Dishiest chaps in a 2012 film.

Happy Valentines Day readers! What better way to celebrate than with ten dishy dudes! For the 10 most alluring ladies of 2012, click here!

10. Chace Crawford, What to Expect When You're Expecting

Pious BAFTA grandstanding is exactly why I won't be watching the Oscars this year.

I didn't do too well in my BAFTA predictions, although at least I beat my performance last year, where I barely got anything right (as it was on Valentines Day last year, I took it as a sign that Carol would win the categories it deserved to win. That delusion).

Fantastic Virtue-Signallers and Where to Find Them. I heard JK Rowling is retrospectively writing yet another Harry Potter spin-off, about Professor McGonagall's uncharted secret past, where she had a Chinese girlfriend. Emma Stone is favourite to get the role of said Chinese girlfriend. 

Mild 12s.

I spotted this arrangement in my local charity shop a few weeks ago, and greatly applaud the craftsmanship to arrange the films by BBFC rating!

Whilst perusing charity stores and DVD exchange shops, I noticed this on the back of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air DVD boxsets:

What was noteworthy about these two were that they flagged 'mild sex references', yet 12s are usually 12s due to moderate reasons! Bizarre.

Because I'm a stickler for random BBFC trivia, here are more 12s with mild reasons flagged in the short insight. I will update as and when I come across new ones.

I've also nerded out to 15s which had no strong components, post here.

Review of the 133 films I watched in 2016 [with BBFC analysis]

I’m slowly going through my review of 2016 releases, one blog post per week (backlog: un et deux). As I still have quite a lot of the 2016 awards-nominated films to see and thus don't want to complete my 'review of the year' without giving them a chance first, I thought I’d buy some time by looking at all the films I watched in 2016, not just the ones that were released that year.

I watched 133 films in total last year, in a mixture of mediums, from at the cinema (my Cineworld Unlimited and Odeon Unlimited cards have both recouped their charges), at the cinema with ISENSE, whatever that is, on DVD, on the TV, on Netflix and Amazon Prime, and a few other mediums that I shan’t detail.

The arithmetic mean for the 133 films I gave out of ten was 6.54, which unfortunately shows some erroneous decision-making on my part, given I generally only watch a film if I expect it to be 7/10 in quality.

However, the appearance of a couple of lesser-seen films with my favourite actresses in, Saoirse Ronan and Rooney Mara, on Netflix, including a couple of real stinkers (Lost River, Dream Boy, Dare, Trash), would have no doubt bought this average down. Plus, while catching up with the 2015 Oscar-contention films, there were a handful which I didn’t think were that great, but watched for the sake of completeness (eg The Revenant and The Big Short), so they, too, would have skewed the average.

I recently went on an R course, so here be three graphs that indulge my statistical fascination with films (and the BBFC in particular).

The 10 Worst Performances of 2016.

I thought I'd post this list now, as I generally don't watch a film unless I think it's going to be 7/10 or more in terms of my enjoyment of it, thus, can't foresee me watching any other bad films (which usually contain the stinker performances) from this year.

10. Jared Leto, Suicide Squad 

An annoying and laughable bastardisation of the Joker character (which in Heath Ledger's far more capable hands, was terrifying) where he plagiarised liberally from James Franco in Spring Breakers as well as the 'Mexican gangster' cliche. But the worst thing about Leto's interpretation of the Joker  were his obnoxious off-screen antics during filming, all in the name of being 'Method'. Viola Davis giving him the sideye at this press junket perfectly encapsulates my feelings towards his insufferable behaviour. The fact that Leto has an Oscar and Davis doesn't says a lot about how little that golden man is actually about meritocracy.

My BBFC game (level 3)

Short insights with the word 'threat' in them.

I have no life.

Fantastic Oscar-beggers and Where to Find Them.

Glaring mistake is glaring. Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, starring professional awards-chaser Eddie Redcarpet, is a 12A, not a PG. Frankly, a PG certificate wouldn't be enough to contain all of Eddie's Oscar thirst and all of JK Rowling's virtue-signalling hypocrisy.

--

The BBFC replied to my email on Someone to Talk to, by the way. It's a lot more satisfactory a response than the one they sent me about So Young 2 Never Gone:

Dear Emma

Thank you for your email.

BBFC classification decisions are made in line with available research and our Classification Guidelines which are a product of an extensive public consultation process. This process is repeated every 4-5 years and over 10,000 people contributed to the creation of the Classification Guidelines 2014, which are available here. 

