song is set during the American War of Independence, whilst it was a very powerful, sombre setting, I’m more of a fan of New Direction’s ~rainbows and butterflies~ slant on the song. A.

Favourite One Direction Lines

Yes, I am a little bit obsessed. Some of these are for the poetic value of the lyrics, or the way the boys sing them (such as the way Zayn belts out #8).

01. “Shot me outta the Sky, you’re my Kryptonite” – One Thing (Harry)

02. “The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed” – What Makes You Beautiful (all)

03. “It hurts me to think that you never cried” – Stand Up (Niall)

04. “I lie awake just to convince myself this wasn’t just a dream” – I Should’ve Kissed You (Liam)

05. "I'm blinded 'cause you are everything I see" – More than This (Liam)

06. “I hear the beat of my heart getting louder whenever I’m near you” – I Wish (Harry)

07. “And if we get together, yeah get together, don’t let the pictures leave your phone” – Live While We’re Young (Zayn)

08. “And giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl, you and I, we’re ’bout to make some memories tonight” - Live While We’re Young (Zayn)

09. “So come one, you got it wrong, to prove I’m right I put it in a sooooooooong” – What Makes You Beautiful (Zayn)

10. “I would walk through the desert, I would walk down the aisle, I would swim all the oceans, just to see you smile” – Stand Up (Liam)

11. "I used to think that I was better alone / why did I ever wanna let you go?" - Rock Me (Louis)

12. “Get out, get out, get outta my head, and fall into my arms instead” – One Thing (all)

13. “It feels like I’m constantly playing a game that I’m destined to lose” – I Would (Louis)

14. “I’ve tried playing it cool, but when I’m looking at you, I can’t ever be brave, cos you make my heart race” – One Thing (Liam)

15. “Now I’m climbing the walls, but you don’t even notice at all, that I’m going outta my mind, all day and all night” – One Thing (Niall)

16. “When he lays you down I might just die inside” – More than This (Harry)

17. “I see you every time I close my eyes, what am I gonna do” – I Should’ve Kissed You (Liam)

18. “Then I see you on the street, in his arms I get weak” – More than This (Louis)

19. “It took a minute, girl, to steal my heart tonight” – Stole My Heart (Harry)

20. “There is no place I’d rather be than right here with you tonight” - Stole My Heart (Zayn)

Review of the songs in “The Break Up” (S4E4) episode of Glee.

I’ve not blogged for a while, which is naughty, but I’m going to try my best to get back into it now! Despite telling myself I wouldn’t, I got into series 4 of Glee, and some of the songs have already been stellar, so I thought I’d resurrect that thing I do where I review each song as if I know anything about music. ☺️

Barely Breathing – B-. This was a Blaine/Finn duet. I’ve never been particularly won over by Finn’s voice and he doesn’t do much to convince me here, but Blaine carries him well. The music video is good – and plays an important part to the ensuing drama in the episode.

Give Your Heart a Break – B+/A-. Lea Michele’s voice is incredible in this song and the high notes really get to show off her vocal range as well a bit of warbling towards the end. The guy she’s with (Dean Geyer) complements her voice much better than Finn’s, and they have genuine chemistry, which is, perversely, why I graded it lower than an A, as I love Finchel.

Teenage Dream – A+. Oh my, one of the most powerful performances of a song I’ve seen for some time in Glee. Blaine sits by the piano and sings Katy Perry’s famous song of young love in a minor key. 

This was a song that he first sang to Kurt, so carries emotional weight, and the callback highlights how much things have changed since then.  Blaine’s facial expressions throughout it, though on the precipice of being laughable in how earnest they are, are also genuinely involving. His delivery of “I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece” is uncharacteristically sultry for Blaine, and the off-beat syncopation with the piano chords work a treat too. 

Simple, but very effective, and Darren Criss is such a natural at this song that it's easy to forget that this song was originally meant to be delivered from a girl to a boy (lines like "You think I'm pretty without any make up on" could easily sound ridiculous if it was, say, Mr Schue singing them).

Kurt's reaction to Blaine's performance, as he realises the song is being used to tell him that Blaine cheated, gives the performance extra emotional resonance.

Don’t Speak – D. The vocals were alright, but the music video was pure cringe. I could not take it seriously, especially the way the two couples (Rachel/Finn and Blaine/Kurt) got into bed and faced opposition directions. I know Glee is meant to be cheesy, but this really jumped the shark.

