Interesting BBFC Short Insights.

In case you thought I was done talking crap about the BBFC and Jonah Hill with my blog post on Saturday, you were quite mistaken, thank you very much.

Having the BBFC app installed on my phone means I can eat up commutes by entering my favourite film stars’ names into the search box and pedantically spot things that are amiss, such as:

I've never seen a U-rated film with strong language, just saying. Or just being a pedantic cnut. (It's not an 18-rated use of the c-word if you call yourself it).

A few other screenshots from the app I have sitting around on my phone feature short insight that was, for one reason or another, quite eye-watering:

Not everyday you see that in a line of insight!

The insight for Blue Velvet, which turns 30 this year, is a curious artefact because it shows how crucial it is to include an 'and' between the 'sex' and 'violence', else you'll get the first classification issue, something else altogether: sexual violence.

What's interesting about Blue Velvet's 18 certificate is that practically all the 18-rated content is due to Dennis Hopper's nightmarishly scary Frank Booth. He pillages, mutilates, rapes, and also, is the only character in the film to utter the f-word. And he says it a lot, especially when someone asks for an alcoholic beverage he doesn't agree with. (Spoiler alert: he's not a fan of this drink).

Although I despise this pretentious film, (it's in my bottom 10 of all-time), I think Hopper was absolutely magnificent as Frank Booth, giving an iconic performance as one of the most memorable movie villains of all time. 

I mean, you can see why I identify with him: one's a foul-mouthed, perverted psychopath.

The other's a figment of David Lynch's imagination.

Continuing with BBFC short insights of films in my bottom 10 of all time; this Bible-bashing movie be my second most despised film ever, second only to American Hustle. 

It was bloated and boring A F, and the BBFC aren't wrong with their short insight. It certainly does contain potentially dangerous behaviour: you could potentially fall asleep from boredom and never wake up as a result of watching this snorefest.

On the topic of 'potentially dangerous behaviour' as a classification issue, The Secret World of Alex Mack, which is a kid's show, getting a 15 might seem odd, especially as it has a GP (the olden version of the PG) from the MPAA. I haven't seen this show but given it's about a kid for kids, I'd imagine PG is correct, generally.

But the BBFC have one issue of contention which gets them extremely anxious and trigger-happy to up-rate, that doesn't seem to be shared with other viewing boards across the world, and that's the perilous practice of a child hiding in a tumble dryer, particularly if such an act isn't demonstrated to have negative consequences.

That's precisely why this show's a 15 (I only know this from reading around). Because Alex does exactly that in one of the episodes and the action is not only presented to be dangerous, but fun and whimsical. An impressionable kid watching this might draw the wrong conclusions from watching Alex do so and try it out from themselves.

On several of the BBFC podcasts, they've discussed how every year, some children crawl into tumble driers, their parents don't know they're in there, and the kid dies. It's not a high proportion of children, but still, a life is still a life, and as such, I completely empathise with the BBFC's justification for rating a kid's show with PG content 15. They're just being responsible. If only they exercised such responsibility when rating Sausage Party, isn't it.

There's a line between being being responsible and being a nanny-state, however. 18 for dangerous car stunts? Seems a bit harsh.

This is the extended insight for a movie called, Oliver, Stoned, which is an 18 purely for marijuana use.

This isn't just draconian but also inconsistent, given movies with some pretty graphic depictions of harder drugs have been passed 15 (off the top of my head, I'm thinking  Candy, Wild, War Dogs, Get Him to the Greek, but there's really loads of 15-rated titles with depictions of heroin or cocaine use).

It's only MJ in this movie and it got an 18! Evidently, the BBFC really don't like glamorisation of drugs, even soft ones.

This 18-rated film, a very good adaptation of my favourite novel, thoroughly earns its 18 certificate. The BBFC insight is detailed, bordering on spoilerish, though, no?

Another insight line that is detailed to the point of giving away the plot...

And again! With Nobody Knows and Cracks, I don't see why they couldn't have just used 'mature themes' in both instances.

Another short insight that is almost too prescriptive.

I'm not sure if this is more of a line of insight, or a value judgement about the quality of the film?! What one man may judge to be 'irresponsible behaviour' might seem like just good fun to a more immature individual like me.

