X Factor 2010, Live Show 1.

First The Apprentice, now this? I bloody love my reality TV shows don't I? Oh dear...

Anyway. This week, the theme is number 1s. The number one its can have reached no. 1 anywhere in the world, and can be from any era in music, leaving lots of space for interpretation.

Something that Cheryl Cole clearly did not leave open to interpretation, however, was her fake tan. She is looking mighty, mighty, mighty orange. It ain’t a good look.


My thoughts on all the performances, in the order that they performed:

1. F.Y.D. They covered Billionaire, which is a good choice to pick because it’s still fresh in most of the target audience’s minds, and the vocal range is not terribly strenuous. Even so, the band did not start well, and about 20% of the song was sung out of tune by the band. I liked the cheeky change of “Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen” to “Smiling next to Simon and the Queen”, though I do believe BGT had the idea first (when Diversity sent up Simon Cowell in their final performance). The second guy who sung was much better than the first and harmonization was ok. The dancing was very good and tidy, leading me to agree with Louis when he said that they were better dancers than they were singers. In the second verse of the song, they tried to jazz things up with more funky dance moves. Cheryl commented that she actually wanted to see MORE movement from them, though, as Girls Aloud’s best dancer (but not best singer), she’d obviously say that. 5/10.

2. Matt Cardle. Awww, gotta love an Essex lad. :) His being from the Essex countryside will inevitably draw comparisons to last year’s Olly Murs, but already I am liking him a lot more than Olly; Olly was a great performer, but Matt seems very shy and unsure, which adds to his appeal for me. He performed When Love Takes Over, and, whilst I feel that he needed to command the stage more (his performance had very little movement apart from awkward gesticulating with his hands), he was vocally very strong, bar one or two shakes. I think Matt sadly still has a small-stage mentality, which is a shame because his voice deserves to take him far. 8/10.

3. John. His performance was ok, run-of-the-mill stuff. 5/10.

4. Rebecca Ferguson. This Scouse soul sister had a real Anastasia-style quality to her voice, which perhaps wasn’t fully exhibited in her song choice (Teardrops by Womack & Womack), which was safely dubbed a bit of a “safe choice” by the judges. However, Simon told her that she had “enormous potential”, which I agree with, and that with the right song, she can put her voice to full use. She looked gorgeous as well, and has a genuinely humble quality that will easily win hearts. 7.5/10.

5. Storm. Oh dear. In the lengthy build-up that X-Factor wherein the contestants are allowed to draft somewhat of a sob story for themselves, Storm revealed that at 17, he sold all his things to pursue a career in music. Now, I don’t mean to sound cold, but, if he hasn’t been successful all this time, perhaps it’s time to call it a day? Throughout his performance, I was just thinking “mutton dressed as lamb”, and there was nothing in it that did anything for me. 2/10.

6. Belle Amie. Oh dear, again. One of my favourite songs of 2010 so far is B.o.B featuring Hayley William’s Airplanes, and this was the song they picked. And they completely butchered it. There was no team cohesion; they reminded me of Manchester City at the start when expensive players were just being shoved into the team; nothing about them gelled and the whole performance was very stilted. The rapping, dear god. Absolutely atrocious. I know, as someone who bastardized Kanye West’s Homecoming on YouTube (see below), I’m not really one to talk here, but you know you’ve got problems when a Chinese girl raps better than you. In short, it was a group of wanabes. Their lack of va-va-voom means they’ll be one of the first to be voted off, and quite frankly, I can’t wait to get shot of them. Awful. 0/10.


7. Cher. chavvy and sloppy 1/10


8. Diva Fever. Oh, they are FUN!! They were Simon’s wildcard, and in the build-up to their performance X-Factor showed them being told that they had made it after all. Conveniently, they’d both been with each other when told, which quells nothing about what the sexuality of this camp duo may be. But they’re camp and fun with it, and their performance even had a quick-change bit, which would have perhaps been more at home on Britain’s Got Talent, but was certainly engaging. In terms of the singing, I felt that the dude on the left dominated, barely letting his partner get a word in, and obviously vocally, it wasn’t the best. But they’re two cute, unassuming guys, and they deserve a decent run on the show. 6/10.

9. Paige Richardson. He sang Killing Me Softly, but I felt that what he was wearing (jogging bottoms, trainers) didn’t really fit with the song. Furthermore, he was singing about a woman rather than a man, and the way he substituted “her” into “his” into the lyrics jarred. Nonetheless, he sang quite well, and I agree with Simon that it was refreshing that there was “nothing surly about [him]” in being a wildcard pick – he’s back, and he just wants to make the most of it. 6.5/10

10. Katie Waissel. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I lol’d. I’m lol’ing so I don’t weep out of sheer despair that such a piece of shit performance got this far on X-Factor. Part Queen, part Lady Gaga, part rah North-West London ditzy drama queen, she was sporting the most ridiculous crown (it looked like something a 15 year old put together for their DT Resistant Materials) and stood uncomfortably in front of a keyboard, one which I’m not even totally convinced it was her playing. She sang We Are the Champions, which is hilariously ironic because with a shit voice like that, the only thing she’s going to be a champion of is shattering glass. Louis commented that “the song is too big for [her]”, but that’s an understatement; The Crazy Frog tune would be too big for her. Get this scum off our screens, please. 0/10.

