Monday, February 22, 2010

If Peter Crouch were a 2009 film character.

I haven’t waxed lyrical about Crouchie as much as I usually do recently, so I think it’s time to rectify that, whilst talking about the only thing I love more than Peter Crouch: movies. I've done this once before, with the whole range of film characters of all-time.  Also, my cinephile buddy Luke commented in my last entry with the three naughtiest words ever: “football is crap”, so it seems only right to rub his face into a bit more football.

15% Brad Pitt as Lt. Aldo Raine in Inglourious Basterds – like Pitt’s character, Crouchie is a bit of a hillbilly (ironic, given that in his autobiography, he calls other people hillbillies). He’s ineloquent to that max and, like my knitting, is as simple as sand. Rather like Inglourious Basterds itself, Crouch is an exception. Inglourious Basterds is an exception because it’s a film I adore even though I’m not keen on Tarantino, and Crouchie is an exception because two of his teams he’s played for (Liverpool and Spurs), I don’t like at all, but he is just complete and utter love. So there’s your positivity.


15% Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach in Watchmen – ahh, I have good memories of Watchmen, I saw it with Kayleigh and she explained the plot to me every step of the way! Anyway, Rorschach wad viciously abused as a kid, as was my Crouchiebung. Both things make me sad.

20% Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Tom Hansen in (500) Days of Summer – I saw (500) Days of Summer with one of my best friends, Hannah, at a relatively local cinema (our most local cinema, in our crummy hometown in the outskirts of London, didn’t want to show good movies), and I left the cinema in such a high. It was most probably all the strawberry bonbons I’d consumed, but Joseph Gordon-Levitt was really adorable in the lead; and, like Crouch, a bit of a fool in love (JGL for Zooey Deschnel and Crouchie for his hoodrat of a wag). Sigh, why can’t there be more guys like Tom in real life?

10% Anika Noni Rose as Tiana in The Princess and the Frog – like Tiana, Crouchie has one dream, and perseveres at it no matter what other people say. Tiana really wanted to own her own restaurant, but naysayers just ridiculed her. The same happened to Crouch when he wanted to play football. But both people persevered, and look where they now are.

10% Isla Fisher as Becky Bloomwood in Confessions of a Shopaholic – both characters have their moments of epic fail (Becky thinking a fiscal crisis was to do with fishes and Crouchie pretty much whenever he’s in front of goal and misses), and, whilst we cringe at their embarrassing faux pas, it kind of contributes to their appeal.

20% Jude Law as Doctor Watson in Sherlock Holmes – “but Jude Law’s actually good-looking!” I hear you say. Well, if you did indeed say that, you can jog, because Crouchie’s bungable, so there! :P But superficial reasons aside, you’ve got the somewhat tenuous link that Jude Law is a Tottenham fan and peter Crouch currently plays for Tottenham (tenuous because most British movie stars support a football team or another; James McAvoy loves Celtic, Keira Knightley loves watching West Ham from the comfort of her local pub and Dominic Monaghan actually had Manchester United as his twitter background, shudder). But more pertinently, Doctor Watson, whilst a genius in his own right, spent most of his life watching out for Sherlock Holmes. Crouchie is an incredible footballer but is forever overshadowed, whether that be by Fernando Torres, Shrek Rooney, or Jermain Defoe. It’s no biggie, I’m not complaining, but, I’m just saying that perhaps, like Doctor Watson, they should embrace their own skills a bit more in the future.

10% Max Records as Max in Where the Wild Things Are – spends most of their time running around wildly, not really knowing what the hell they’re doing.

I know this was different from the generic film reviews/lists/picspam of Melanie Laurent snogging Cheryl Cole that I usually bung on this blog, but different deserves a chance. I mean, Antichrist had genital mutilation and I still gave that a chance, so you should totes give this one too. :P


Harry W said...

I wouldn't say bitching about Charlotte Gainsbourg cutting her clitoris was really giving a film a chance, but okay.

Also, Aldo Raine was a Jew and Crouch plays for Spurs. So there's your North London Jewish banter. :p

Harry W said...

I agree, by the way, football is crap.

Emma said...

lolz, was that supposed to be an impression of me?

Antichrist is like the shittest thing ever.

Luke said...

Oh my God, stop using such dodgy photos of me!

At least I look... happy in that one?

But change your FB picture. I look like a gimp.

Emma said...

I'll change the one on here to a truly flattering one of you, babe.

anahita said...

wow, new low :P

kidddiing, but seriously, this is an unprecedented level of obsession. still, it has a picture of jgl (can I have him please? FOREVER? :P) which makes it a good post :D xx

Emma said...

Oooh, if photos of JGL a good entry maketh, I shall bung lotsa pictures of him in my upcoming entries. :)

anahita said...

oh good girl

Besty said...

Ha, one of my sisters is a Spuds fan and the other supports ManUre and they always argue over Defoe vs Rooney for England. Neither is deluded enough to think Crouch would ever be anything more than Plan B, though. :p

Cheryl dumped Assley! Today is a good day.

Emma said...


Besty said...

... And he scores another.

I don't know what you're so worried about, the title's Chelsea's. It's who finishes 2nd/3rd and 4th, they're the exciting battles.

Emma said...

Hmm, I like to worry though, you should know that by now. :P

That's what one of my Gooner Uni mates said! He said he'd be happy with 2nd because it's been a long time since Arsenal finished above Man Utd.

I think City will get 4th.

Anonymous said...

What a great resource!

Stewie said...

Still on the Abbey Clancy warpath then I see Bung?

Anonymous said...

nice post. thanks.

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