As with Mr Bean's Holiday, this feels closer to a line you'd expect in a review rather than a description of what to expect in terms of content.

'Historical cigarette advertising', lol.

The last issue I'll talk about is a turn of phrase which, thanks to the BBFC's employment in short insights, I absolutely adore: 'emotional intensity'. I'm a fairly emotional person (I cried from beginning to end at Kubo and the Two Strings), so my default setting is 'mild emotional' intensity'...

.... although when I'm on the blob, this line is more accurate.

Not to be confused with Martin Scorsese's upcoming film, this is one extremely detailed and specific PG classification issue, eh?

'Drawings of explicit sex'. 😳

I started with a bit of BBFC bantz about one of my favourite actors, so, only fair I end with some banter about one of my least favourite actresses (if you can call her that).

This is at the Covent Garden Odeon, and suggests that some opportunist under-15 year old kids are trying to sneak in, or try their luck with fake IDs in order to see Suicide Squad.

They'd do well to pay heed to the BBFC rating for Suicide Squad, tbh. Film was traumatising.

Cara Delevingne's twerking still gives me nightmares.

Bar review: GRAND UNION (Camden)

Grand Union was relatively easy to find (we walked over from Camden Town Odeon, which is itself very close to Camden Town tube) from the station. It’s very spacious, and (pleasingly) surprisingly empty on a Sunday, meaning that finding somewhere to sit isn’t a problem, and there are comfy sofas aplenty. The décor was quirkily mismatched.

During Happy Hour, the cocktails are decent value for money at 2 for £10, although without the Happy Hour, I wouldn’t touch them (to be fair, I only ever have cocktails if it’s part of some deal, else they seem too much of an extravagance and I plump for beer or cider instead), so this isn't a criticism singular to Grand Union.

The espresso martini had a good blend of caffeine and alcohol and the Long Island Ice tea was boozy without being too potent (LIIT is a dangerous gateway drink to chundering on the curb). Graciously, this time ingesting LIIT did not lead to any kind of vomiting, as the waiter who prepared it made sure not to go overboard with the alcohol. The 2 cocktails for £10 deal is valid all day on a Sunday, so if you're going to visit Grand Union any day, make sure it's then!

In terms of the food, I wasn’t too impressed. The vegetarian platter, photographed above, had aubergines which is one of my least favourite ingredients. Admittedly, I was partially at fault there, for ordering it without properly checking out the ingredients, but even if they were going to include aubergines, they could have made the rest of it good. As such, it was just a couple of pieces of vegetables stuck insipidly on top of each other, and bound together with a toothpick and an egg thing which didn't taste that good either. 

Chips also came with the vegetarian platter, but they were miles away from the delicious chunky chips I’ve had at other pubs, or even the French fries of McDonald’s. They could at least have come with some herb mayonnaise to dip into, or something! Hardly the pinnacle of vegetarian dining, especially for £9. 

Overall, the menu was quite uninspired in terms of finger food; I would have liked just a little more in the way of choice.

At least the nachos were nice, although again, a touch overpriced at £10. 

Whilst I thoroughly enjoyed my stay in Grand Union and was a good level of tipsy from the cocktails, there were two things that could have made my visit better, which I shall mark Grand Union down for, somewhat unfairly given the managers can only really be in control of one of these things. 

The first was the overpriced, mediocre vegetarian platter. The second were a group of raucous girls sat adjacent to us, who were a tad loud (I daresay they were drunk) and not aware that their boisterousness was borderline intrusive to neighbouring people's personal space in terms of noise. 

A bit churlish to down-rate Grand Union for that, I know, given you can’t police your clientele, but that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. 

Grade: B

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If you would like me to review your restaurant/bar/karaoke venue, drop me an email at lemon_and_lime7@hotmail.com

Sausage Party should NOT have been rated 15!!

Urgh, Sausage Party.

I wasn't the biggest fan of this film (5/10 for me), which is somewhat surprising given I love crude, non-PC humour a la Family Guy, and the Hollywood cast behind it was eye-watering. But I found SP ludicrous, try-hard, thinking itself cleverer than it was, as well as committing the cardinal sin of comedies: being unfunny.

