A strong frontrunner for the worst film of 2017.

I saw this on the Greatest Actress Ever (ahem)'s Instagram:

A sci-fi featuring Dane DeYawn (so called because of those prominent bags under his eyes and his yawn-inducing acting performances) and Upstart Delevingne, to me, just screams Razzie. I can't think of a more sexless couple than DeHaan and Delevingne (other than Dane DeHaan and Felicia Vikander, or Cara Delevingne and Joel Kinnaman).

I can't wait to hate-watch it and tear it to pieces on my blog. 🎬

In the theme of throwing shade at films I've not yet seen, I believe The Big Short is about to have its title stripped as the Most Smug Film of All-Time:

The trailer for Ben Wheatley (director of my pick for the worst film of last year, High-Rise)'s insufferable-looking crime caper was the most wannabe Tarantino thing ever. Just a lot of shooting in a warehouse, Sharlto Copley being incomprehensible and lame banter between caricatures.

Hard pass.

Ben Wheatley and Amy Jump: the most inauspicious matrimony in film since Zack and Deborah Snyder (I went there).

From the BBFC's extended information for Raw. What's a woman's 'public hair', just wondering?

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Methink the lady doth protest too much.

Emma Watson has been working overtime recently in an attempt to quell rumours about her being too much of a diva to get the lead in La La Land, even saying 'I couldn't care less if I won an Oscar if I didn't feel the film I made said something'.

Whatever helps you sleep at night, sweetie.

Still, I guess she couldn't do La La Land, what with her busy schedule giving shite talks about white feminism.

Another newspaper cutting that attests to my theory that Po-faced Watson is an absolute diva who is completely unabile to take a joke:

My Favourite Performances in a U-rated Film.

The much more sanitised, family-friendly younger sister list to this one. 

My motivation for doing this list is because, naturally, due to the Universal rating, an actor is constrained in terms of the amount of cursing they can do, as well as being limited by other elements of their acting repertoire. In an 18-rated film, for example, you can cuss, Coke and have a candle up your bum. (And that's just Leo in WoWS). 

In a U-rated film you're barely allowed to say 'bloody' and a kiss on the lips is about as saucy as it gets. 

So, which actors managed to impress me with their acting without resorting to the naughty stuff?

10. Rosamund Pike as Jane Bennett in Pride & Prejudice

Ms. Pike, who I admire on many levels: for her intellect (she did English at Wadham College, Oxford and speaks extremely eloquently in interviews), beauty (a 5 foot 8.5 genteel English rose) and flawless acting skills (here's hoping she picks up a second Oscar nomination for this year's upcoming A United Kingdom!), plays Keira Knightley's nice, docile sister Jane in the role that won her the heart of the director, Joe Wright, who later turned out to be a bit of a knob and played her. Men called Joe are untrustworthy knobs like that.

Her appearance on this list makes Rosamund the only actor/actress to feature in both my 'top 18-rated performances' and 'top U-rated performances' list. Get you an actress who can do both.

One final piece of awesome, there's a copy of the Pride & Prejudice audiobook that Rosamund Pike reads! Boom.

09. Henry Fonda as Juror #8 in 12 Angry Men 

08. Ziyi Zhang as Zhao Di in The Road Home

Ziyi's more appearance on this list, in a much more wholesome role, makes her the only actress to feature on my 'top U rated performances' list and 'sexiest femmes in film' list. Brilliant to see a Chinese sister consistently slaying!

07. Bette Davis as Margo Channing in All About Eve 

All ABout Eve, one of my favourite films is one of the greatest films about divas and features one of the cattiest performances of all-time by Bette Davis. How shady can she be in a U-rated film?, you might be wondering. Well the answer is very, and the genius of Ms Davis' performance is it's not so much the waspish comments she makes to the other actresses. It's the way that she says them.

06. Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Bennett in Pride & Prejudice 

Some critics didn't care for Keira's giggly portrayal of Elizabeth Bennet, causing director Joe Wright to rant at the BAFTAs when he was picking up an Award about how dare they not nominate her. Awkward. (Told you Joe Wright was a dislikeable cnut).

And to be honest, the first time I saw this film, I agreed. Initially, I found Keira Knightley too slight in the role. But like any layered acting performance, and quite the opposite from Jennifer Lawrence's initially flashy but ultimately one-dimensional turn as Tiffany in Silver Linings Playbook which even Jlaw stans admit was one of the most undeserved Oscar wins in Academy Award history, it grows on you after repeat viewings, particularly if you think about the character more.

Knightley imbues Elizabeth with a light-heated outward demeanour, but behind the pretty face, still waters run deep. Like an onion, it's a performance of depth and complexity, and I'm more than happy to admit that when I first watched her at 15, I didn't quite appreciate the nuances of good acting. She's actually rather brilliant; I daresay even Jane Austen would approve.

05. Ingrid Bergman as Ilsa Lund in Casablanca

04. Joan Fontaine as Lisa Berndle in Letter from an Unknown Woman 

Don't know if you can tell, but I'm somewhat of a sucker for Old Hollywood weepies!

03. Wei Minzhi as Wei Minzhi in Not One Less 

My brother hates this film, finding it cringey, but Not One Less means a lot to me and is my third favourite film of all time. It encapsulates the hardships that people in rural China have to endure on a daily basis, and the hell they have to put themselves through and dignity they have to sacrifice just to make ends meet. Tom wouldn't know how this feels because he was born in London with a silver spoon in his mouth, and unlike his sage older sibling who was born in China but came to England at a young age, hasn't ever experienced the destitution shown in this movie.

