I should/would have blogged about last week's episode, but I missed the start of it, so for me, Britain's Got Talent starts todaybung.
Continuing with their pursuit of talent across the UK, Simon, Amanda and Piers hit Cardiff, where the first act doesn't fail to make an impact. They are The Sing Souls, three 16-17 girls, led by an unbearably arrogant little madam who believes that her trio are easily better than Sugababes and Pussycat Dolls. So, they come on-stage, wherein he leader smugly tells Simon that they could "easily outsell them [The Spice Girls]", which raises eyebrows on the panel as well as the audience. The music begins, and out comes some of the most painfully out-of-tune "singing" I've heard this side of 2009. The other two are barely singing at all, just moving their lips, as if scared that the leader will twat them if they don't make an effort. I get a massive amount of grim enjoyment at watching hubris take over as the "girlgroup" get three buzzes and Simon lays into the lead singer. She, unperturbed, retorts with "You wanna come up here and sing?" she spits, to a resounding round of boos. "You're grounded," Amanda says, trying to lift the mood, but Lil' Miss Confidence doesn't give in. "Bite me." Simon, getting bored of this farce, decides it's high time to put her in her place, "That sounded like three cats being dragged up the motorway". My face is in pain from laughing so much. Finally, someone in the group other than the Loudmouthed one speaks up. "You can be a bit rude sometimes," she says shakily. Simon accepts this, "You should swap places with Lippy", he says, before the Lippy in question prances off the stage, her minions trailing behind her miserably. Absolute class car-crash telly for evil!Emmabung. :)
We then get Claire and Canad, this wannabe Kate & Gin act who can't do any dog tricks, Jem Stride, a man who tried to play music through his hands but just produce a bunch of fart sounds and Zad van Veen, someone who set fire to their clothes. We really do have talent(!)
Next, Birmingham, and the low quality continues - we see the worst ventriloquist ever before a geezer with a Darth Vader costume comes on. He tells Ant & Dec that he's developed an act for the character, who he sees as the epitome of cool. Amanda humours him, but the crowd seem enthusiastic. His act begins with him waving a light sabre about as Simon rolls his eyes and then presses buzz. The guy hurriedly asks for Ant & Dec to change the track, and Billie Jean comes on, to which he dances a bit randomly to it. Simon is not impressed, "You're behaving like a child," is his verdict, and, on behalf of common sense he declares a no. Amanda, however, found it "weirdly enjoyable" and says yes, as does Piers. One can't help but feel they did it just to piss Simon off. Next, Tribute, a bunch of kids thinking they were a Queen tribute act. Uh... no, though again, it's a case of Amanda and Piers outweighing Simon. And a third time, as BlueJam, an ok-ish amateur group of 17-19 year old lads playing instruments. Again, Simon hates it, but Piers is a 100% yes, as is Amanda. Simon looks more pissed off than ever,
Speaking of Queen, Under Pressure bungs on, as 39-year-old saxophonist Julian Smith comes on. Simon's bad mood seems to be making him even harsher than usual and he looks none too impressed as Julian walks onto the stage. After introducing himself, he has to plug his sax into the amp, which only exacerbates Cowell's foul mood. He plays quite well to some cheesy muzak, but ends on a high. The performance moves Amanda to tears. Simon, for once, is impressed. "Some people have just got it," he says, cracking a smile at long last.
We then get a 43-year-old bus driver with her pet parrot. She lives alone, apparently. Shocker. Simon asks her if she had the parrot as an egg, and she replies, "I don't think so, sweetie." The sweetie bit evokes ooohs from the audience. Get her! Anyway, the backing music to Take on Me by Aha plays as she reads the lyrics off a piece of paper. She's come prepared. The idea is that her parrot Harry is to repeat her, but he's having none of that and just sits there instead. She repeats the lyrics, but by now the instrumental's at the chorus. Her weak voice, coupled with her own nerves, bring a lot of embarrassment and jeering from the audience. Finally, she decides to do damage limitation and just disappear. "I'm going now", she says. Probably best.