11. Mary. Vocally, she was astounding. She absolutely belted out James Brown’s A Man’s a World with conviction and power, and what a voice she has. However—a) she was wearing a ridiculous costume and had a camel’s toe and b) I’m not sure if she’ll survive the later rounds when up against the younger lot, who have sex appeal in spades, something which she most certainly does not. Only time will tell. 6/10.

12. Nicolo Festa. Oh, jesus. It really, really, really riles me that there’s goons like this clogging up out TV screens. His performance of Lady Gaga’s Just Dance was one of the most smug, self-satisfied things I’ve ever witnessed (accentuated with the fact that he wore sunglasses through the performance), and he pranced about the stage like a prima donna, not really doing anything of worth. At the end, when questioned whether or not he was a diva, he acted all indignant and said he wasn’t, which was one of the finest pieces of acting I’ve seen in years. If the career in music doesn’t work out (as it won’t), he could always become a rentboy. That would make use of his “talents” a lot better. 0/10.

13. One Direction. One Direction? New Direction? Who gives a flying pig?? Their rendition of Viva La Vida rivalled Belle Amie’s cover of Airplanes as one of the worst group performances in the history of X-Factor. I genuinely belly-laughed when one of the boys forgot his words and one of his “mates” stepped in. That Malik lad is a bit of alright (I’m probably not allowed to say this as he’s 17 and I’m 20, tut tut), but aside from him, I see no reason to flog this dead horse. 1/10.


14. Wagner. He sang “She Bangs, She Bangs”, and he was fun and lively, but voice wise, not the best. Half-way through he modulated to Love Shack, which again, was great fun, but also again, didn’t really exhibit his vocal range. 4/10.

15. Aiden Grimshaw. Aiden sang “Mad World” by Tears for Fears, and such is the emotional depth of the song that it requires a certain amount of intensity, though Grimshaw’s attempts to act intense come off like he looks a bit constipated. Ha. His singing, however, was very very strong, so props for that. 7/10.

16. TreyC Cohen. Very good. Shouldn’t have to deal with “wildcard” status; she was a much more worthy contestant than fricking Katie. 7/10.

If we make it there, we can make it anywhere that's what they say.

In between watching copious amounts of football this Summer, the rest of my free time will be spent at the cinema, enjoying the luxury seats and watching the new releases. Here are my thoughts on the last two films I watched, and the cinemas I watched them in.

Streetdance 3D (Max Giwa& Dania Pasquini, 2010)
A group of inner-city youths in London, part of the dance troup Jay 2.0, are told at the start of the film that they have gotten to the streetdance finals, where if they win that, they will get to go to New York and a promising future of dance. However, immediately after this, the leader, Jay, announces he wants to take time out from dance, leaving his estranged girlfriend Carly in dhance. She is a skilled fancer but lacks the natural leadership Jay possesses, and her initial attempts at holding rehearsals go awry, especially when they lose their regular training space and can't find a suitable replacement. However, after a serendipitous encounter with eccentric ballet teacher Helena, who is impressed by Carly's vibrancy and liveliness, leads to an interesting proposal - she can train with her group in the ballet halls, if she can incooporate the ballerinas in the streetdance performance.



The mismatch between the snooty ballet performers and the earthy streetdancers is that of chalk and cheese, but that is one of the biggest charms about the film; the initial anomisity guraduates into acceptance before finally a fusion of ideas - it's like the Romeo and Juliet of dance, but with a happy ending.

The cast, needless to say, are not going to trouble the Oscar board any time soon, though they're not aided by a script that churns out a whole range of cliches that someone who's never set food in London might expect them to say. But lead Nichola Burley holds her own as the heroine well enough, and shines in all the dance montages. Charlotte Rampling has given plenty of performances 10 times the calibre of the one she gives here, but such is the strength of her acting that even in autopilot, she's nothing less than thoroughly watchable.

Of course, the reason performances and script matter so little in StreetDance 3D is due to the dancing, and oh, what dancing. Set to a killer soundtrack of familiar urban bands and artists (including "We Dance On" by N-Dubz, a song written specially for the film) and the dancing is beautiful, tidy, slick and very entertaining. Diversity, Flawless and George Sampson, all of Britain's Got Talent fame feature, and their acts are a treat. But it's the dancing from the spirited streetdance/ballet amalgamation that befounds the most. What seems like polar opposites and shouldn't go at all instead does, and so well. This is a film about dance, and the dancing makes this film. Thoroughly recommended.

I watched this film in Islington Vue, N1 with my brother Tom. The chairs were very comfy and we got great seats. The choice of trailers was a joy - watching Nike's Write The Future advert on the big-screen was as cinematic an experience as you could ask for and unlike other films I've watched in 3D, the 3Dness suited a film like StreetDance 3D. There's also a Sainsbury's and a Waitrose just outside the cinema, so me and Tom went to the former to stock up on cinema snacks at proper prices, rather than get bankrupt in the actual cinema.

