Jack Grealish / KDB fanfiction, Chapter 4: Red Light, Green Light

BBFC rating: 12A (one use of strong language, moderate sex references and moderate sexual innuendo)

Author’s disclaimer: I don’t know Grealish or De Bruyne. This story is complete fiction.

Chapter 3, Optics, was here.

Restaurant review: BARRAFINA (Covent Garden)

On my birthday (18^th April), I ventured out of my cheap and cheerful and/or Groupon-bought dining comfort zone and celebrated in style with an altogether more upmarket dinner at Barrafina.

The restaurant specialises in Spanish tapas, and after the nightmare that was Salvador and Amanda with all their short-cut taking, I was naturally, a little hesitant.

I needn't have worried; Barrafina has restored my faith in Spanish tapas in London.

Here are some pictures:

Restaurant review: DISHOOM (Shoreditch)

Dishoom’s reputation precedes itself. Due to great word of mouth, the Shoreditch venue, as with the Covent Garden venue, which I have also been to, doesn’t allow bookings unless the party is of six people or more. If you’re in a party of five people or less, you have to queue on the door, with the length of the queues ranging from half an hour to an indefinite period of time.

The menu claims these prawns are 'succulent'. They tasted dry to me.

Restaurant review: EL GAUCHO (South Kensington)

The best part about staying in a Premier Inn?

That would be the breakfast buffet!

Monday's breakfast

Wednesday's breakfast

I didn't bother taking a photo on Tuesday, seeing as I tend to get the same items every day (as you may have surmised from the two photos, which basically play like a food version of Spot the Difference).

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Something I sampled this week that I wasn't so keen, on the other hand, was strawberry beer:

I needed a beverage to consume whilst I watched Chelsea vs Middlesbrough, and this drink was so vile that I really took my time with it. So at least there was that; that it lasted me the entire match and saved me having to pay for another pint! #SilvaLinings

Restaurant review: BYRON (Covent Garden)

I’ve had mixed fortunes when it comes to burger joints in London. Places like Tommi’s Burger Joint and Prime Burger were so awful I wouldn’t recommend them to my worst enemy, and other venues which don’t specialise in burgers, seem to treat them as an afterthought (Maxwell’s Bar and Grill, be ashamed. Be very ashamed). Still, due to the sheer majesty of the burgers I’ve had such as Bird, I still haven’t up hope in the capital’s ability to produce delicious burgers just yet.

Byron definitely delivered on the burger front. I had the Smoky burger, with the meat cooked medium rare, and that, along with all the ingredients (mature cheddar, streaky bacon, crispy onions, shredded iceberg, pickles and smoked chilli) rendered this a verifiable feast for the taste buds. You know it was tasty because normally I would object to paying £10 for a burger and no sides, but in this case, I feel the money was well spent. The way all the ingredients complemented each other and bought out the succulence of the steak… heaven.

Restaurant review: AZZURRO (Waterloo)

My friend Kieran and I had lunch here on Christmas Eve (here's a picture of us) when we'd both had very little for breakfast and were starving, once again proving the rule that you shouldn't decide where to eat when you're hungry.

Restaurant review: BIRD (Camden Town)

Last Wednesday, my friends from my old company and I had our monthly catchup and Bird, an American fried chicken restaurant in Camden, the venue of choice. To my surprise given the busy time of year, the place was fairly empty and we were seated immediately.

It being a Wednesday, the deal on offer was a dozen chicken wings and the house beer for a tenner, which I was all over. I also had some cheesy Korean fries, delicious and reasonably priced at £4.50. The chips were so good they wouldn't have been out of place at the equally high quality On the Bab restaurant, a Korean venue.

I think your choice of dips makes a huge impact on how much you enjoy your wings. I had the sticky soy sauce and the Nashville hot, and both complemented the chicken brilliantly - I was tearing into it with my fingers, table manners be damned.

However, my friend Nick had a different sauce (it may have been buffalo), which was poured all over his wings before served, and thus, removed the crunchy quality of the wings that is one of the main sources of its appeal. Thus, if ordering anything with sauce, I would recommend you ask them not to pour it over your wings and arrive separately in a pot, like the ones pictured below.

Apart from that minor foible, I had the time of my life at this restaurant. The waiters were attentive whenever we needed extra serviettes, but more than that, astutely judged that we were four friends who had a lot to say to each other, so thus were not IN YOUR FACE in the thirsty pursuit of a tip like some central London waiters are, so let us be, which was  much appreciated.

The final bill was very affordable, and management kindly let us sit in our booths and chat long after we'd finished consumption of dinner, which really is a welcome change from haughty places which allocate you a 1 hour 15 minute time window (or something along those lines) and are all but chasing you out with a broom once you've used up your allocated time.

My brother loves fried chicken too, so I will definitely be visiting Bird again, if not this venue, then one of its other London ones. I recommend you do so too!