Back to the film and not making everything about myself as per, director Zhang Yimou (who also directed entry #8 on this list) plucked an unknown, Wei Minzhi, and cast her as the lead in Not One Less. She plays a young girl who has to take over teaching a disruptive class. The teacher who's leaving for a spell promises her bonus pay if there's 'not one less' student in the class when they come back as when they left.

Unfortunately, getting students to remain in class is easier said than done, given a) Minzhi isn't a particularly experienced teacher and doesn't deal with kids well and b) most of the children in the class are as poor or more so than she is, and so for them, education is a luxury their parents can't afford. As such, one boy quits school pretty early on to find work instead, and the film follows Minzhi as she travels across China to try and drag him back to class.

I'm probably not selling the film very well, but it was an extremely emotional experience because it bought back memories of parts of rundown China which I see every time I visit and the levels of poverty which people really do live in. The motivations of Wei Minzhi's character in the film are too real, and as such, it was a stroke of genius to cast an unknown everyday person in the lead role. Because she has had the life experience of having to sing for her supper on a daily basis, her performance is more authentic and affecting than any amount of years at Drama school could instill into someone.

02. Audrey Hepburn as Princess Anya in Roman Holiday 

Oblig shout-out to the prettiest, classiest lady in Hollywood history!

01. Alec Guinness as eight members of the D'Ascoyne family in Kind Hearts and Coronets 

One of the best comedic performances of all-time. The pinnacle of an actor playing multiple roles in a movie; Guinness really sells every character as disparate from the last.  BOSS!

I'm a poet and I know it.

As you may have gleamed from my review of Suicide Squad, I didn't think too much of Cara Delevingne's performance which her father bought her. I even wrote a poem about it:

I may have spent quite a large chunk of last weekend Snapchatting friends videos and images of me whining about Delevingne's Razzie-worthy acting. Because it's not like me to go on about things, now is it? (On a completely unrelated note, do you remember in 2013 when The Guardian ranked Eden Hazard 100th in the world? A HUNDREDTH I TELL YA).

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By the by, the BBFC responded to that insufferable e-mail I sent them. As you'll notice, I basically got fobbed off with a generic response. They even included links to the guidelines. As if I haven't studied those and memorised them off by heart! The BBFC is like, my specialist topic, yo!

But oh well. I'll just have to let bygones be bygones and accept Too Young 2: Never Gone as one of the titles the BBFC rated 15, that I think is a dubious 15.

Suicide Squad, for all its talk of 'sustained threat', proved to be a bit of a bubblegum 15 in the end (I found the threat in the 12A-rated 10 Cloverfield Lane more intense). But I am grateful to the BBFC for awarding it, because it meant there were no kids in the audience, and I got to see it in relative peace.

However, I believe there was an oversight at the BBFC when they compiled their short insight. It's 15 for 'sustained threat, moderate violence' but they forgot 'strong horror'.

The horror in question being Cara Delevingne trying to act. 

The Social Vexwork.

I'm currently watching David Fincher's The Social Network, and I must say, I love how the protagonist goes on livejournal to whine about his fail of a love life. Because that doesn't sound familiar at all. ;)

The Apprentice, Week 4.

It’s all about inventions this week, as both Apollo and Synergy are told to select two from a bunch of up-and-coming inventions and pitch them to various department stores and shops across the UK.
We’re launched straight into conflict when Jamie and Mel fight for the position of Project Manager. Mel, who was the winning PM last week (although it could be strongly argued that her team won in spite of, rather than because of, her), puts herself forward again, though through a democratic vote it is Jamie who win the position of PM. Jamie looks chuffed, Mel looks extremely irked. On the other team, picking PM is considerably more straightforward; Chris puts himself forward and meets no opposition, winning the position by default.

The teams this week are two select some inventions and try to sell them. We see some of these inventions, which range from the curious to the sublime. There’s bizarre Pilate helpers, a men’s T-shirt that claims to sculpt in the body (for £50? I think not). There’s also a “water and energy-saving showerhead”, which can save a family of four up to £240 a year, which retails at just over twenty quid. Jamie’s team like it it, deciding that it’s “free money”. If they buy over a thousand units, they can get them for £9.95 rather than RRP of "12.95. Lastly, there’s a BabyGlo for off-colour babies, which helps to prevent cot death; when a baby gets too warm, the item of clothing changes colour. Chris is very impressed with it and it’s obviously going to be snapped up by worried parents. Finally, both teams decide to vy for the baby clothing, but only one can get it. It’s Chris’ team who win it, leaving Jamie’s team disappointed. They have to decide on second best, wherein they debate over the shower head and the spade. In the end, they go for both. (Chris’ teams’ second product is the expensive underwear).

The day’s big appointment is to make pitches. The two teams work on their pitches on their cab rides toward their destinations. Jamie, Melissa and Christopher aim to pitch their showerheads first. The department store disregard it straight away, saying they “don’t sell showers”, which leaves Jamie stumped. Melissa jumps in, arguing in favour for it, saying it “does fit in somewhere” and that it “does bring in different buyers”, though she’s talking to a brick wall, which does the team no favours with the Department store. Next, they pitch their spade, and the pitch is somewhat underwhelming, only for them to say they “don’t sell gardening tools.” All in all, a massive fail.