Sex and the City 2 (Michael Patrick King, 2010)

When Alicia Keys' soulful vocals on Empire State of Mind played and diamonds sparkled over the credits, my spine tingled and I felt tears well up in my eyes. It was a strange moment, but considering SATC is my favourite TV programme and that I've watched every episode countless times, perhaps my emotional reaction was justified. And the film got off to an interesting start as Stamford Blatch and Anthony Marantino, Carrie's best gay friend and Charlotte's best gay friend respectively, got hitched. Their wedding ceremony is an appropriately lavish affair. But for all the diamonds, I couldn't help feeling that the natural sparkle of the show had gone, the banter wasn't half as witty and even the interaction between the four women - a bond I'd always believed to be truer than true - felt somewhat forced.

Indeed, the lack of sparkle, as commented on by Carrie, is pervading its want into her and Big's marriage. Choosing not to have kids, the two know they are on their own from there on in, and the fact that they are ordering takeout two nights in a row raises alarm bells in her mind.

As Carrie and Samantha in particular of the four frequently live the high life (they are celebrities in a sense, Carrie, a writer, and Sam, a famous PR), it's a little difficult to sympathise with Carrie's so-called plight, particularly, as she herself admits, she'd spent so long running around New York trying to get Big to love her, and now that he does and they are comfortably settled, she feels ennui towards the mundane. Charlotte's story in the film, that she is finding it hard to cope with motherhood but doesn't want to voice her displeasure, is more human and believable.

The majority of the film takes place not in the Big Apple but in the glittering Abu Dhabi, wherein the women are treated to an all-expenses paid holiday. The loose racism is hard to ignore, and to be honest, it jarred rather a lot. But there's fun to be had in British actor Raza Jaffrey's endearing turn as Carrie's humble yet dashing butler, and Samantha's refusal to conform to social customs - Middle East or no Middle East - is so very Samantha.

It was around the moment Big gives Carrie a nice black diamond ring as "punishment" for her kissing Aiden (oh yeah, he pops up) that I wondered just how low Michael Patrick King had sunk. What used to be such a groundbreaking show full of loveable characters growing up and learning from their mistakes now just seemed like an 150-minute long platform for them to make new mistakes in. Had this been any other film, any other four women, I'd happily be laying into it. But, my loyalty to the SATC franchise means I'm still going to give it a semi-decent review. By all means, there are laughs to be had in many of the one-liners (most of them uttered by Kim Catrall), and Miranda and Charlotte have a great scene where they drink cocktails and share maternal woes. As for the clothes and accessories, goddamn. Between Sam's obvious yet terrific YSL earrings and Carrie's beaded bhurka, my eyes were dazzled by the sheer opulence on parade. SATC2 might now have much to say about marriage, sex or the city, but the shoe most certainly still fits.



I watched this film in Vue West End, W1. The tickets were mighty expensive, but, as this area is the cinema central in London, that was expected. I shelled out a further five quid at the Ben and Jerry's stand next to the box office, for three measley scoops of ice cream. But I was hungry, and eating overrpriced Ben and Jerry's heighted my enjoyment of the film, so, there you go.

Words actually can't describe how much I adore this performance

Musically, it's not the best, but Bad Romance, Dance Wiv Me, Fight for This Love, Everybody in Love and I Dreamed a Dream are all songs that have five stars on my iTunes, and I love the personality of this lovely little group:



The Arrangement to win BGT!!

Brief Thoughts on the 8 acts in tonight's Britain's Got Talent.

I'm afraid I didn't jot down names so some of them are guestimates.



ThreeBees - I enjoyed their delightfully bright costumes, and thought some of the female dancers had bodies to die for. The mashup of music was fun too. As for the dancing, I was left wanting. There are just too many other more talented dance acts in it this year for them to stand out, plus I always assess the level of talent with the could I? test - asking if I could see myself (having done due practice of course) giving that performance. Sadly for Treebees, I just about could.

Olivia Archbald - I get kinda bitchy towards kids who sing, but I enjoyed her audition, chiefly due to the fact that she sang a Sarah McLachlan song. The song she picked tonight, though - Kate Winslet's What If, didn't suit her tone of voice, nor the acoustics of the BGT hall.

Kevin Cruise - not a fan at all I'm afraid. Downright tacky.

Stevie Starr - on one hand, I could barely watch as this guy swallowed a lightbulb and coughed it back up, then proceeded to swallow Amanda's engagement ring, then swallow a locked lock, unlock it with his intestines and lock her ring into it. But on the other, holy cow. By all intents and purposes, this was something different. And, for the wow factor and the fact that he surely is one of a kind, I hope he goes through later.

Tobias Mead - good, I enjoyed what he did with the floating ball, but his audition impressed me more. Piers seemed to love it, which surprised me as he wasn't keen on him in the auditions when I actually found his act a lot more innovative.

Sean Shaheen- I'm a big wimp, so, as with Stevie Starr, I could barely watch. But, unlike with Stevie Starr, I was not interested at any point either in the wellbeing of the guy cutting wood and wearing a ridiculous  anglo-saxon outfit.