Grade: A

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The rest of my restaurant reviews are listed here. If you would like me to review your place, email me at lemon_and_lime7@hotmail.com

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This is us. I'mma do a quick Outfit of the Day, because why not?!

Cardigan: Primark

T-shirt: H&M

Skirt: TK Maxx

Tights: Calzedonia

Earrings: Monsoon Accessorize

Bar review: BREWDOG (Soho)

Brewdog Soho epitomises why I'm filled with trepidation whenever someone suggests drinking in a bar in central London that is alien to me. It encapsulates all of the disadvantages of drinking in the capital and has none of the perks. Overpriced, an awful drink selection that flirted with the obtuse and blaring obnoxiously loud hipster music, the 2.5 hours I had to spend in this dive were some of the longest of my life.

Pub review: THE WOOLPACK (Bermondsey)

Restaurant review: FRANCO MANCA (Bromley)

Living out in the suburbs of south east London can be a bit of a drag sometimes, given the Tube connections revolve around north London, and all the coolest events are generally in central. Yet Franco Manca illustrates the flipside of living in the ’burbs, and how in terms of dining in a chain, being in a less busy part of the city can work to your advantage.

Review: Wetherspoon’s Thursday Curry Club

I’m a huge fan of cheap and cheerful dinners. Most pub meals tend to fulfil the latter by virtue of them being in a pub, and thus me being merrily tipsy when I’m eating it, hence the ‘cheerful’. But I also recall the majority of these pub meals also tend to be annoyingly pricey for what they are, which is just a glorified microwave job which either ends up being burnt, or tasting bland.

Wetherspoon’s Curry Club, which I had a chicken korma at yesterday (pictured above) may well be a microwave job, but it still tasted great, and the garlic naan bread (for which there is an uplift of 20p) was as yummy as anything I’ve had in various authentic curry houses. Included in the £6.69 price is also a choice of alcoholic or non-alcoholic beverages, of which I had the Coors Light, which washed down the korma a treat.

All of this amounted to very satisfying (and filling) gastronomical experience, which has gone some way to purge memories of the last terrible curry place I visited, the foul The Cinnamon. More like the waiters there were Sinnermen, amirite?

The gold standard for something doing exactly what it says on the tin.

Grade: A-

Pub review: BEDFORD & STRAND (Charing Cross)

Named as such because the pub falls on the intersection of Bedford Street and the Strand, I immediately thought of Rooney Mara when I heard of this place, because Rooney was born in Bedford, New York. (I’m somewhat obsessed with her, in case you hadn’t noticed).

Anyway, despite being at such a hot location, Bedford & Strand wasn’t half as noisy as some of its neighbouring west End drinking holes, and all the better for it. Because it’s a sort of gastropub/wine bar, the clientele is a little bit more upmarket then the drunken football fans you’ll find in Slug and Lettuce (no shade, just stating facts). And as much as it’s fun to be in good company of fellow inebriated football yoofs occasionally, sometimes you want to enjoy your booze in a slightly more genteel surroundings.

With the delineation between bar and gastropub now fully established, I didn’t feel a burning desire to try the food out here. Too many pubs that do half-arsed microwave lunches have burned me in the past (quite literally sometimes – the food is scalding hot, yet somehow, undercooked). So I can’t comment on the quality of the food.

I can, however, talk about the wine, and the wine was ace! And so reasonably priced – a delicious bottle of white wine was only £28 – compare that to the extortionate prices the Royal Opera Houses’s Amphitheatre restaurant, when the wine there was so unremarkable that I forgot to even comment on it in my review. We only sampled one bottle of wine when at Bedford & Strand (from the Staff Picks list), but due to its success, I can't wait to try some of the others on the Staff Picks list!

The beer that Bedford & Strand have on tap is also tasty, and very potent, and well-priced, at £4.50 a pint. Word of warning, however: because it's so easy on the tastebuds, you sip at it at a dangerously rapid pace. Before I knew it, I was seriously drunk!

Overall, this was a really nice find, and one that genuinely surprised me given most pubs in London’s prime locations tend to be mediocre-to-awful. Once you step inside, you might feel it’s a bit posh for you, but bear with it. Plus, due to being located right next to Charing Cross, your drunken stagger need not be too laborious a process.

It’s a well-run, well-decorated, and best of all, well-stocked pub in the city.

Grade: A-

Bar review: LOWLANDER GRAND CAFE (Covent Garden)

One for the Belgian beer connoisseurs out there, Lowlander, a trendy pub with a wide range of beers from around the world, specialising in Belgian ones. 15 beers are available on tap and a wide variety come in bottles, meaning even beer-phobics will certainly find something they'll enjoy tasting. I cannot recommend the banana beer, pictured above, enough!

It's a bit more packed and congested than your typical pub, so after you've had a few you have to be careful not to tread on anyone's toes when navigating the pub. It's also a bit more expensive than usual. But in my opinion, the little extra is worth the money, for the experience of drinking in unusual glasses, like the one pictured below!

Grade: B+