Chris’ team’ pitch for the underwear doesn’t particularly impress the Department store people, but the BabyGlo item noticeably turns their head. They have their questions, but the pitch is quite strong (after all, it is by far the best item), and they leave relatively pleased for their work on the latter. Joanna in Synergy manages to gather interest for the showerhead, but it’s from Leamington Spa, so Jamie sends his sub-team of Stella, Stuart and Melissa up there. Chris’ team then move to test their BabyGlo product on boutiques. The first shopkeeper’s main concern with it is over the packaging. She complains that it is not packaged for a high-end store, despite the product itself being quite innovative. The other half of Chris’ team – Sandeep, Paloma and Laura, go to other baby stores. Sandeep wins “Most Pointless Comment of the Year” by saying “obviously the baby can’t talk to you.” They make a small amount of orders, but Laura complains that her pitch was stolen from her.

Jamie’s team has meanwhile gone all the way down to Portsmouth. They make ten thousand pounds worth of sales, which they’re highly satisfied with. Jamie meanwhile calls Melissa to say that Joanne will be taking 50% of her sales, as it was her that won them the pitch. Melissa certainly isn’t happy about it, but aims to make the greatest batch sale she can. However, the buyer would only take it if the product was around the six pound region, which is half what they’re trying to flog it for. Despite Melissa’s best efforts (read: rambling), it’s a no-go for them. Meanwhile, Chris is trying to sell his BabyGlo outfit by playing the “as mothers…” card with a group of women, and it doesn’t go down particularly well.
It’s success for Sandeesh as she makes £780 worth of sales. They then go to a shop nearby and make a big sale of 200 units, but he’ll only agree to it if they go exclusive within the Soho area, meaning that Sandeesh demands credit for £780 of that sale to make up for the sale she has lost. This triggers off a debate between Paloma and Laura over who gets the credit for the rest of the sale.
In the closing minutes of the day, Jamie’s and Chris’ team run around all over the UK, making closing sales. Both see fairly confident, though Jamie is far from impressed from the other half of his team – Stuart sold nothing, Stella sold 60 showers and Mel, 6 spades. Christopher voices his derision at their “work”, “BOLLOCKS.”

It’s boardroom time, and Alan Sugar asks Synergy what they made of their teamleader Jamie. Generally, they were fairly impressed, though they discuss why it is that they didn’t win the pitch for the BabyGlo product. This was mainly down to Stuart’s rudeness in the face of the pitcher. Alan Sugar then questions why 60 showers were sold for £10, which count as disallowed sales, as this price can only be applied for sales of over 1000. Alan Sugar then talks to Apollo. They, too, have some of their sales discounted, because they offered exclusivity on their BabyGlo product and they weren’t allowed it from the creator.

Number crunching time. For what has to be a first in The Apprentice history, the sales figures are very very high. Synergy make £3790 from one sent of pitches, 0 from the department store ones, and a whopping £63750 in another, amounting to a huge £76518.80, which Jamie looks hugely pleased about. However, his happiness is short-lived in the face of Apollo’s figures a huge total of £122000, chiefly thanks to Liz’s amazing sale skills. I’m a huge fan of Liz, it must be said. She’s the only un-diva of the women in the show, and just goes about her work quietly. Woman will go very, very far. It’s mainly thanks to her that Chris’ team wins, and they are treated to a spa treatment.

It’s but a trick for Synergy, however, and Jamie tries to look gracious, but he can’t hide his disappointment. Joanne and Melissa shout at reach other across the café table. Melissa claims to be a great pitcher, but all we’ve seen is evidence to the contrary. Jamie says he wishes he could take the mini-group Stella, Stuart and Melissa in, as he’s none too impressed with either. The Sub team contributed £897, which is rubbish as a proportion of their overall sales. Stuart won’t accept it though, and still claims to be a great salesman. Karen Brady tells Melissa bluntly that the feedback was that they were “very annoying”, something I echo 100%. Recriminations aplenty follow, and Jamie goes all wordy when questioned on who he wants to bring into the boardroom with him. He goes for Melissa and Stuart, which I think is a bit of a no-brainer, although Melissa stills acts wounded to hear the decision, which makes me laugh.

Once the three of them are in the boardroom, the three turn on each other. When Sir Alan disses Melissa, all she can say is “I appreciate the feedback”, which just makes her appear even more sycophantic than ever. She tries to defend herself by saying “I received a victory as project manager”, but Alan Sugar fairly points out that that win had nothing to do with her. Ha ha ha. Alan Sugar curtly tells Stuart he needs to think before he can talk, but Stuart argues that he’s young (21, only a year older than me! Freaking hell), saying that he’s yet to be PM to exhibit his full skills.

Alan Sugar really scares me (and, no doubt, Jamie), when he winds him up, making it seem like it is Jamie who is getting to get fired, but finally, he sacks Melissa, much to the glee of everyone over the UK, no doubt. She shows herself to be the ungracious goon she is muttering “Well done for ganging up on me” darkly under her breath, and refusing to shake Jamie’s hand when he offers it. When in the cab, she says something stupid like “Karmically they will be reattributed”, which is not even proper English. As for as unlikeable characters in The Apprentice go, Melissa is right up there, and I am so happy she’s finally off our screens. No-one in the house seems to miss her, and, frankly, neither will any of us.

Football Crazy.

Out of the eight matches that have gone on so far this tournament, I have, lamentably, only watched five. The first I missed was due to work, but the two others - South Korea v Greece and Argentina v Nigeria, were entirely due to my own folly; of choosing to swan around London on a football Saturday, and then watch SATC2. Tut tut. By all intents and purposes, I was actually abiding by this film poster: -

Anyway, of the five matches I did see, brief thoughts:

Group A

Uruguay 0 France 0

Uruguay (4-4-2): Muslera; Victorino, Lugano, Godin, A Pereira; M Pereira, Perez  (Eguren 87), Arevalo,

Gonzalez (Lodeiro 63); Forlan, Suarez (Abreu 74)

Booked: Victorino, Lodeiro, Lugano.