The dialogue, for starters, felt forced, like they were trying to beat some record for the amount of f-bombs in a movie. The screenwriters inserted 'f_ck' into almost every line of dialogue and as such, it lost its impact. It also led the script to feel somewhat clunky; contrast that to the swearing in Martin Scorsese movies. In some of his films, the curse words come thick and fast, but you buy it, because it feels organic, and part of the character and the way they speak. With SP it just felt like they were trying to be edgy.

I didn't laugh at many of the jokes. I thought the scope was too ambitious - trying to cover racism, religion, and analogising each race to foodstuffs (how utterly groundbreaking), as well as having an underlying story about sausages discovering the truth about what happens to them. The weird plunger who kept wanting to get revenge on Seth Rogen and Kristen Wiig's character was creepy A F, didn't like him.

But I'm not here to rant about Sausage Party. It's doing well for itself at the Box Office, and you can't begrudge Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg for that. What didn't do it for me, is clearly doing it for many other cinemagoers.

No, I'd like to discuss how on earth the BBFC gave Sausage Party a 15 certificate. There are two main classification issues that I thought should have taken it to an 18.

1. The male-to-female usage of the c-word

in the following discussion, when I refer to 'cnut', I'm actually talking about the word with the n and the u switched around.

The f-word itself is not enough to elevate a 15 to an 18, no matter how many times you say it. And you can actually say 'cnut' quite a few times in a 15-rated film (from the BBFC podcasts, I believe the record number of c-words you can say is seven or eight), depending on the context. 

But single uses of the c-word can lift it from a 15 to 18. I'm thinking of Sleeping Beauty, not the Disney classic, but a dark tale of a girl who lets men pay her to do whatever they want to her whilst she's asleep. There were three issues contributing to the 18 certificate there, but if you read the report I linked, one of them was an 18-rated use of the c-word, which was directed aggressively towards her whilst she's asleep. There's another such anatomical use of the c-word, directed from a man to a woman in François Ozon's similarly themed Jeune et Jolie, also an 18.

So the BBFC are pretty squeamish about male-to-female uses of the c-word, because of the misogynistic overtones, as well as the fact that men are generally taller and stronger than women, so the utterance of the c-word adds to an element of 'imbalance of power'. One episode of Californication was thus put up to 18 because a lady was called a 'f_cking cnut' by a drunk man because she accidentally bumped into him.

Similarly, one of the two issues that got Gone Girl its 18 rating was when Ben Affleck calls Rosamund Pike a 'f_cking cnut' repeatedly, to which she replies defiantly, 'I'm the cnut you married'.

Off the top of my head, one film which was passed 15 despite containing a male-to-female usage of the c-word is in Frank, when Domhnall Gleeson calls Maggie Gyllenhaal one. But that scene is resolved immediately in a comic manner to show that she hasn't taken offence, quite the opposite, it's turned her on, and in that case, the impact is greatly reduced.

Anyway, back to Sausage Party, which contained three uses of the c-word. Two of them were uttered by Edward Norton's bagel, and he's either referring to himself or another man, so they didn't bother me. His character has ongoing beef with a lavash called Kareem (Seth Rogen's laboured metaphor for the Israel/Palestine conflict), so one of the c-bombs was him calling Kareem that under his breath, pretty expected.

The third c-word, however, said near the start of the film, is delivered by Jonah Hill's sausage about Kristen Wiig's bun, after she's shown him up in front of everyone. He turns to Seth Rogen's sausage (Wiig's boyfriend in the film) and says 'Dude, um, how do I say this to you gently? But your girlfriend, um... She's a fucking cnut.'

Sidenote: we already know Jonah delivers the c-word with relish:

Given all the examples I've just given of films taken up to 18 because of male to female uses of the c-word, and what the BBFC repeatedly state themselves on their podcasts (which I have listened to over and over many a time on my commutes, how do you think I can just reel off examples off the top of my head?), a man screaming the c-word at a woman is likely to take the film up to an 18.

I get that Jonah's sausage didn't scream it in this scene, and he was also saying it about a woman rather than to her (although she was within earshot) but the matter of fact way in which he said it, the fact that misogynistic abuse was being played for laughs, meant that the BBFC should definitely have thought about the suitability of such language within a 15-rated framework.