Josh Barry - ohgod, this was beyond lame. Bieber Mark II, from the swagger to the poor singing. The backing dancers held far more interest throughout, truth be told. Amanda was all over this boy so I really hope it doesn't come to the judges decision tonight because I just know she'll put him through when it's totally undeserved.

Spelbound - Astounding doesn't even begin to cover it. Each and every gymnast on stage got their every move in perfect time, and wow, there was so much excellence all over the stage!! You could tell a lot of time and practice had gone into this. They would make worthy winners of the whole tournament.

And that's that. More tomorrow. I miss football.

Last night’s Britain’s Got Talent.

Oh, how I love the BGT. The over-usage of Requiem for a Dream music. The crazy acts. Simon’s bitchy comments. As entertainment, it is second to none.

We start with auditions in Manchester, where the first act, a Christine from Leeds dubs herself a “triple threat” – she intends on dancing, singing and playing an instrument. However, we soon see that she is using all three of those terms in the loosest possible sense when the music to Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean comes on, and she a) moonwalks terribly, b) sings out of tune and out of time and c) merely shakes some castanets about. The fact that her ill-fitting sequined leggings and jacket make her resemble a Christmas bauble simply adds to the sheer incredulity of her performance. She’d said that she wanted to take over the world in five years, but on that performance, the only way she’ll achieve that is by blinding us all with her dodgy attire. The audience are unrelenting, shouting “Off! Off! Off!” and even Piers Morgan has it in him to make a joke, “I haven’t seen moon-walking that slow since Neil Armstrong.”

The dubious amalgamations of two performances in one continue with Sinead, who claims she can play the guitar whilst jumping on a pogo stick. As with the previous act, though, in trying to be groundbreaking and mixing two acts, she doesn’t get either one right. Then we get a 39-year-old man who says he’ll “body build” whilst singing, but his bodybuilding consists of lifting two puny little weights. Lame. Lastly, a woman named Tina tries to fuse fire and singing. In an embarrassing attempt to sex her act up, she removes her robe to remove nothing but her tatties underneath. Whilst is succeeds – Piers and Simon gives their yeses – I think it’s mortifying and that women should act their age.

The next act is both sickening (literally) and beguiling. A man has five coins laid out in front of him, and he swallows each one. After the first one’s been swallowed, we can actually hear the sound of the next coin hitting it, which proves to be an extremely disturbing sound. He then proceeds to chunder up four of the five coins, much to the shock of everyone. The icing on the cake, if you will, is when he swallows a billiard ball (yes, a billiard ball!), in order to get the final coin to come back up. It’s one of the most dangerous things I’ve ever seen and I still don’t know how he did it, but as I have no intentions of trying it myself, I’m happy not knowing. Such acts are extremely polarizing, but this one was just so crazy (plus, unlike the previous acts, he actually did it well), so the judges send him through. The Britain’s Got Talent sob story factor comes out when the dude explains how he came to swallowing coins – growing up in a children’s home, he did it to stop other kids from stealing his money. Whilst I’m usually quite wary of these types of stories, the idea of a child going to the extent of swallowing scabby coins just to save a bit of money does genuinely make me sad.

We leave Manchester and go to the London auditions. First up are Melissa & Laika. Melissa is the proud owner of Laika, who she claims is a guitar-playing dog. Only, it doesn’t quite end up like that. Melissa plays the guitar and sings. The dog, wearing a ridiculous hair band, just lounges on the stage. When asked why the dog isn’t playing, Melissa lamely tries to get the dog to strum the guitar. One crappy strum =/= playing the guitar.

The terrible attempts to try and get animals into acts continues. We get a pig that supposedly does tricks, but he runs off the stage as soon as the act begins. It’s pretty farcical, truth be told, especially how the pig so clearly scares Dec. Then there’s snail racing, which needless to say, is not the most titillating thing I’ve seen in my life. The acts have pictures stuck on them, and hilariously, the Ant and Dec snails seem to be mating. Next up is a girl, Louise Sinclair, and her horse. “Is it a boy or a girl?” Simon asks, before he checks for himself. Anyway, Louise’s act is to do gymnastics on her horse. Animal cruelty if you ask me. It’s boring and tepid and lacks any flavour, and naturally, she gets nos. Not the most talented bunch of animals by any stretch of the imagination.

Thankfully, the next act actually is a bit different. They are The Arrangement, a group of Sixth Form students. I’ll admit, when I first saw them, I didn’t think they were up to much. But they soon prove me wrong, with their classical renditions of Black Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling” then “Low” then Beyonce’s “If I Were a Boy”, which is not fashionable, but kinda works.



The best bit is at the end when it goes to Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” because it’s the only time the orchestra show a bit of a life. The centrepiece of the performance is definitely the lad with the microphone, who I think is incredibly brave, and, whilst not the best singer in the world, has enough public school swagger and energy to carry it off. All three of the judges give their yeses, much to the delight of the audience. I really really enjoyed it, and can’t wait to see what The Arrangement do for next time. If they pick four totally new songs and the orchestra come to life a bit more, I could really love it. However, if they use the same four songs, then I’ll be quite bored.