Sent off: Lodeiro.

France (4-3-3): Lloris; Sagna, Gallas, Abidal, Evra; Gourcuff (Malouda 75), Toulanan, Diaby; Govou (Gignac 83), Anelka (Henry 71) Ribery.

Booked: Evra, Ribery, Toulalan.

Referee: Yuichi Nishimura (Jpn)

Fighting Talk Going into this game, France had lost in a friendly game to China. That's right, China. As for their qualification at Republic of Ireland's expense, the handiwork of Thierry Henry has now been well-documented, many times over. Uruguay had won none of their previous 12 games in the World Cup with European sides. The statistics regarding both teams hinted at a cagey affair with few goals.

How it went down There were indeed few goals, if few means "none", and even less flair on show. After a decent first few minutes, the rest of the first half fizzled out into nothingness as neither team found cohesion in attack. Raymond Domenech controversially benched winger Florent Malouda after an alleged bust-up in training, and the wizardry of the Chelsea man is much missed. There were two or three good half-chances in the first 45 minutes but not much else and though the game comes a little more into life when Henry stepped onto the pitch, neither team were able to find the net. Diego Forlan, breaker of Liverpool and Fulham hearts in the Europa Cup, looked particularly forlorn with his non-appearance. Uruguay will probably be more relieved of the two to escape with a point as they finished the match with ten men (Nicolas Lodeiro was sent off for two yellow cards), but the lack of creativity on display from two much-celebrated footballing countries was quite disappointing.

The good Despite the bee-like sound of the vuvulezas all over the pitch, there are still cheers aplenty to be heard; good to see the fans rooting for their countries.

The bad Nicolas Anelka strutted around the pitch looking even more po-faced than usual, very much in the vein of the apathetic Anelka I witnessed when he first joined Chelsea. You've played at countless clubs, you should know by now that rolling your eyes doesn't produce goals, mate.

The ugly After the match, Patrice Evra lambasted the vuvulezas and then the World Cup ball for France's below-par performance. Sigmund Freud might call such behaviour "displacement".

What this means It's all square in Group A, as South Africa, Mexico, Uruguay and France all draw. The World Cup host country will probably be most grateful with their point, but as it stands, there's everything to play for.

And the rest  Chris Toy, of Studs Up fame, said on twitter at half-time, "This game is tight, just how Ribéry likes it." I felt grubby for doing so, but oh, how I laughed.

Group C

England 1 USA 1

England (4-4-2): Green; Johnson, King

(Carragher 46min), Terry, A Cole; Lennon, Lampard, Gerrard, Milner (Wright-Phillips 30); Rooney, Heskey (Crouch 79).

Booked: Milner, Carragher, Gerrard.

USA (4-4-2) : Howard; Cherundsolo, DeMerit, Onyewu, Bocanegra; Donovan, Bradley, Clark, Dempsey; Altidore (Holden 86), Findley (Buddle 77). Booked: Cherundolo, DeMerit, Findley

Referee: C Simon (Brazil)

Fighting Talk Dubbed as an American-Anglo clash of international (well, duh) proportions, England fans took to baiting American ones by patronising their lack of knowledge about football, whilst they promised to get at us in the simplest way; by baiting Wayne Rooney. More than two years on from installing Fabio Capello as England manager and having missed out on Euro 2008, this was England's first tournament match since the disastruous 2006 World Cup, and expectations were through the roof.

How it went down England started well when Emile Heskey found newly-appointed England captain Steven Gerrard, who hit the net within four minutes. From there on for the next 20 minutes, England looked confident and capable in attack. America gave as good as they got, Jozy Altidore and Landon Donavon in particular having fun with the England defenders, and on 40 minutes, though England were leading, the game was pretty even. How nice of Rob Green, then, to do his bit for the Americans. With Clint Dempsey's speculative shot heading towards him, he caught the ball, then proceeded to drop it as it bounced behind him and into the net. All that was missing from that scene of vintage England goalkeeping was some clown music going "wah wah wah". Green pulled off a terrific save in the second half that prevented the Americans from going 2-1 up, but let's be honest, all that will be remembered of him from now on no matter what he does is his blunderous "Hand of Clod" moment.

The good Despite all my reservations about starting both Lampard and Gerrard in midfield, for once, both players were a credit to themselves.

The bad It's pointless to dwell on it, but Rob Green's mistake really does need to be seen to be believed.

The ugly Wayne Rooney running with the ball. Wayne Rooney remonstrating with the referee. Wayne Rooney full stop.

What this means USA will be far happier with this result than England will, but a draw is not the end of the world by any means. England's inability to produce a second goal, however, is. For all the plaudits laid upon him, Rooney had a terrible game and another performance like this and I would seriously question his starting place. We won't win games through reputation. Just sayin'.

And the rest Despite their National Team holding their own against the Three Lions, the American media still haven't understood the concept of a draw. Oh dear.

Algeria 0 Slovenia 1

Algeria (4-5-1): Faouzi Chaouchi, Madjid Bougherra, Nadir Belhadj, Anther Yahia, Rafik Halliche, Mehdi Lacen, Karim Matmour (Rafik Saifi, 80), Karim Ziani, Hassan Yebda, Foued Kadir (Adlene Guedioura, 82), Rafik Zoheir Djebbour (Abdelkader Ghezzal, 58)

Booked: Ghezzal, Yebda

Sent off: Ghezzal

Slovenia (4-4-2): Samir Handanovic, Miso Brecko, Marko Suler, Bostjan Cesar, Bojan Jokic, Robert Koren, Valter Birsa (Nejc Pecnik, 84), Andraz Kirm, Aleksander Radosavljevic (Andrej Komac, 87), Milivoje Novakovic, Zlatko Dedic (Zlatan Ljubijankic, 53)

Booked: Radosavljevic, Komac

Referee: Carlos Batres (Guatemala)

Fighting Talk With England and USA drawing the night before, there was now more of a chance that the winner of this match - should there be one - could grasp the second place spot.