They state that: 'Portrayals of potentially dangerous behaviour (especially relating to hanging, suicide and self-harm) which children and young people may potentially copy, will be cut if a higher classification is not appropriate. '

The level of detail depicted in both films with regards to the suicide attempts is permissible at 12A. However the suicide attempt in Two Days, One Night is shown to have little in the way of consequences. The lead character is shown to gag but otherwise does not seem to suffer any ill effects. She looks serene and healthy in her hospital bed and the doctors seem unconcerned about any possible long term damage. The scene is therefore better placed at 15.

In contrast, the character in Someone To Talk To is shown weak but recovering in hospital. Suicide is not presented as an attractive option and so this content is permissible at 12A.

The references to suicide in Someone To Talk To start early in the film and occur throughout, becoming part of the theme of the work. They were not considered to be a 'spoiler' in that it's not an issue that suddenly and unexpectedly comes up later in the film. Also, given the prevalence of the references - which are not simply an isolated moment or element in the work - it was necessary to warn people about them, even more so because this is a 12A film on which parents may want clear advice.

We have an FAQ about spoilers on the black card on our website which explains our policy http://www.bbfc.co.uk/about-bbfc/faqs#insight-spoiler You may also be interested in Podcast Episode 20 which covers how the BBFC approaches classifying self-harm and suicide http://www.bbfc.co.uk/case-studies/podcasts/bbfc-podcast-episode-20-classifying-self-harm-and-suicide 

Yours sincerely

Joe

 BBFC Feedback Team

From this much better, detailed email, I've inferred that the BBFC spend more time on a query if you complain that the film should have been higher than it was, as opposed to lower. The speed at which they respond to you is almost halved, too - my So Young 2 Never Gone email took exactly 2 weeks to reply, the maximum time they stipulated, whereas this took just 8 days.

--

Finally, look who blocked me on Twitter:

Not the first time Jamie Vardy's been abrupt to an east Asian person, now is it?

(admittedly, a lot of my festering anger at this whole affair isn't just the fact that Vardy racially abused a Japanese man. It's the fact that he racially abused a Japanese man and esteemed football writers who purport to care about racism, like Henry Winter and Daniel Taylor, wrote sod-all about it).

#ByeFelicia

The Guardian are now begging for donations.

In a display of desperation that would make Felicia Vikander and Eddie Redcarpet look aloof, The Guardian's trust fund has dwindled and they are now begging their readers for money.

A coffee a week, or paying Sachin Nakrani and Daniel Taylor's salaries??

It's a tough one.

Clever Girl (and Thirsty Girl).

The ultimate date movie Gone Girl is on Netflix, which allows me to pore over every shot and admire the precision with which David Fincher bought the novel to life. A touch I particularly liked was displaying Amy's undergraduate and Masters certificates:

Like the scheming eponymous lead, I also hold an undergraduate and a Masters degree. Unlike Amy Wexford Elliot Dunne, however, they're from institutions slightly less distinguished than Harvard and Yale.

All that being said, if my brother succeeds in graduating from Cambridge, then gets his MSc from Oxford or an American Ivy League, then he can consider himself as decorated as Amy!

--

I saw The Light Between Oceans yesterday. I thought it was absolutely bloody awful (Light Between Oceans? More like SHITE between Oceans), bloated, over-sentimental, and various characters' actions didn't seem consistent with their personality that they'd exhibited previously. It was even worse than The Place Beyond the Pines, if that's possible.

Although Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander both gave strong, affecting performances as the parents who are blighted with miscarriage upon miscarriage, I'm starting to find Alicia Vikander's continual thirst for Oscar glory a little trying. You just won one girl, calm down a bit!

This frustrates me because there's no doubt that Vikander is a great actress (loved her work as the alluring robot Ava in Ex Machina), but I feel her talents would be put to better use if she didn't try so hard. That she won the Oscar this year for her work in The Danish Girl, a film which encompasses the Trifecta of Awards Thirst: Eddie Redcarpet, director Tom Hooper and Alicia, illustrates that begging for awards can reap its desired effect.

Personally, I'm not averse to an actor campaigning relentlessly if I thought they deserved the gold (#YouDoYou), which is why I'm a lot more forgiving to Anne Hathaway for working the awards circuit, hard, in 2013, because she slayed as Fantine.