Someone who’s got Lady Gaga’s style down with the platinum wig and extravagant clothing rather excites things, because the audience think it might actually be Lady Gaga. It turns out to be a man. And their performance is atrocious – just crappy parading about the stage, and the part where he tries to sing the part in French from “Bad Romance” brought to me another song title “Can’t Speak French”. “If we’ve got Lady Gaga, why do we need you?” demands Simon. Not for the first time, Piers, Amanda and the audience love the act, and Simon hates it. I’m with Simon. I love Lady Gaga, and watching a weird guy bastardise her isn’t my idea of talent.

As is the way with the show, there are equal amounts of sweet and sour, and the gymnasts who perform next are definitely sweet. Their act has epic classical music, and it takes a while to get started, but when it does, it spellbinds. Cartwheels. Lifting people up. Balancing. All synchronised. It’s very impressive. The precision and control is second to none. There’s a bit where the girls all do a synchronised backwards flip and no-one puts a foot out of place. Spinning, throwing, body turns. The linking between different sections in the act is fluid too. Best part – when a girl is used as a skipping rope and a lad jumps over her. SO good, you wouldn’t believe kids did that. I think I'm more impressed by acts if I've attempted the things they do so I know how hard it is, and, I was always terrible at gym, so to see them succeed so much spellbinds me. It gets 3 well-deserved yeses. To sum up Ant & Dec, “wow.”

To end on a high, we go back to Manchester auditions, wherein there is a Mr Christopher Stone, an accountant. In his introduction, WALL-E music is played. I recognise it, yeah? Anyway, he sings, and he has a beautiful baritone voice. What he also has, and is picked up by Simon, is a lack of conviction. “You’ve got to have a slight swagger” Simon notes, which makes me happy obviously, as swagger is one of my favourite words. Nonetheless, he gets three deserved yeses, and that is BGT for another week.

My thoughts on last night’s Britain’s Got Talent.

I do love my Britain’s Got Talent. It’s just so entertaining – mostly for the wrong reasons, but entertaining nonetheless. Yesterday, it hit our TV screens again.
We start, as we usually do, with the London auditions, and almost immediately we are reminded of how farcically deluded some of the acts are. Double Take, two frumpy looking middle-aged women, bring the hilarity. They play an instrument that looks awfully like a tambourine to me, but when Simon calls it that, they got arsey. “It’s a timbrel” one of the women says haughtily. Whatever it is, their act has no artistic merit and they are rightfully given their marching orders. The embarrassing acts continue with Cheeky Boys, a group of old men in dressing gowns, socks and nothing else. They take off their dressing gowns and have nothing but balloons to cover their members. “I think those balloons are a bit big,” Piers observes wryly.

Amanda Holden’s botox agent does a pretty good job, because she does look nice. The next act is a woman with sock puppet penguin. Very lame. Speaking of lame, Kevin Cruise epitomizes “Oh dear”. He works as a cruise guide, and he tries to sing a medley of songs, but it doesn’t go beyond half-baked karaoke act. He’s exuberant, no question, but so, so bad. The audience loves it but there’s just no talent involved. When the medley hits “Boom boom pow”, he sings his own rendition “Put the bread in the toaster” AHAHAHAHA. The medley ends with “I’m Telling You”, which is rather ominous, “You’re Going to Love me”. I’m not so sure. Anyway, Amanda loves him, Simon absolutely loathes him, and has no qualms to say it flat out, “Unquestionably no”, which he gets booed for, but I totally agree with. Piers has the deciding vote, and he picks yes. So we’ll be seeing more from Kevin Cruise. Oh dear.

Thankfully, some of Britain does actually have talent. Josh, a young dancer is a bit good.
His mum is proud and he seems like he knows how good he is, but as Piers observes, “Cocky little devil, but you can carry it off”. He’s cute and cheeky, and it’ll be interesting to see how far he goes in the competition. Another successful dance act are the Ruby Girls, who are very leggy and sport mink coats. Thankfully, for them, it’s not all about sex appeal as they exhibit some dancing talent with a well-synchronised routine that shows off their great bodies. Simon, Amanda and Piers are all fans, and Ant and Dec don’t mind it either, leery men.

Next up Tobias Mead, who seems like a bit of a dude. He tells us that his parents wanted him to be a footballer, but he wanted to be a dancer. When asked if he’s attached, he says happily, “I have the most amazing girlfriend in the world” which I just think is so refreshing and sweet. Onto his performance, it is… spellbinding. On one hand, it’s nothing new, with popping and locking and wobbly legs, but then he puts his hood up and we see he is wearing his hoodie on back to front. On the front, he has a creepy mask and starts dancing backwards. The whole thing looks so bizarre, a bit of a disturbing dance act as well, but I loved it. The audience go wild and Amanda is hugely taken with him, “It looks like your body was made of liquid”. Piers likes it but isn’t overly blown away, for which Amanda reprimands him. Nonetheless, he gets three yeses and will almost certainly feature again.