How it went down For 73 minutes, sod all occurs, except both sides producing what would be a perfect antidote to insomnia. In the 74th minute, the Algeria substitute Ghezzal, already on a yellow for a pointless shirt pull, commits his second stupid foul of the day with a handball, and is given his marching orders.  Not long after, Slovenia capitalise with a goal by Robert Koren, though the shot itself was tame, it was more due to the failings of their goalkeeper Chaouchi, who let it bounce off his shoulder and into the net. Two matches from group C, and two hilarious bouts of goalkeeping.

The good The game ended, didn't it?

The bad The performances from both sides. Though Slovenia came out with the more attacking line-up, such was Algeria's compact midfield that they succeeded in shutting them down for most of it. As such, any creative flair was completely stifled, leading to one of the most boring matches I've watched for quite a while.

The ugly Whilst the quality of the football was low, but was even worse was the commentry supplied by the BBC, who kept arrogantly tempting hubris by asserting "based on this performance, England need not be troubled." It was them, rather than the vuvuleza sounds, that had be scrambling for the mute button.

What this means Slovenia must want the group stages to stay as it is; they sit pretty at the top of Group C, albeit with England ans USA yet to play.

And the rest Alan Hansen, BBC pundit, was particularly mardy during the commentary of this match. He turns 55 today. Unhappy Birthday to him.

Group D

Serbia 0 Ghana 1

Fighting Talk The first game of six from Group D, one of the two Groups of Death (the other being Group G). In this group sit Serbia, Ghana, Australia and Germany, all four of which stand a fighting chance of making it into the knockout stages.

How it went down Another tightly contested match with the third red card of the tournament shown, which proceeded to turn the events of the game. Aleksandar Lukovic, receiving a second yellow for hauling down Asamoah Gyan, is given his marching orders around the 70th minute, and moments later Zdravco Kuzmanovic's handball in the penalty box leading to the penalty awarded to Ghana, which (the pre-mentioned) Gyan duly converted. The rest of the match was a mixture of misplaced long balls from Serbia and resiliant Ghanian defending, making Ghana worthy of their win.

The good The Ghana team performance, though lacking in much creative flair, was solid and cohesive, every one on their team had a strong game, particularly captain John Pantsil, Tagoe and Gyan, the latter of whom kept the Serbian defence on their toes throughout.

The bad Kuzmanovic, one of the Serbian substitutes, had barely been on the pitch when he conceded the first penalty of the tournament, and a totally needless one at that. That'll stick with him, for sure.

The ugly Lukovic's first half and second half performances were the very epitome of Jekyll and Hyde. In the first half, he looked composed and in control, but his needless second yellow in the second half meant he was essentially the architect of Serbia's downfall.

What this means At present, Ghana are top of Group D, Serbia bottom.

And the rest Nine of the Serbia starting XI had names ending in -ic.

Germany 4 Australia 0

Germany Manuel Neuer, Arne Friedrich, Holger Badstuber, Philipp Lahm, Per Mertesacker, Sami Khedira, Bastian Schweinsteiger, Mesut Ozil (Mario Gomez, 74), Lukas Podolski (Marko Marin, 81), Miroslav Klose (Jeronimo Baretto Cacau, 68), Thomas Muller

Booked: Ozil, Cacau

Australia Mark Schwarzer, Lucas Neill, Craig Moore, Tim Cahill, Jason Culina, Brett Emerton (Mile Jedinak, 74), Luke Wilkshire, Scott Chipperfield, Vince Grella (Brett Holman, 46), Carl Valeri, Richard Garcia (Nikita Rukavytsya, 64)

Booked: Moore, Neill, Valeri

Sent off: Cahill

Referee: Marco Rodríguez (Mexico)

Fighting Talk If the previous match between Ghana and Serbia (the former 17 FIFA places below the other) was any indicator, then an upset, with Australia placed 13 places below Germany could well be on the cards. In reality, this was said more in hope than expectation.

How it went down Car analogies were being thrown around our living room and me, having had 20 driving lessons once and gotten nowhere and having no car expertise at all, can only paraphrase what was said by my paterfamilia: that Germany performed like a well oiled, state of the art Mercedes-Benz S-type, and Australia were the 60-year-old Chrysler in need of an engine repair. Harsh, but true; Australia's defence were non-existent on some occasions and by the time Germany hit four, I was torn between awe for one team and pity for the other. Tim Cahill's tackle wasn't great but it certainly didn't merit a straight red and unless FIFA retract it, it means Australia's playmaker misses the next two matches. On the balance of this performance, it could well be Australia's last two in this tournament.

The good Make no mistake, Germany were very, very good. Philipp Lahm, a footballer shorter than most of my gal pals, wore the captains armband, and suitably quelled most of Australia's attack. He was also a persistent threat going forward, and swung in the cross that lead to Germany's second goal. Thomas Muller and Mesut Ozil were also integral components in what was a very well put-together machine. Ruthless and efficient will be two adjectives that will be churned out many a time when talking about Germany, but on their performance today, it's justified.