2. The orgy scene
Firstly, I totally get that you can show quite a lot of sex in 15-rated films. Blue Valentine, Monster's Ball and Black Swan are held up by the BBFC as the upper bounds of sex that will be allowed in a 15; the former two flirted with the Kiss of Death rating, the NC-17 in the States, yet didn't even get the highest 18 certificate here.

(Interestingly, La mala educación, which, whilst being nowhere near Pedro Almodóvar's most explicit film and comfortably placed at 15, got NC-17 in the States. This is because the MPAA rate homosexual love scenes with a different yardstick to heterosexual ones, something that the BBFC, who treat all sex scenes equally, don't. Basically, the MPAA be hella homophobic).

The reason Blue Valentine and Monster's Ball had their sex scenes rated 15 despite being quite long and featuring mechanical thrusting motions, is, as argued by the BBFC in their podcasts, the crucialness they play to the plot of the films, as well as both movies featuring sex in the framework of a loving relationship.

It is for this reason that the BBFC are stricter on group sex scenes, even if the detail is minimal. The last Lindsay Lohan movie I saw, the 18-rated The Canyons, contained a ménage à quatre scene, but although there were some impressions of what was going on, it was so dimly lit that all you saw were shadowy movement. Because the shapes were so dark and vaguely made out, this group sex scene lacked the intimacy of something in, say, Blue Valentine.

Similarly, Straight Outta Compton: Director's Cut was rated 18 (the theatrical cut was a 15) due to one such scene, even though the BBFC's Irish counterpart, the IFCO, rated the Director's Cut a 15, and the Irish film board, whilst matching the majority of the BBFC's decisions, tend to be harsher with sex scenes overall. For example, some of the sex scenes that the BBFC allow at 12, the Irish rate 15. This tells me that the content of the Straight Outta Compton: Director's Cut scene couldn't have really been that strong, or else the Irish would have followed suit in rating it 18.

So the BBFC are more permissive than their Irish counterparts on sex overall, if it's within the framework of a couple doing it, whether it be man/woman [Never Let Me Go is a 15 in Ireland, 12 here], man/man, or woman/woman [Black Swan is an 18 in Ireland]), but stricter on orgies. Fair enough, every film board is different and operates by their own protocol.

So, why, then, if a sex scene involving more than 2 people usually gets a film an 18 certificate, was Sausage Party a 15?!?!?!?!?!

I lost count of the amount of members of the supermarket foods orgy scene, but there were a hell of a lot more people involved than just 2, and the detail was graphic, there was no ambiguity about what was going on, and the mechanical detail, in terms of sexual outlets was crude and nasty.

I was traumatised by that scene. The audience around me loved it, laughing their heads off at every frame, but honestly, I just thought it was tacky. And like I've said before, it's hardly like I'm epitome of highbrow; I usually find crude humour hilarious. But this was too much. And definitely too much for a 15 certificate.

I know the BBFC will just say that 'oh but it was with animated foods, it's not like it's humans' , but these foods are given anthropomorphic (foodthropomorphic?) qualities, so that argument doesn't really wash with me. They had arms, legs, faces, voices, and quite clearly, sexual libidos. To palm the explicitness of that sex scene off as 15-material just because they were cartoon sausages and buns is irresponsible, and irresponsible is not a word I often throw at the BBFC [I usually think they're too cautious].

Long post was long, I know. But Sausage Party should not have been a goddamn 15. I'm sure Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg would have embraced the 18 certificate had they been given it, and taken it as a badge of honour in terms of what it said about the film's filth. Because it was filth, and 15-17 years old should not have been allowed to see it.

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maybe I just wrote all this because I watched Sausage Party almost exclusively for Jonah Hill (just like the cartoon pictured above), and the film was ultimately disappointing. Here's hoping that Kubo and the 2 Strings, which I'm watching tomorrow for Rooney Mara, won't follow in SP's crappy footsteps.

Bar review: THE ESCAPOLOGIST (Covent Garden)

I visited The Escapologist bar with my friend Rebecca to use a Groupon deal (here we are at the place in question), where I’d bought six cocktails for £24. Unlike previous experiences using Groupon, LivingSocial or Wowcher, where the vendor gives you a completely different experience from the one advertised by way of passive aggressive punishment for you had the temerity to buy their product from a discount website, The Escapologist’s cocktails were just as immense and fabulous as if we’d gone there and paid full price for our drinks.