Now we go to the Birmingham audition. Simon is ill. Everyone is ecstatic.His replacement = Louis Walsh. Hahahah, I wanted Cheryl! The auditions in the midlands don’t start too well, with Dave Lavelle, a stand-up who is not funny at all. The cruddiness continues with Pipes and Drums, who sound like shit. Then we’re “treated” to a reading of poem with The swan in the background which would send even the biggest insomniac to sleep, and I begin to wonder if there is any talent in Birmingham at all. Thankfully, next up is 10-year-old Chloe Hickinbottom. They way they build her act up, you know she’s either going to be really good, or really bad. When asked what she’d do with her prize money, she reveals she wants to spend her prize money on clothes from Primark. High aspirations then. Her song choice is rather unusual - Vera Lynn, but I found Amanda’s reaction to her choice of artist rather patronising. Anyway, true to their word, Chloe is amazing. As Louis says, she has a “Beautifully old fashioned, powerful voice” and what’s more, every line is in tune. Good act.

One performance from yesterday which I didn’t understand much of the love for was the Dancing dog. It’s ok, fairly cute, but I think Kate and Gin will always be my favourite owner and dog act, and anything that follows is somewhat passé. Amanda and Louis actually stand up to commend it, which I really don’t understand. Next is an Irish dancer. He’s an oldie but a sweetie and resembles Louis Walsh an awful lot.

After a brief stint as judge, Simon’s back. Cue dramatic music. They introduce him banterfully, in the style of an audition, for which Piers and Louis press their buzzers. I find this whole cheesy stint hugely entertaining. What entertained me less was the next act: A burper. Gross, and no talent involved whatsoever.

It’s second time round for Kieran Gaffney, who almost made it last year with his drumming. He’s come back with his parents to form a group “Mixed Emotions.” Simon bluntly says it’s “utterly atrocious”, but he’s right, because the mum and the dad have no talent whatsoever. Also, his mother looks like a complete whore in her outfit. The audience cheer to let Kieran audition by himself again and there is dramatic “Hometown Glory” piano chords in the background as Simon asks them if they’ll let Kieran audition by himself, to which Kieran happily says yes. Thank God, he was good but the parents were crud. His act without his performance is as good as the act with them was bad. His drumming bit on the snare is really good, plus there’s a good mixture of timbres
If what he says is true and he has just made it up in the short space of time, I thought he did rather wonderfully. They let him go through.

So that was that for this week’s Britain’s Got Talent. Nothing hugely mind-blowing, but some very talented acts nonetheless. I can’t wait for next week!

Britain's Got Talent, Episode 3

I know, I know, it came on on Satuday, so I'm four days late. But this was the episode with the man with knives, so I couldn't not watch, now could I?

We begin in London, where 49-year-old Clare Morton comes on stage and says simply, "I'm here to sing a song." The backing track to Fame comes on and she begins "dancing" around the stage in a ridiculously bad fashion. Once she's due to start singing, things get even worse - she reads the first few lines off a piece of paper and not any of the lyrics are on tune. Needless to say, it's a no. Next is Lee the Trolley pusher, who thinks he can make an interesting act of trolleys. He doesn't. Then we have a girl on the German wheel. Piers buzzes, not overly impressed with her, but Simon challenges him, "I'll pay you £1000 to get into that wheel", which he does, but doesn't do anything. Piers Morgan bottles it, but then again so does Simon from giving him money, saying the idea was that Piers only got money if he spun.

We then go to Manchester, where last year's winner, George Samson, was found. "Actress, dancer and model" (bit kind an introduction, that) Kelly Brook joins the threesome of judges. After a poor start with four girls unsuccessfully trying to integrate baton twirling and jazz saxophone, we meet 10-year-old Holly. Kitted out in a pink tutu and looking very much like yer stereotypical wannabe-ballerina, she says "I'd love to dance in front of the queen because I've never met her before." When she started dancing, I wasn't bowled over, and, just as a bored Simon Cowell was about to press his buzzer, Holly opens her mouth and an amazing voice comes out, singing "I Could Have Danced All Night" from My Fair Lady. Amanda Holden mouths the words along, enraptured, and it's a resounding yes from all involved, including the audience. We then see a short montage of some of the other successful acts, ones I would have liked to have watched in more detail.

Next, we're introduced to DJ Talent, a bloke who works for an engineering company during the day, and shadows as a DJ during the night. His rapping/DJ-ing is... amateurish, to say the least, and I couldn't help but feel sorry for him, which is probably why he gets a yes; it couldn't be for his rhyming skills - rapping "Talent" with "Talent" is cheating.

After that is probably the most terrifying thing I've seen on pre-watershed TV (aside, perhaps, from Hilary Duff's attempts to act) - a man that balances himself on two knives and inserts a third one into his throat. OMG. It was terribly tense watching, especially as his arms were shaking and one just didn't feel entirely safe for him. When his body falls down into the knife, Piers chooses this exact moment to press his buzzer, which evokes screams from Amanda, and one wonders if he's injured himself. As a matter of fact, he's fine, but his act really isn't, and he's told to go on.

We move to a lighter note - The Synth Sisters, five 12-13 year old girls who've barely passed grade 1 piano and are trying to make an act out of their "skills." The keyboard playing was turd and their "synchronized" arm movements made it even more lol-tacular. Continuing with the unintended hilarity, is an ex-forklift driver, wannabe drag act. He claims he wants to show the world that he isn't like other drag acts that just mime the words, which is all very well, but his singing is atrocious. So, so bad, that he starts getting booed, and Simon Cowell comments, "Drag acts are supposed to look and sound like women, and you were neither." Piers and Kelly were entertained by the naffness and give him two yeses, but Amanda and Simon are having none of it.