The bad It gives me no pleasure to say it, but Australia disappointed. Hardly anyone on their team shone, but Craig Moore and Vince Grella in particular had shockers. And the prospect of no more Timmy Cahill makes me very sad indeed.

The ugly The referee. Cahill's sending off was just one of the many bizarre calls he had. Australia lost the match on their own shortcomings, but the referee most certainly did not help things. Referees had been doing ok so far this tournament, getting most of the big decisions right (for example, refusing to award France penalties, and rightfully sending players off on 50/50 calls), but Marco Rodriguez let the side down.

What this means Germany have played one, won one, with a handsome goal difference of +4. Despite the one-sidedness, it proved a scintillating game and the only one so far (aside from the England, but I have a vested interest in that game, naturally) that genuinely thrilled me.

And the rest Both captains missing from teams at the top of Group D have first names Michael and play for Chelsea. (lol, I ran out of exciting facts so you'll have to make do with that one)

That's that from that. I work during the week, so I'll miss all the 12:30 and 3:00 kick-offs, though I'll watch the 7:30 ones. This does mean I missing the likes of Denmark vs The Netherlands and Ivory Coast vs Portugal. This makes me sad. But ahhh, that's what highlights are for!

BAFTAs, 2010.

Ever since I've started this movie blog, it's been a tradition for me to write a full report of the BAFTAs, (2009's, 2008's, 2007's and  2006's), but I honestly don't have much to say about tonight's show. Jonathan Ross was efficient if not excellent as a presenter and some of the guests caught my eye with their stunning outfits/looks - Anna Kendrick had a beautiful dress (and her Jimmy Choos! I want) and Matthew Goode looked so damn bungable even if he did pile on the hair gel way too much. The worst acceptance speech was easily Kristen Stewart's; I couldn't tell if she had diarrhea or a stinkbomb in her mouth, but she looked so uncomfortable and her pseudo-modesty simply pissed me off further. Bitch looked anaemic. I genuinely shouted with glee when I saw Christoph Waltz, beard and all, and Saoirse Ronan carried herself well too. The most entertaining acceptance speech fell when the translator for the director of A Prophet was blatantly bananawasted. Har. Bonnie Wright in Prada made me almost chunder the chocolate cake I'd consumed earlier today out; get the f_ck out, bitch, you have no talent and are only famous for shagging someone off Twilight; come back when you've had some acting lessons. That said, I liked the double Brit winning duo of Carey and Colin for Actress and Actor respectively. Mulligan should have kept her hair brunette though. I noted Colin Firth get a celebratory back pat from Stanley Tucci; apparently they're mates; I find this absolutely precious! Also, though I usually switch off by the time we get to that "BAFTA Fellowship" bollocks, this time I was genuinely fixated and thought Vanessa Redgrave's speech was very moving. Gabby Sidibe smiling throughout was rather heartwarming; you can tell she's a healthy, happy girl. Um, not much else to say really; I did squee pretty hard at the start of the show when I saw Anne-Marie Duff, Gabby Sidibe, Saoirse Ronan, Matthew Goode, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers and various other celebrities I like arrive on the red carpet. As much as I love Romola Garai, her multi-coloured "dress" was not a good idea. Vera Farmiga, on the other hand, looked downright gorgeous, whilst Robert Pattinson looked like he really needed a shave. But it was definitely one of the lesser BAFTAs; classy rather than heart-stopping. As ever, they proved to be nowt much but a dry-run for the Oscars. Except in London tonight, it wasn't even dry.

I don't know why, but I seem to have a fair bit of apathy towards the awards season this year. It doesn't make sense as I love Inglourious Basterds as much as I loved Slumdog Millionaire last year. But all this hoo-ha over Avatar vs. The Hurt Locker (the former of which I haven't seen, but if Titanic was anything to go by, oh dear, and the latter I saw last week and left me nodding off at the parts when I wasn't downright irritated) is actually boring my bollocks off. Of course, there's excitement to be had in predicting the acting categories, some of which are wonderful - even though I loathed Precious, even I can tell that the performances in them were stellar. And Christoph blimmin' Waltz; legend! But I dunno. George Clooney, James Cameron, Katherine Bigalow, Lee Daniels and various others are all people I'd probably bung on a dartboard, and hence, the prospect of seeing even more of them makes me want to curl in a ball and diaf.

Film review: HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3 [sarcasm alert haha]

At the time of writing this, High School Musical 3: Senior Year has an extremely lowly rating of 3.3/10 on IMDb. This saddens me greatly. My friend Luke and I watched HSM3 this Wednesday, due to it being 3.30 and W. not starting until 5.30, and HSM3 starting at 3.45pm. I’m delighted that we made this choice, because it proved to be everything that cinema isn’t these days – intelligent, moving, witty, and so, so, well acted.

Troy and Gabriella are now in their final year of high school, and they still haven’t bunged. In fact, it takes them 90 whole minutes of celluloid to even have a kiss. And even then it’s not a proper kiss. Anyway, it’s time to go to college. Troy’s dad wants him to pursue his basketball, and Gabriella’s doing Law somewhere far away. Naturally, they have preoccupations over whether or not their oh-so-deep relationship will stand this trying test, but it’s nothing the odd song or two can’t sing. In fact, Gabriella even decides it would be a cool thing to – on top of all the exams they have – put on one last school musical.

Meanwhile, Sharpay’s gotten herself a Machiavellian British little manservant, her camp brother Ryan’s trying to prove to the world that he’s not really gay by winking at the girl that plays the piano, and Troy’s basketball buddy Chad is gonna miss his mate. Oh the woes.