This is a very good song and Gwen Stefani delivered it terrifically, but I bet she’ll grimace when she sees what Glee did to it.

Mine – A+. Whilst I am a big fan of Taylor Swift (as unpopular an opinion that is), I don’t care much for the original version of this song, which sounds too much like her other’s (and not as good). But having Santana’s distinctive covering it means it doesn’t sound as sickly sweet as some of Swift’s more contrived songs. 

The sparse usage of guitar and piano works wonderfully and her vocals, and she hits those high notes with accuracy and emotion. I particularly like Santana’s way of singing “yes, yes, yes”. The facial emotions between Brittany and Santana give the song additional poignancy; we both know where this is going, and, like the two girls, don’t want this conclusion. I was a puddle of tears by the end. The coda, where they discuss the break-up verbally, was a surprisingly nuanced moment for Glee, and beautifully acted by Naya Rivera and Heather Morris.

The Scientist – C. Oh lord, another cringe performance, as all the couples that have broken up (ish) in the episode come together on stage to collectively sing one of Coldplay’s most emotional songs. In terms of Coldplay bastardization, it’s not quite Fix You level (oh GOD), but it’s still somewhat of a car crash.

Film review: THE INBETWEENERS MOVIE (Ben Palmer, 2011)

Anyone who watches the show knows the set up of the inbetweener boys: Will McKenzie, bespectacled, well-mannered but massively irritating, his best friend Simon, the most attractive of the clan but let down by his gelled-up hair and his relentless thirst for pricktease Carli D’Amato, who clearly doesn’t feel a fraction of the intensity he does to her, dim and slow-witted Neil, and Jay, chronically bullshitting about women he’s shagged, things he’s done, and er, women he’s shagged. 

The four boys’ ridiculously embarrassing travails through life made for three hugely entertaining series on Channel 4, albeit with the third series being discernibly less funny than the previous two, series three feeling a lot like a re-hash of the jokes they used before, but turned up to an eleven. Well, in the boys’ big-screen outing, they hit Greece on summer holiday, and now they have a brand new country to bring their individual brand of gross-out comedy to.

Perverse as it is, throughout the film, I was actually reminded a bit of the Sex and the City movies, except for four boys rather than women. Now, hear me out. Lots of people felt disappointed with Sex and the City the Movie, feeling it was just one drawn out episode, but that’s pretty much the same with the Inbetweeners Movie, and in both movies, I had a terrific time. 

Further more, as with Sex and the City, despite all the women being well into their forties (and Samantha considerably older), they all have their journeys to make, lessons to learn throughout the course of the film, whether that be about courage, sacrifice, fidelity, or love. The lessons in The Inbetweeners Movie, suffice to say, are a little less meaty, but there is a surprisingly uplifting feel to the way the four boys find redemption in their sweet/sick ways.

Leggy blonde Laura Haddock, who is no stranger to lads’ mags across the UK, leads the quartet of attractive girls who catch the four boys’ eyes. Each girl is pretty in her own way, particularly Laura Haddock (Will’s love interest Alison) with her astoundingly definded cheekbones and babydoll eyes and Tamla Kari, the pretty brunette who clearly likes Simon, despite the fact that he is still blindly going on about Carli, who, incidentally, is also at Malia. 

The way the four boys eff it up with their respective female counterparts is exactly like in an episode of the show, except, this being the big-screen, the writers Damon Beesley and Iain Morris were a little more generous to their four long-suffering leads. Nonetheless, all four boys make more than their share of horrendously cringe-inducing gaffes along the way.

This being The Inbetweeners, you can pretty much make a mental ticklist of things you’re going to hear jokes about: masturbation, anal sex, other weird sex practices, poo, the list is endless. The characters also get involved in embarrassing situations not involving bodily functions or fluids; witness Jay as he tries to drown a well-meaning-but-slightly-annoying-boy on holiday, or Will, King of putting his foot in it, when he argues with a handicapped girl’s dad over rights to a lounge chair. 

But the funniest scene in the entire film was, for me, the cringefest that was Neil, Will and Simon trying to get the girls’ attentions by dancing up to them. If you can call it dancing. I call it “sides splitting with laughter.”

Critics have hailed The Inbetweeners Movie prurient, juvenile, and relentlessly crude. They are right. Some of the jokes do fall flat, but the ones that are good are great, and coupled with a cheesy-cool soundtrack, some genuine drama (Simon and Jay fall out, like, omgz!!!!) and an arsenal of one-liners that will have you hiding behind your hands with embarrassment, The Inbetweeners Movie pretty much does what it says it would on the tin, with an added bonus of the unexpected but genuine satisfaction the viewer gets from seeing our four boys become men – sort of.