Does anyone know why Kelly Brook was even introduced in the first place? I mean yeah, she did look very pretty, I'll give her that, but in having her on, the acts needed three yeses, so they needed a 75% success rate to get through as opposed to 66.666666666667%, which seems a bit o' a disadvantage to me.

Anyway, we go back to London for the last noteorthy act, which is Diversity from Essex. In them are three or four sets of brothers, as well as four lads that aren't related. As their name suggests, it's an ecclectic crew - University students, IT technicians, Secondary School kids, etc, but they are all uniformed by their love of dance. The music starts with a extract from Martin Luther King's I have a Dream speech, and the dance starts. And... WOW. It's awesome, a fusion of every type of dance out there - street, hip hop, rhythm, and everyone is so together and co-ordinates. It's better than the dances in Step Up 2, and that's saying something! Utterly, utterly transcendent, with even a slow bit parodying the Chariots of Fire scene. And thus, we are ended on a high for another episode of Britain's Got Talent.

Britain's Got Talent, Episode 2.

I should/would have blogged about last week's episode, but I missed the start of it, so for me, Britain's Got Talent starts todaybung.

Continuing with their pursuit of talent across the UK, Simon, Amanda and Piers hit Cardiff, where the first act doesn't fail to make an impact. They are The Sing Souls, three 16-17 girls, led by an unbearably arrogant little madam who believes that her trio are easily better than Sugababes and Pussycat Dolls. So, they come on-stage, wherein he leader smugly tells Simon that they could "easily outsell them [The Spice Girls]", which raises eyebrows on the panel as well as the audience. The music begins, and out comes some of the most painfully out-of-tune "singing" I've heard this side of 2009. The other two are barely singing at all, just moving their lips, as if scared that the leader will twat them if they don't make an effort. I get a massive amount of grim enjoyment at watching hubris take over as the "girlgroup" get three buzzes and Simon lays into the lead singer. She, unperturbed, retorts with "You wanna come up here and sing?" she spits, to a resounding round of boos. "You're grounded," Amanda says, trying to lift the mood, but Lil' Miss Confidence doesn't give in. "Bite me." Simon, getting bored of this farce, decides it's high time to put her in her place, "That sounded like three cats being dragged up the motorway". My face is in pain from laughing so much. Finally, someone in the group other than the Loudmouthed one speaks up. "You can be a bit rude sometimes," she says shakily. Simon accepts this, "You should swap places with Lippy", he says, before the Lippy in question prances off the stage, her minions trailing behind her miserably. Absolute class car-crash telly for evil!Emmabung. :)

We then get Claire and Canad, this wannabe Kate & Gin act who can't do any dog tricks, Jem Stride, a man who tried to play music through his hands but just produce a bunch of fart sounds and Zad van Veen, someone who set fire to their clothes. We really do have talent(!)

Next, Birmingham, and the low quality continues - we see the worst ventriloquist ever before a geezer with a Darth Vader costume comes on. He tells Ant & Dec that he's developed an act for the character, who he sees as the epitome of cool. Amanda humours him, but the crowd seem enthusiastic. His act begins with him waving a light sabre about as Simon rolls his eyes and then presses buzz. The guy hurriedly asks for Ant & Dec to change the track, and Billie Jean comes on, to which he dances a bit randomly to it. Simon is not impressed, "You're behaving like a child," is his verdict, and, on behalf of common sense he declares a no. Amanda, however, found it "weirdly enjoyable" and says yes, as does Piers. One can't help but feel they did it just to piss Simon off. Next, Tribute, a bunch of kids thinking they were a Queen tribute act. Uh... no, though again, it's a case of Amanda and Piers outweighing Simon. And a third time, as BlueJam, an ok-ish amateur group of 17-19 year old lads playing instruments. Again, Simon hates it, but Piers is a 100% yes, as is Amanda. Simon looks more pissed off than ever,

Speaking of Queen, Under Pressure bungs on, as 39-year-old saxophonist Julian Smith comes on. Simon's bad mood seems to be making him even harsher than usual and he looks none too impressed as Julian walks onto the stage. After introducing himself, he has to plug his sax into the amp, which only exacerbates Cowell's foul mood. He plays quite well to some cheesy muzak, but ends on a high. The performance moves Amanda to tears. Simon, for once, is impressed. "Some people have just got it," he says, cracking a smile at long last.

We then get a 43-year-old bus driver with her pet parrot. She lives alone, apparently. Shocker. Simon asks her if she had the parrot as an egg, and she replies, "I don't think so, sweetie." The sweetie bit evokes ooohs from the audience. Get her! Anyway, the backing music to Take on Me by Aha plays as she reads the lyrics off a piece of paper. She's come prepared. The idea is that her parrot Harry is to repeat her, but he's having none of that and just sits there instead. She repeats the lyrics, but by now the instrumental's at the chorus. Her weak voice, coupled with her own nerves, bring a lot of embarrassment and jeering from the audience. Finally, she decides to do damage limitation and just disappear. "I'm going now", she says. Probably best.