We then see some other shoddy Human and animal acts - Paws for Thought results in them setting fire to the stage, and there's also Snakey Sue, which was just nasty.
Then we get a true rarity - 48-year-old dad of two Peter Coglan from Stafford, a drag act. He's been doing it for 26 years. "Are you married?" Simon asks, barely able to conceal his incredulity. Anyway, Kiss Kiss by Holly Valance comes on the speakers, and... the white bathrobe that Coglan had been wearing comes off. And... he's dressed like Valance in her Kiss Kiss video, ie, bikini on, with his flab out for all to see. Srsly, my birthday cake almost came out the wrong orifice when that happened; I was this close to chundering. Simon Cowell quite rightly brands it "the lowest form of entertainment", but Amanda Holden and Piers Morgan once again, let the side down, saying the act was eccentric and they'd like to see more of it. Coglan is chuffed that he's gotten two yeses, saying that his two sons are very proud of him. Funny that, 'cos if he were my dad, I'd have left the UK long, long ago!
Back to Wales, and there's a dance act with some over-smiley girls. Simon gives a bizarre compliment to one of 'em - "one of the prettiest girls I've seen in my life." This pisses off her mates something awful, ha.
But then we come to the highlight of the night - 12-year-old Shaheen. We're told a bit about him, and as soon as the words "single mother" are said I start switching off, sob story alert. He tells the audience that he's going to sing Valerie by Amy Winehouse, and does OK, up until the point where SImon waves for the music to be cut. A hushed silence runs through. Simon asks him if sings anything else, and Shaheen, after a pause, says yes, Who's Lovin' You by Michael Jackson. And his rendition of the song is AMAZING, he hits the high note with precision and power and completely embodies the beauty and pure emotion of the song. It was astounding, and gets three deserved yeses. My only foible was the pseudo-heartbreaking piano music that accompanied his audition as well as a HSM song when he got through. Dodge.
Looking forward to next week! Perhaps I should enter as a Kanye West tribute act? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ewm4GMUQ4rU)
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
The Apprentice: Episode 4.
"They're here to compete for a job with a six figure salary," we're reminded as footage of the the 12 remaining contestants and the three sacked contestants going on escalators and walking across London with serious looks on their faces fill our screen. They meet up with Sir Alan in Kew Gardens to be briefed on this week's challenge, which is to design, market and sell a beauty/skincare product with a natural ingredient. The teams are shuffled about a bit - Debra, Jasmina and Paula bung over to Empire and Kim and Howard bung over to Ignite. The team leaders are appointed - Paula for Empire, and Noorul, who Sir Alan notes hasn't done much up 'til now - for Ignite.
Empire are extremely pleased with their team, noting that "there are a few weaklings on the other team", and stating that they have the best possible team. You kind of just know from there that hubris is going to bite them in the backside. They go down to Poole, Dorset, where there's a massive Lush complex for them do so some fancy fragrance work. Over at Ignite, meanwhile, Howard tells Philip (yum) that "You wear more make-up than most of the girls", to which the tall Geordie can only grin sheepishly.
The thinking process is a lot more speedy for the two teams this week than it was last, and methinks that's down to the challenge being quite a bit more exciting. Ignite decide to make bubble bath and soap, with their vital ingredient as honey, whereas Empire decide on the same products, but using seaweed instead. Both teams have to extract their natural ingredient, and various clumsy antics from the hapless bunch ensue.
Next comes to mixing of fragrances to make their product, and herein lies Empire's massive fault. Jasmina and Paula sniff at a range of smells and decide they like the smell of cedarwood, but put down sandalwood. The difference? Oh, about 5 times the cost. This mistake is exacerbated when the girls bung in far more than needed of sandalwood into their mixture, racking up fragrance costs of about 700 quid. "How much was spent?" is asked to Paula, and she says airily, "oh, about a fiver." When a watching Nick can't contain his disgust at the horrific expenditure any longer, he drops the bombshell to Empire. To which Jasmina says, "shit". Which is not far removed from what their mixture looks like too.