Grade: B+

Favourite Ron & Hermione moments.

By the way, this is my hand touching Grint's from the premiere last Thursday in Leicester Square:

10. Can You Keep a Secret?

Hermione’s super-human knowledge and diligence is well-documented throughout the seven books and indeed, her intelligence has come to Harry’s aid on countless occasions. But she possesses so much more than simply book smarts; she is sensitive and a very good reader of people – Ginny’s schoolgirl crush on Harry is apparent to all in Chamber of Secrets, but she being the 11-year-old, impressionable lil’ sis of his best friend, he sensibly pretends not to notice, leaving the crush to evaporate. In Half-Blood Prince, however, it is he who develops feelings for her, and the fact that she has them, quite literally, lined up, and isn’t afraid to face her brother Ron about it when he scolds her – only exacerbates his feelings for her. At the end of the book, after he has gotten her, he has to let go, and it is revealed that it was Hermione to advise Ginny to go with some other boys, not particularly with the aim of forgetting about Harry entirely or to make him jealous, but because she deserved to experience teenage love in her own right. Deep down though, Hermione knew that Ginny only had eyes for Harry and the her flings – however troubling to Harry (and Ron) – would do her no harm. Whilst this is not explicitly a Hermione/Ron moment, simply the fact that Hermione knew how much her crush & best friend’s younger sister fancied her other famous best friend but diplomatically chose not to tell either shows that whilst she is smart like the best of them, Hermione’s best quality is not her brain, but her heart.

09. Well Jell
In Half-Blood Prince, Harry and Hermione both turn the head of Potions Master Professor Slughorn, who invites them to come to his exclusive Slug Club, of which the other members are either well-connected students with distinguished bloodlines (Blaise Zabini’s mum was a heartbreaker of a witch who frequently married and divorced), or students who Professor Slughorn sees a light in, like Ginny and Hermione. Ron, who reacts with a red-hot temper that would do his hair proud at seeing his sister and two best friends invited but not him, and much of his anger is directed at Hermione, who by now he is growing increasingly confused by his feelings towards. Hermione rarely dabbles in underhand tactics, but Ron becomes so snarky towards her simply for being noticed for her excellence that she allows the horny-but-hot Cormac McLuggen to bring her as his date for the Christmas Slug Club party, knowing full well how much it will make Ron jealous. The little on-running feud between Ron and Hermione is as amusing as it is entertaining and acts as an accurate portrayal of teenagers and the petty things we do to get the attention of the ones we like.

08. For you, there’ll be no more crying.
In Philosopher’s Stone, the first few times we are introduced to Hermione Granger, it is difficult to warm to her. Bossy, a know-it-all and almost unbearably stuffy, Harry is a little bemused by her. Ron, however, never one to mince his words, voices his displeasure towards Hermione. Naturally, Hermione would overhear, and despite the brave face she has sustained so far, her butter-wouldn’t-melt demeanour comes crumbling down and her hurt locker shows. She runs into a toilet to cry, unaware that a gigantic troll is also there. Harry and Ron come to her rescue and in a brilliant display of teamwork, the three defeat it. With that, the quintessential OT3 of friendship is borne. If I really wanted to overanalyse, we could say that Hermione’s obnoxious behaviour to Harry and Ron had just been her defensive mechanism for speaking to “famous Harry Potter” and his cute ginger friend who she quite liked the look of. But that would probably be overanalysing it; they were only in year seven.

07. “I love you, Hermione”.
Harry and Ron have – as they have a knack of doing – got themselves in trouble, and now have homework assignments on top of that to worry about. Hermione senses their plight and offers to help with their work. Ron, so grateful, utters weakly “I love you, Hermione,” and it is said that Hermione “turns pink”. Ron’s comment was a throwaway one, but Hermione’s embarrassed reaction tells me that it was she who fell for Ron first, but he was too bull-headed and dull to realise.

06. Lust and delirious

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is, in a way, a tennis match of sexual politics between Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. He should be so lucky as to get her – beautiful, smart, loyal girl that she is, but his own insecurity is so crippling that it leads him to mistreat her. His path in getting with sentimental and fairly annoying but well-intentioned Lavender Brown arose from a fight with his younger sister. Unhappy at being berated by Ron for making out with his friends, Ginny cries, in defence, that Ron is simply being a prude because Harry has had experience of snogging (Cho), and “even Hermione kissed Viktor.” This proves to be the catalyst for Ron and Lavender getting together, Lavender herself unaware to the fact that she’s being used as a pawn in the two’s warfare. After Ron suffers a near-death accident, however, and he is recovering, he’s so doped up that he’s unable to get his agenda right and says the name of the girl who he’s really thinking about: Hermione.