We then see some other shoddy Human and animal acts - Paws for Thought results in them setting fire to the stage, and there's also Snakey Sue, which was just nasty.

Then we get a true rarity - 48-year-old dad of two Peter Coglan from Stafford, a drag act. He's been doing it for 26 years. "Are you married?" Simon asks, barely able to conceal his incredulity. Anyway, Kiss Kiss by Holly Valance comes on the speakers, and... the white bathrobe that Coglan had been wearing comes off. And... he's dressed like Valance in her Kiss Kiss video, ie, bikini on, with his flab out for all to see. Srsly, my birthday cake almost came out the wrong orifice when that happened; I was this close to chundering. Simon Cowell quite rightly brands it "the lowest form of entertainment", but Amanda Holden and Piers Morgan once again, let the side down, saying the act was eccentric and they'd like to see more of it. Coglan is chuffed that he's gotten two yeses, saying that his two sons are very proud of him. Funny that, 'cos if he were my dad, I'd have left the UK long, long ago!

Back to Wales, and there's a dance act with some over-smiley girls. Simon gives a bizarre compliment to one of 'em - "one of the prettiest girls I've seen in my life." This pisses off her mates something awful, ha.

But then we come to the highlight of the night - 12-year-old Shaheen. We're told a bit about him, and as soon as the words "single mother" are said I start switching off, sob story alert. He tells the audience that he's going to sing Valerie by Amy Winehouse, and does OK, up until the point where SImon waves for the music to be cut. A hushed silence runs through. Simon asks him if sings anything else, and Shaheen, after a pause, says yes, Who's Lovin' You by Michael Jackson. And his rendition of the song is AMAZING, he hits the high note with precision and power and completely embodies the beauty and pure emotion of the song. It was astounding, and gets three deserved yeses. My only foible was the pseudo-heartbreaking piano music that accompanied his audition as well as a HSM song when he got through. Dodge.

Looking forward to next week! Perhaps I should enter as a Kanye West tribute act? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ewm4GMUQ4rU)

Requiem for a Dream meets My Neighbour Totoro.

My friend introduced me to this genius video and I had to share... basically, it's taken clips from My Neighbour Totoro and set it to the music of "Requiem for a Tower" (which, for those who haven't seen RFAD may recognise as the music they played in Britain's Got Talent whilst a contestant was delivering a sob story), and the music is used to dramatic effect to tell a completely different story using the images. Amazing.

Some of you have seen this already....

But it was so gorgeous that I just feel the need to share it with the world:

Done by my wonderfully talented mate Hannah.

Aww.

Songs that I’m currently listening to the most.

Not my favourite songs, but just songs that I’ve been listening to more than any other so far this Summer.



- Born to Be Wild (Steppenwolf)
- Come So Far (Hairspray soundtrack)
- Dance of the Knights (Sergei Prokofiev)
- Defying Gravity (Wicked soundtrack)
- Don’t Get Caught (The Zutons)
- Everybody’s Changing (Keane)
- Fascination (Alphabeat)
- Georges Street/The Tartar Frigate (Rodrigo y Gabriela)
- Gunpowder & Lead (Melissa Lambert)
- Hell Around the Corner (Tricky)
- Homecoming (Kanye West ft. Chris Martin)
- Seasons of Love (Rent soundtrack)
- Shipbuilding (Elvis Costello & The Attractions)
- Singing in the Rain remix (Mint Royale ft Gene Kelly)
- Spiegel im Spiegel (Arvo Pärt)
- Superstar (Jesus Christ Superstar soundtrack)

There’s quite a strong musical influence in here, and that’s mainly thanks to the BBC show I'll Do Anything, where the women competing for the part of Nancy performed a different song every week, many from musicals. I’ve never been to the musical of Wicked nor seen Jesus Christ Superstar, but I really want to now, and Defying Gravity and Jesus Christ Superstar were both songs that were performed on the show that piqued my interest in the song.

Singing in the Rain is on there for the “Britain’s got Talent” factor, and also because, like Umbrella, it’s a Summer number. 1 even though it’s about rain, which I always find funny. In the same way, Dance of the Knights is on there for the “The Appentice” factor.

Come So Far was played at my school’s leaver’s assembly, and I’ve loved it ever since. Like Hairspray, it’s jolly, entertaining and top-tapping good fun.

Spiegel im Spiegel is Daniel Radcliffe’s favourite piece of classical music, but we won’t hold that against it because the slow violin and piano accompaniment is so relaxing, it must help the soul just to listen to it.

Out of all of these, Georges Street/The Tartar Frigate is probably my favourite piece. It’s one of the best pieces of guitar playing I’ve ever heard, with a hyperactive gypsy violin thrown in for good measure. Wonderful.

And out of these, the song that I’m most obsessed with is Homecoming by Kanye West. This songs makes me nostalgic, and I don’t even know what for. Homecoming is so catchy and no matter what I always sing along; pure poetry. Probably my favourite Kanye West song.