Despite the achingly fresh and original storyline, HSM3 still stays true to its bubblegum roots, wherein all the characters will be break into song whenever they damn well please – whether that be in asking a girl to prom, in the middle of a basketball game, or, best of all – in a deserted garage, where the scene between Troy and Chad is bromancetastic.

Vanessa Hudgens deserves an Oscar for her heart-wrenching performance of the teenage girl who is torn between her loves – her education, and her stunning, not at all impotent boyfriend, although this really is a group effort, with the entire cast not putting a foot wrong throughout the entire film.

If you do not cry at the scene in which Troy finds Gabriella and they have their private prom moment, then I tell you, you have no heart. Everything in HSM3 has been building up to this moment, which is in itself a terrifically post-modern homage to Shakespearean courtly scenes. Everything about this film is perfect, and I so wish that I could sing like Ashley Tisdale.

(Nah, seriously, I liked it quite a bit – 7/10. It was totally shit of course, but ya know, in a good way. It was much funnier than Burn After Reading, at any rate. The gospel version of “We’re All in this Together” was good fun.)

Two Terrible Movies.

Now that I'm a University student, I don’t get as much time for watching movies as I used to. So when I do watch a movie, I expect it to be good. Sadly, the last two that I wasted my time with were anything but good.



The Quatermass Experiment
I went along to the Sci-fi’s society screening of The Quatermass Experiment with three of my friends yesterday, in complete blindness about the film and its plot. Which just goes to show that I should consult IMDb more frequently, because if I had, I would have had two hours of my life back, to have done some of the thick stack of Maths homework I have, to read a novel, or even, say, watching paint dry. Because any of those things would have been exponentially more exciting than The Quatermass Experiment.

The plot revolves around a failed space experiment (or something or other), resulting with, out of the three astronauts that had gone into space, two are missingng and the remaining one in a stage of crazed coma.

This was a remake of the 1953 film, and director Sam Miller must have felt a burning desire to the maintain the campness of 50s B-movies, because everything about it - from the stodgy script, to the actors who performances make Keira Knightley look expressive – was below par. The finale brought the lulz in the biggest way; my friends and I were just sat there blankly, and overall, nothing made sense, except that the BBC were really bored one day and couldn’t be arsed to make a proper movie. TQC has done little to sweeten my already tempestuous relationship with fantasy movies. As one of my friends said, “the only good thing about it was that it had David Tennant”, but for all his endeavours, no amount of Doctor Who impressions could redeem this “film”, a load of absolute bollocks. E.

Good Time Max
I downloaded this in time for the “Franco Revolution” (the non-Spanish civil war type) what with his performance in Pineapple Express being touted as one of the finest comedic turns of the year (I’m still yet to see it, but I will – any film that plays M.I.A.’s Paper Planes in the trailer has my interest as I bunging love that song). Anyway, this film was incredibly. Directed, co-written and starring James Franco, it’s about two brothers, Adam and Max, both born geniuses, but, whilst Adam purses a career as a surgeon, Max falls down on the slippery slope of drug addiction. After a drug deal gone wrong, Max convinces his brother to go far away and start a new life with him, but it’s not long before his rehabilitation process falls flat on his face and life gets worse than ever.



The only thing of interest in this entire film was probably the sight of James Franco in glasses, for everything else was just an indulgent, sprawling mess. Some of the acting was so poor that it wouldn’t have been out of place in my Sixth Form’s High School Musical-style-play, with Franco himself failing to shine, drooping back into his annoying Spiderman days; he came across as just a whiny, lazy little bastard who invoked no sympathy from me whatsoever despite being so aesthetically pleasing. I usually like to wax lyrical about independent films and their inner beauty, but this has to site alongside Lost in Translation and 40 Shades of Blue as one of the dullest indies I’ve ever seen. Bung, and not in a good way. E.

On the bright side, however, I’m going to the adorable Little Theatre Cinema with my friend Luke today to see the Coen brothers’ Burn After Reading. Am excited!

16. Roman Holiday (William Wyler, 1953)

As is you may have noticed, I’m a huge Audrey Hepburn fan. I love how she brings elegance and beauty to everything that she does, whether it be play cockney flower girl Eliza Dolittle or Holly Golightly, Truman Capote’s famous country girl turned call girl. But perhaps her most winning performance was her lead debut in Roman Holiday, wherein she plays an overprotected royal princess who one day, escapes from her world of dire duties to explore Rome, and in doing so, explore herself.

After a while or so, she falls asleep on a local bench, and passing by is newspaper reporter Joe Bradley (Greg Peck), who fails to recognise her. Being gentlemanly and chivalrous, he lets her stay the night in his apartment, even giving the royal highness his bed, whilst he settles for the less-than-comfortable surroundings of his couch. His next day at work, Joe hears that the princess has gone missing and puts two and two together and, in want of rescuing his ailing position at his job, makes a bet that her can obtain an exclusive on the Princess.
Such is the overall charm of Roman Holiday, that the scene where Hepburn and Peck dart around the streets of Italy on a Vespa scooter have been frequently copied, but never bettered. (The worst attempt to echo it was in the Lizzie McGuire Movie when Hilary [is] Duff rode around on one in Italy. Bitch.) The black-and-white cinematography is simple and pretty, and, whilst there’s never anything flashy being done, the backdrop of Rome itself is magic on screen.



Some girls are won over by the Cinderella Story, but Roman Holiday works kinda like the polar opposite of Cinderella, and I love it for that. There’s something poignant about the idea of “changing into someone else”, even if it is just for a day, especially when we’re not sure who it is that we’re meant to be in the first place. It seems that Roman Holiday is about a princess who disguises herself as an everyday person. But maybe Anya is equally confused about how to be a princess. It’s only when she sacrifices her amazing holiday and experiences, not to mention the love she’s found with Joe Bradley – that she finally becomes a true princess.