But it's just a shame Alicia had to win and in doing so, stealing Rooney Mara's Oscar for such a brazenly awards-orientated role of the put-upon supportive wife, as opposed to her more intelligent and restrained performances in Ex Machina or The Man from U.N.C.L.E, performances that were far more engaging and allowed her natural grace to shine, rather than sobbing incessantly, which was all she did in The Danish Girl. I like my Oscar-winning acting turns to come with a bit more nuance.

I do like Alicia (when I saw her first in 2012's Anna Karenina I described her as 'a very pretty Swedish actress'), and those big brown eyes of hers were just made for emoting. And despite The Light Between Oceans craving awards, it probably won't receive them, as the film has (rightly) been received with muted reception in the US, so graciously, I won't have to resent her more during this year's Oscar season.

But with another Oscar-begging title out next year, Tulip Fever, I'm afraid I'm going to have to brand Alicia Vikander the female Eddie Redmayne in terms of serially appearing in awards-bait. Eddie Redmayne has a less-than-flattering monicker 'Eddie Redcarpet', given in reference to how he played a disabled character and a transgender character, back to back, in order to receive an Oscar win and a nomination, respectively. Alicia Vikander is approaching this level of strategic film choices, and thus, I have no choice but to dub her, Felicia Vikander.

Side note: Alicia wasn't the only one guilty of being a little too keen to win her Oscar this year, as Leonardo DiCaprio and Brie Larson were campaigning endlessly, to the point where it also turned me off Brie (I thought Saoirse Ronan should have won for her majestic performance in Brooklyn). Between those three, they made 2016 the desperate Oscar campaign I'd ever had the misfortune of witnessing. (I love you Leo, but was The Revenant a cold shoot by any chance? You hadn't mentioned).

These three's Oscar thirst was further accentuated when compared to the behaviour of Brit Mark Rylance, winner of Best Supporting Actor, who did zero campaigning, and didn't even show up to BAFTA, the movie award body of his homeland, to accept his gong, because he was acting on Broadway at the time.

So, whilst thirst paid off in Leo, Alicia and Brie's cases, it's encouraging to see that some actors don't feel the need to try so hard, and were happy to let their acting do the talking.

My 10 Favourite Performances in 2015

Not necessarily a definitive list of the best acting performances, per se (although quality of the performance and convincingness are important in my judgement of it), but also how much it spoke to me, whether it be due to the character, the way the actor gave their role depth, or both. For an example of a past list, here be 2010's Hall of Fame.

10. Daisy Ridley & John Boyega, Star Wars: The Force Awakens 

A Look Back at Tess of the D’Urbervilles.

Thomas Hardy’s famous novel Tess of the D’Urbervilles was not a universal hit when it was first published in 1891, and met more than its fair share of controversy. Society at that time, it seemed, were not particularly receptive a novel that sympathised with women, that sympathised with the lower class, or was willing to challenge the social and sexual codes of the time. Over 100 years on, society is a lot more accepting to the ideas raised in his novel, and, just before the release of the next Bond film, the BBC have found the perfect time to re-invigorate Hardy’s novel onto the small screen.

22-year-old Kent-born English rose Gemma Aterton, who appears in three 2008 releases – RocknRolla, Three and Out, and Quantum of Solace, plays the low-born but beautiful country girl Tess who catches the eye of the immoral Alec D'Urberville, who, after persist and failed attempts to win her heart, takes advantage of her tired state one night, leaving her wounded and broken, but also leaving her a mother, to a stillborn baby. Things get better for Tess when she meets her supposed soulmate in Angel Clare, who falls for her too (and this time, the love is requited), but her shady past (to no fault of her own) continues to catch up with her, and finally, her honest soul lets her down when she admits to her newfound husband about her past endeavours, and he hypocritically rejects her.

Having had read the novel, I knew how the story went, but that didn’t stop me from feeling for Tess as strongly as I did the first time I read the novel. In their adaptation, the BBC choose not to blur the line between whether or not it was seduction or rape – they depict the event as rape (which is also how I interpret it). Tess’ subsequent downfall is heartbreaking, not least because of the raw, gut-wrenching performance from Gemma Aterton, who, accent aside, captures all the qualities of Tess Durbyfield – kind-hearted, sincere, loyal, naïve, and prokects them into a brilliant performance. Her final scenes with Alec, in particular, broke my heart.

Overall, despite a few drawbacks, I found Tess and beautiful and moving adaptation of Hardy’s novel, and I look forward to seeing more of Miss Aterton!

So, for those of you who watched this, what did you make of it?