The cocktail menu of this Covent Garden bar is an absolute beast, and the waiters and waitresses certainly don’t scrimp on alcohol content of the drinks. My Old Fashioned was actually even more boozier than the one I’d had at Dandelyan’s, despite the fact that £24 would not buy you even two drinks at Dandelyan, haha. By the end of the night, the three cocktails had gotten me thoroughly drunk. Three drinks of comparable size in Slug and Lettuce won’t even make you vaguely merry.

The first drink I had in The Escapologist was the Flaming Zombie, which, true to its name, was served in a zombie skull and even featured the visual flourish of having a passion fruit on top, set on fire. This meant that in addition to it tasting great and getting me in a suitably light-headed mood to chat crap with my girl, I was also treated to visual pyrotechnics with my drink! Video below.

Obviously, because the deal is £24 for any six cocktails on the menu, it makes economic sense to order the most expensive cocktails, so in addition to the Old Fashioned and Flaming Zombie (both retailing at £11.50) I had an equally priced Cuban Orange, which I don’t think I’ve ever (knowingly) ordered before. It was sweet but not saccharine and the amalgamation of vanilla-infused Bacardi Oro, Gran Marnier, fresh lime and brown sugar worked a treat. I have a new tipple to order when I'm in bars now!

It wasn’t just the flavours and alcohol-levels of the beverages that were on point in The Escapologist, because the music was ace, and after a few sips of my first drink, I was bopping along, imagining I was singing it at the karaoke [admittedly, it doesn’t take much for the inner out-of-tune songstress in me to be unleashed]. The background music in The Escapologist was a great blend of popular music that’s currently in the charts, as well as hits from previous years that you might have forgotten about. Eminem and D12’s ‘My Band’ is an example of this – after my visit to The Escapologist, I had it stuck in my head for days.

Overall, I had a sick time at The Escapologist. I do, however, have to retell a sorry incident that happened at the start which made me feel sick in a different sense of the word. Before the serving of our first drink, a guy pushed in in front of me at the bar, and the waitress served him, despite the fact that I’d been queuing quietly and politely for well over ten minutes (it was Happy Hour, thus, rammed).

I know it’s churlish to fault The Escapologist for this, because it’s not like the waitress had eyes on the back of her head and could be aware where everyone was every second of the day, particularly as it was packed. How was she to know that I’d honoured the code of common decency and he had not, but merely been ruder, and thus, inadvertently awarded him for it?

It’s definitely the bellend who did so (#WhiteMalePrivilege, just saying) who was in the wrong, for being so entitled that he thought nothing of trampling all over me. The alacrity with which he swooped in ahead of me indicated that this wasn’t the first time he’d pushed in, so I shouldn’t take it so personally. But, nonetheless, this incident was fairly irritating.

I would love to make like the Taylor Swift lyric and Shake it Off, but these microaggressions happen far too frequently in popular London bars and I’m sick of this shit plus when have I ever been the bigger person and passed up the chance to hold a grudge about anything? #GoneGirlDNA. Thus, it is perhaps a little unfortunate that I must dock points from The Escapologist for what would otherwise be a perfect A grade.

Grade: A-

Restaurant review: BACCO RESTAURANT AND WINE BAR (Holborn)

Bacco is an extremely classy Italian restaurant that’s somewhat hidden in Holborn. One can’t help thinking that it would have the volume of clients it merits if it were located in trendy Shoreditch or Soho instead, but the fact that it wasn’t jam packed meant that people who visited benefited from almost exclusive service, something that would be unheard of in the better known London districts.

It’s worth hunting the location of Bacco out because the restaurant and wine bar, like Jonah Hill’s acting skills, is remarkably versatile: it can be visited for a romantic dinner, yet also represents a great avenue for a boozy night out with friends.

I had spaghetti bolognese and I’m genuinely not hyperbolising when I’m saying it was the best spag bol I’ve ever had! It put every other spag bol I’ve ever had to shame, especially the dross I had the misfortune of being served at Theo Randall, which, even though occurred five years ago, was so overpriced and disgusting that it’s etched into my memory. 