Audrey Hepburn IS this princess, from head to toe. Arguably one of the best actresses of all time, certainly one of the most beautiful, and by far my favourite, she plays Princess Anya to perfection. Hepburn depicts the Princess’ frustrations and boredom of her everyday life as well as the pure joy she finds in escaping it with such a winning charm and a gorgeous smile that you feel completely sucked into her experience. The film has, littered about it, various entertaining moments, but my favourite is when Joe and Anya visit the marble statue for the Moment of Truth, and Joe frightens Anya by pretending to get his hand stuck in it. The innocence and fear shown in Anya’s eyes by Hepburn is just so winning and sweet and the chemistry between Peck and Hepburn is brilliant; and I think it sums up the movie pretty well.

Funny, romantic, adorable and entertaining, Roman Holiday is everything that Lost in Translation never was. It’s a beautiful and touching look at what should have been but couldn’t have been, and in doing so, has great fun.

19. All About Eve (Joseph L. Mankiewicz, 1950)

omgz i wrote something?!!

All About Eve came out in 1950, the same year as Sunset Boulevard, Billy Wilder’s subversive portayal of Hollywood and its actors. Mankiewicz was equally scathing in his look at the world of Broadway stage, portraying the mythical ruthlessness and petulance of stage actors. Both were big hits, and All About Eve was nominated for a record fourteen Oscars, winning six, including Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Writing.

It’s the best film about theatre that I've seen, also happening to say more about the film industry too. Sunset Boulevard might be the film about stars that dwell in the glory days of the past and live in self-delusion, but All About Eve demonstrates how they allowed their egos to get like that.

Like Sunset Boulevard, All About Eve tells its story in the form of a flashback. It all kicks off with the presentation of a prestigious stage-acting award to the eponymous Eve Harrington, accompanied by the commentary of theatre critic Addison DeWitt (George Sanders). He introduces us to the players in the world of Broadway before we go 9 months back in history before Eve was a star.

The film then charts the story Eve and how she has wormed her way into the acting clan. She does so by getting into a circle of theatre friends around an aging (and insecure about it) actress Margo Channing, whom she attempts to be a protégé of, using her a persona of friendliness and self-deprecation to mask a sinister plan of getting to the top.

All About Eve is an absolute treat in terms of acting. The role of the older actress, Margo Channing, was considered for a range of in-form actresses, from Gertrude Lawrence (wanted script changes that the director did not), Susan Hayward (too young), Claudette Colbert (pulled out back injury), Marlene Dietrich (Mankiewicz didn't love her), and Ingrid Bergman (would not leave Italy) before Bette Davis was finally chosen.

It’s the role of her lifetime, playing a character that ran only too true – a brilliant actress, but one who felt her time was running out. Bette Davis knew she was handed a dream role when she was cast as the resolute diva caught up in the throes of mid-life crisis both on- and off-stage, and she’s amazing her in performance. She’s selfish and tough yet at the same time, vulnerable and insecure.

Getting suspicious about her increasingly distrustful follower Eve, Margo lets her friends know that she doesn’t trust her, though they, taken to Eve’s put-on niceness, disagree, mistaking her fear for jealousy and harshness. Not willing to resolve the problem in a dignified way, Margo goes on a rampage and has a go at anyone who comes near her.

Bette Davis was born to play Margo Channing and, in my opinion, is even better than Swanson in Sunset Blvd. She can be a catty cow or a coy pussycat, and Davis loves every scene she gets to tear into. At the same time, however, she evokes real sympathy for Margo. The film may be titled All About Eve, but Margo is and always will be the real star of the movie.

Her supporting cast are to die for. Celeste Holm is excellent as Margo's sensible best friend, who at first is on Eve's side but eventually sees how conniving she can be and how ruthless she is in climbing to the top. When she took on the narration, I just got the feeling that things would turn out alright for Margo. She's the closest character to any of the audience throughout the movie, as, she is pretty much a spectator herself.

Gary Merrill and Hugh Marlowe are a joy in their respective roles as Margo’s boyfriend and playwright. George Sanders plays his trademark role as the cad with such cynicism and unfriendliness that it’s no wonder he bagged the Oscar. As the diabolical theatre critic, he has some of the best lines of the movie.

Thelma Ritter again proves why she is the best supporting player in the biz - as coarse but loyal Birdie Coonan, a member of Margo's "drone". Anne Baxter is pretty good as the sneaky Eve, though obviously my opinion of her performance is tainted by the fact that I despise her character (realistic as it was). There’s even space for a Marylin Monroe cameo, in which she steals the show in the ditzy-blonde trope that she would carry for the rest of her acting life.

All About Eve's screenplay is another one of its assets. Written by director Joseph L. Mankiewicz from the Mary Orr play "The Wisdom of Eve," it features strong characters and great dialogue that is witty, bitching and biting. Despite its running time, at nearly 2 and a half hours, it never drags on. Each of the characters are so perfectly drawn, you could imagine them doing things just like that in the 50s.

Femininity, aging, betrayal, manipulation and ambition are just a few of the themes touched upon in All About Eve. It's funny, but it's also a lot cleverer than it looks. It's got melodrama, yet somehow never goes over the top. All About Eve takes the age-old story of a young performer buttering up an old one, with the intention of usurping them, but makes it into something new, something utterly brilliant. Not to be missed.

10/10