05. Oh, Krums.
Harry and Ron leave it a bit late in finding dates for the Yule Ball, meaning that the girls they go with – attractive twins Parvati and Padma Patel are perfectly fine, but not the ones they wished to have gone with. Harry’s choice had been asked sooner – Cho Chang, and Ron’s preferred date is more obscure. When it became hard to find someone he thought Hermione would be available as a last-ditch resort, but on seeing her – by far the most beautiful she’s been – at the Yule Ball, in the arms of Viktor Krum, a famous Quidditch player who up until this point he’d been in awe of, brings up all kinds of envy in him. As a result, he pays Padma no attention, loses all the idolatry he’d had thus far for his Quidditch hero, and seeks Hermione out to have a go. She isn’t having any of it, crying, “Next time there's a ball, ask me before someone else does, and not as a last resort!". Ron splutters his indignations, but judging from Hermione’s tears and Harry’s tactical reticence, he’s only kidding himself.

04. Knight with cruddy armour
Draco Malfoy comes from an affluent family. This is unceremoniously shoved in the Gryffindors’ faces when his father kits the entire Slytherin Quidditch team out with Nimbus 2001. Taking the opportunity to sneer at Harry and Ron, Hermione replies sharply – but accurately that at least Harry earnt his place on the team, rather than buying it like Draco. Malfoy doesn’t like being told by a Muggle, and calls her a terrible word – Mudblood. This infuriates many of the passers by, but only Ron does something about it, pulling out his wand to defend his friend. Unfortunately for him, his wand is crooked and his own hex backfires, but that he would defend his mate’s honour with such fierce loyalty shows the beautiful, unadulterated spirit behind Ron and Hermione relationship.

03. Paying the penalty
Always in the shadow of ~Famous Harry Potter~ and his astounding Quidditch skills, Ron has a chance to shine in the sixth book when Harry, as captain of the Quidditch team, is holding tryouts. Cormac McLuggen probably has more natural talent, and in a Quidditch penalty shoot out, he is flying, saving four of four penalties. As the fifth is taken however, he does a bizarre dance-in-the-sky that results in him letting one in, and Ron getting the role of goalkeeper. As it transpires, it was Hermione who performed the jinx on Cormac to make him under-perform, as retribution for some throwaway comments he’d made about Ron and Ginny. A little action of a good friend, perhaps, but for by-the-book Hermione to play so dirty shows that she truly cared about the person she was doing it for. If only Ron knew.

02. Come together, over me
Albus Dumbledore’s death in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was one of the most arresting, surprising and depressing deaths in literature for me, not least because it seemed to signal an uprising of Voldemort’s clan. At the end of the book, the entire school (bar a few evil-minded Slytherins) is in mourning. Ron and Hermione have set aside all the drama they have incurred in the book (in a fit of rage, Hermione had sent a bunch of canaries after Ron after seeing the two all over each other), and it is fair to say that Ron has entered that tentative transition between lad and full-fledged young man. Many of the inhabitants of Hogwarts cry, including Hermione, who, we are told, weeps into her ginger friend’s shoulder. It is a rare moment of beauty amidst a sea of heartbreak.

01. Kiss Me

There was a clatter as the basilisk fangs cascaded out of Hermione’s arms. Running at Ron, she flung them around his neck and kissed him full on the mouth. Ron threw away the fangs and broomstick he was holding and responded with such enthusiasm that he lifted Hermione off her feet.
Corny, yes. Out of place (it’s in the Battle of Hogwarts), yes. But oh my lord, it was so bloody overdue. Seven years of adventure, of being there of each other, laughter and tears, mindgames and game playing, all culminating in these few, such rewarding lines. As you may have noticed, I'm quite into my films where there's all this strife and tribulation, and it ends with a grandstanding act of redemption, and Ron and Hermione's kiss is redemption for a lot of the casualties incurred in the series.  I don’t care for Emma Watson a jot but I love Rupert Grint and Harry Potter, and thinking over all these precious Ron/Hermione moments has thoroughly piqued my thirst for the final film coming out this Friday!