Anyway, the mistake was made and Empire know that the only thing they can do now is damage limitation, which they do fairly well - having had the soap poured out into moulds, packaged etc, they hit Portobello Market in Notting Hill where all the rah-Chelsea residents would be more than happy to pay £3 for a green block. Ben, meanwhile, is at Bond Street Station trying to make sales, to no avail - people just dodge him as they get off the escalator. Hee.
Ignite's products aren't selling quite as well - the honey bit in the centre of the glue bar looks horribly drippy and puts lots of people off buying it. The end of the day is approaching and sitting on a table in Camden Lock, Ignite still have over 120 products to haul, so they ask Noorul if they can flog them for a quid. Noorul is hesitant and tells them to wait for a bit, to which Philip gets angry and shouts at Noorul down the phone in an undecipherable Tyneside brogue. "What part of that didn't he understand?" he mutters darkly. I wonder, Philip.
Anyway, Noorul's delaying tactics go to nothing as, in the last hour Ignite are forced to sell their products at three for a pound, leading to them eventually getting sold out. I must say, Noorul made an absolutely clueless Project Manager; he looked utterly confused from start to finish, had terrible selling skills and couldn't get his team together at any point. His choice of location was also a bit dodge; Paula's team picked the better spot by far, so much so that her team were able to up the price toward the end because their product was selling so well. Furthermore, though I was initially wary of their murky green-looking thing, I must say I'd far much rather have that on my body that Noorul's team's product, which looks like bar of earwax mixed with piss.
Boardroom time, and Sir Alan asks Ignite whether or not Noorul was a good PM. "I enjoyed working with Noorul," they say evasively. Margaret, who had been watching their team, smirks cattily, knowing otherwise. Next, the same question to Empire regarding Paula. The girls give a positive (albeit tentatively so) response, but Ben wastes no time in complaining, and doing a lot of it. "I didn't want you to read off half the Magna Carta," Sir Alan says, waving him off.
Anyway, number crunching time. Ignite made a profit of £493.97, and Empire, though taking in over £1000 worth of revenue, end up making a loss due to their horrendous oversight on the costing of raw materials front. The devil is in the details! Nick, who had clearly noted their mistake from the start but decided to leave it up to them to fix it, takes a grim amount of glee in telling them that they would have won the task had they used cedarwood as was the plan.
Despite Noorul being a pretty duff team leader (Howard, for all his smugness, is right when he says this was the Team's win, not Noorul's), Ignite win the challenge and they are treated to a session of learning how to make sushi + sake. "Who's he gonna sack-e?" Philip asks goofily, to a resounding groan. He's fit though.
Meanwhile, Paula has decided to bring Jasmina and Ben into the boardroom with her, as she assigned them in charge of costings. Ben is not having any of it, "I did outstandingly on sales," he declares, before blaming Paula for sandalwoodgate. Jasmina, too, turns on Paula, which is wily move as it is really her error that cost them the win. But it pays off, because after some pondering, Sir Alan tells Jasmina she's staying, but that she'll have to be PM again. It's Paula who goes, and she seems genuinely upset about it.'Tis a shame actually, for I'd never seen much from Paula up until today and she seemed like an asset in many ways: creative, could motivate the team, positive thinker, etc. But, she couldn't do basic sums, and in the end, that cost her.
Back at the house, Mona is in tears to see that Paula has gone, and Jasmina retells how she turned on Paula with what seems like pride mixed with ponderence. But, that's The Apprentice for you; no time to make friends when you wanna win.
Empire are extremely pleased with their team, noting that "there are a few weaklings on the other team", and stating that they have the best possible team. You kind of just know from there that hubris is going to bite them in the backside. They go down to Poole, Dorset, where there's a massive Lush complex for them do so some fancy fragrance work. Over at Ignite, meanwhile, Howard tells Philip (yum) that "You wear more make-up than most of the girls", to which the tall Geordie can only grin sheepishly.