At a lot of restaurants in London you either get quality or quantity with your dishes and not both. Sadly it's just an artefact of visiting London restaurants; these places ride on their location. But my main here, pictured above, had both; diners are treated to a hearty amount of delicious cooking. The way the beef, chilli, cheese and spaghetti intertwined was heavenly, and whatever herbs the chefs used,  they really bought out the flavour of the meal.

The dessert was also fabulous, a tiramisu with a macaroon on the side. The macaroon wasn’t just there to look pretty, it tasted amazing, and gave the dessert an extra dimension. I loved that the tiramisu was intricately homemade, light-years ahead of the out-of-the-box crap Ravello tried to con punters with. Hilariously, both are about the same price. 

A white Russian washed my dinner down sumptuously, indicating that there is nothing Bacco does wrong.

The service from Bacco was efficient and the waiters were attentive, topping up my tap water as soon as the level fell slightly below the middle of the glass.

I have nothing but praise for this exceptional restaurant. It’s a tiny bit more than I usually pay for a dinner, but it’s definitely value for money. Check it out.

Grade: A

The Shade Between BBFC Insight.

Derek Cianfrance, the director of the sobering romantic drama Blue Valentine as well as the ambitious but ultimately disappointing The Place Beyond the Pines, both starring Ryan Gosling, has another film out this year, not starring Ryan Gosling. The film in question has a clunky title to rival its predecessor: The Light Between Oceans.

This film is already out in the States but is not released here until November, although it has been given a BBFC rating. It is rated 12A, unsurprisingly, given it got a PG-13 in the States (and as you should know by now, ~90% of PG-13s align to 12As here, and if they don’t, I usually write a blog discussing/questioning why).

The short insight made me cackle, as, if I didn’t know better, I would think the BBFC were throwing shade at the movie’s male and female leads:

The film revolves around a lighthouse keeper and his wife, who discover a baby washed up on the shore. Having grappled with conception and several heartbreaking miscarriages, they decide to raise the baby as their own. The protagonists are played by Michael Fassbender and stealer of Rooney Mara’s Oscar this year Alicia Vikander, who are a couple in real life.

However, the more cynical of moviegoers don’t buy this, and think that their relationship is a Weinstein Company-manufactured showmance, created for the PR of The Light Between Oceans; a belief given further fuel during the BAFTA ceremony this year, when the Kiss Cam centred on them and they refused to smooch. One person believes this showmance theory so much they even have a Tumblr account about it.

I’m undecided about the veracity of the claims on that Tumblr account, and frankly, celebrities’ love lives are none of my goddamn business anyway. But I was tickled by the BBFC insight, and immediately wondered if the BBFC were in their own way, giving a veiled message about how much they bought into the Fassbender/Vikander relationship. 

As if describing their sex life as ‘infrequent’ wasn’t bad enough… ‘moderate’, too. Dayum.

(Or, you know, they were just genuinely describing the content of the film and I could be reading too much into three words and need to stop assuming everyone is as Shady McGrady as I am.)

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In other sort of BBFC-related news, when my brother turned 18 this year, I couldn’t resist using it as an excuse to a) give a shoutout to my favourite film certification board and b) plug three excellent films that I'm always hollering at him to watch in order to enrich our level of repartee and inside jokes at others' expense.

Channel 4 pulled a blinder on Sunday night, screening The Wolf of Wall Street, so I forced Tom to watch it, which is good because for the sake of completeness, we’ve watched practically all the Jonah Hill movies together now (minus True Story, but I have zero interest in that film; it looks like a prolonged, failed, Oscar beg on his and James Franco’s part and no one got any time for that. It was gruelling enough having to sit through Jonah’s WoWS co-star beg for his Oscar).

Tom, being the good man that he is, said he enjoyed it a lot, especially given that he’d caught an outdoor screening The Big Short in London last week and found it dry A F. I’m glad his mathematical prowess translates to being able to determine the wheat from the chaff in terms of films about finance, too.

As I’ve said before, several of the clown dude-bros who I’ve had the serious misfortune of going on dates with fancy themselves a kind of Leo in WoWS-type character, so it was funny to watch the film with Tom and delve into the psyche of these clowns (or so they wish).

Next up from that Facebook status, I’ll be bullying my brother into watching Gone Girl, so he can understand the psyche of the woman these clowns have chosen to go on a date with. 

(or so I wish).