The thinking process is a lot more speedy for the two teams this week than it was last, and methinks that's down to the challenge being quite a bit more exciting. Ignite decide to make bubble bath and soap, with their vital ingredient as honey, whereas Empire decide on the same products, but using seaweed instead. Both teams have to extract their natural ingredient, and various clumsy antics from the hapless bunch ensue.
Next comes to mixing of fragrances to make their product, and herein lies Empire's massive fault. Jasmina and Paula sniff at a range of smells and decide they like the smell of cedarwood, but put down sandalwood. The difference? Oh, about 5 times the cost. This mistake is exacerbated when the girls bung in far more than needed of sandalwood into their mixture, racking up fragrance costs of about 700 quid. "How much was spent?" is asked to Paula, and she says airily, "oh, about a fiver." When a watching Nick can't contain his disgust at the horrific expenditure any longer, he drops the bombshell to Empire. To which Jasmina says, "shit". Which is not far removed from what their mixture looks like too.
Anyway, the mistake was made and Empire know that the only thing they can do now is damage limitation, which they do fairly well - having had the soap poured out into moulds, packaged etc, they hit Portobello Market in Notting Hill where all the rah-Chelsea residents would be more than happy to pay £3 for a green block. Ben, meanwhile, is at Bond Street Station trying to make sales, to no avail - people just dodge him as they get off the escalator. Hee.
Ignite's products aren't selling quite as well - the honey bit in the centre of the glue bar looks horribly drippy and puts lots of people off buying it. The end of the day is approaching and sitting on a table in Camden Lock, Ignite still have over 120 products to haul, so they ask Noorul if they can flog them for a quid. Noorul is hesitant and tells them to wait for a bit, to which Philip gets angry and shouts at Noorul down the phone in an undecipherable Tyneside brogue. "What part of that didn't he understand?" he mutters darkly. I wonder, Philip.
Anyway, Noorul's delaying tactics go to nothing as, in the last hour Ignite are forced to sell their products at three for a pound, leading to them eventually getting sold out. I must say, Noorul made an absolutely clueless Project Manager; he looked utterly confused from start to finish, had terrible selling skills and couldn't get his team together at any point. His choice of location was also a bit dodge; Paula's team picked the better spot by far, so much so that her team were able to up the price toward the end because their product was selling so well. Furthermore, though I was initially wary of their murky green-looking thing, I must say I'd far much rather have that on my body that Noorul's team's product, which looks like bar of earwax mixed with piss.
Boardroom time, and Sir Alan asks Ignite whether or not Noorul was a good PM. "I enjoyed working with Noorul," they say evasively. Margaret, who had been watching their team, smirks cattily, knowing otherwise. Next, the same question to Empire regarding Paula. The girls give a positive (albeit tentatively so) response, but Ben wastes no time in complaining, and doing a lot of it. "I didn't want you to read off half the Magna Carta," Sir Alan says, waving him off.
Anyway, number crunching time. Ignite made a profit of £493.97, and Empire, though taking in over £1000 worth of revenue, end up making a loss due to their horrendous oversight on the costing of raw materials front. The devil is in the details! Nick, who had clearly noted their mistake from the start but decided to leave it up to them to fix it, takes a grim amount of glee in telling them that they would have won the task had they used cedarwood as was the plan.
Despite Noorul being a pretty duff team leader (Howard, for all his smugness, is right when he says this was the Team's win, not Noorul's), Ignite win the challenge and they are treated to a session of learning how to make sushi + sake. "Who's he gonna sack-e?" Philip asks goofily, to a resounding groan. He's fit though.
Meanwhile, Paula has decided to bring Jasmina and Ben into the boardroom with her, as she assigned them in charge of costings. Ben is not having any of it, "I did outstandingly on sales," he declares, before blaming Paula for sandalwoodgate. Jasmina, too, turns on Paula, which is wily move as it is really her error that cost them the win. But it pays off, because after some pondering, Sir Alan tells Jasmina she's staying, but that she'll have to be PM again. It's Paula who goes, and she seems genuinely upset about it.'Tis a shame actually, for I'd never seen much from Paula up until today and she seemed like an asset in many ways: creative, could motivate the team, positive thinker, etc. But, she couldn't do basic sums, and in the end, that cost her.
Back at the house, Mona is in tears to see that Paula has gone, and Jasmina retells how she turned on Paula with what seems like pride mixed with ponderence. But, that's The Apprentice for you; no time to make friends when you wanna win.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Life lessons from cinema #1.
Clueless -
"Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex"
"Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex"
Sunday, April 12, 2009
I can show you the world.
Aladdin (Ron Clements & John Musker, 1992)
Utterly timeless and enthralling Disney animation about the poor but rich-hearted "street rat" Aladdin who has to steal foodbits in order to survive, and fall in love with Jasmine, the princess. When he's manipulated by evil advisor Jafar into going into a cave and get trapped there, he finds unexpected salvation in a magic lamp, in it containing a genie that can grant him three wishes.
Pick a frame, any frame from this film, and chances are, it's utterly gorgeous. Painted with rich, saturated desert coloured hues and voiced by a talented cast (especially Robin Williams as the genie, wherein he gets to play to his strengths and has an unashamed blast with his role), as well as some lovely musical numbers, Aladdin brought back lovely memories of my childhood and how I'd watch this film over and over again. A dream.
Twilight (Catherine Hardwicke, 2008)
When I was shopping in London with Anahit last Saturday, every time we came across one of those advertising moving-board things, the DVD for Twilight came up. Such a thing actually achieved its aim, for it made me wanna give Hardwicke's movie adaptation of Stephanie Meyer's novel a re-appraisal. So I did, although thankfully the advertisement hadn't brainwashed me into thinking I was watching a good film. Re-viewing it, this time with the brother, just accentuated many of the unintentionally parts I'd spotted in the first film; whether it be Robert Pattinson's drug-addict-like performance, to the less-than-overwhelming CGI effects (and overusage of such). Kristen Stewart actually gives an alright performance, albeit one that is a little heavy on the long pauses, but Pattinson is just so awful. The source material was horribly fanfic-ish, and Hardwicke's direction is not much different; both Meyer and Hardwicke both clearly wanna bung Edward Cullen and be Bella. Thus, Twilight results in being wish-fulfilment on the part of the writer and director more than anything. A load of bungdung.
Wedding Crashers (David Dobkin, 2005)
Forgettable but enjoyable romantic comedy starring Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn as a pair of womanizers who like to crash weddings and then bung the women they meet from them. Wilson and Vaughn have great chemistry, as do Wilson and Rachel McAdams, who plays a woman who makes Wilson want to get to know her, and not just like, her boobs. Her gorgeous smile and pretty face made me root for her throughout. Isla Fisher is also great fun as the clingy girl who lost her bunginity to Vaughn, and hence becomes crazily attached to him. Aside from the actors (Christopher Walken, as the dad of McAdams and Fisher, is also great), the film is pretty run-of-the-mill stuff, lacking in proper plot and geniune larf-out-loud humour, but, as they go, it wasn't too bad.
Låt den rätte komma in / Let the Right One In (Tomas Alfredson, 2008)
Kåre Hedebrant plays Oskar, a 12-year-old who's being bullied at school and is somewhat alienated from both his separated parents, who crosses paths with Lina Leandersson outside on the snowy jungle gym, and forms a slow and unsteady friendship with her, oblivious to the fact that she's a vampire.
Curious film, this. It was appropriately stagey and cinematic in equal measure, with austere backdrops and art direction and overwrought music, and the performances were on the whole strong, particularly Leandersson, who made a mesmerizing vampire with her large eyes and constant stare. But it suffered from not knowing what it wanted to be, whether that be a Swedish Dogme-style film about growing up and finding yourself, or an ouright slasher pic. The violence, when it came, were appropriately scary and shocking, but there was something not quite right about the way they were filmed, such that I wanted to larf. All in all, the positives outweigh the negatives of this film, but I was definitely left wanting.
Camp Rock (Matthew Diamond, 2008)
lawlz.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)