Film review: FINDING DORY (Andrew Stanton and Angus MacLane, 2016)

Disney Pixar have made some incredible movies, several of which are in my personal top 100 movies list (such as Up, WALL-E and Inside Out.) Finding Nemo is my favourite of all of those; a film so beautiful and affecting that just hearing the track ‘Nemo Egg’ brings me to tears. Finding Nemo's message of the importance of family, and the lengths one will go to protect them, really struck emotional chords with me.

I was full of trepidation for the sequel, Finding Dory, a film which I thought really did not need to be made, full of Marlin-esque fear that, like he almost did in the first film, this pointless follow-up would cause me to "lose" Nemo.

(I picked this poster because the tagline is the T-shirt Margot Robbie wears as Harley Quinn in Suicide Squad, which is out this Friday and I'm stoked for!!)

And, sad to say, my fears were realised. The issue with Finding Dory that troubled me was how artificial the conflict was: in one of his strops, Marlin says to Dory, “Go right over there and forget, Dory. That's what you do best.” Now, I get that people say things they don’t mean when their emotions get the best of them, but even in a fit of rage, you wouldn’t say something that hurtful to a friend, especially a friend who played no small role in getting your son back in the first film. People audibly gasped in the cinema when he said that, which illustrates that the writers overplayed their hand and misjudged the tone.

I feel like I’ve been criticising scripts left, right and centre this year (The Neon Demon was poorly written, that bad Chinese romance I watched had a bad script, yada yada yada), and probably, line-for-line, Finding Dory is no worse written than something like Despicable Me, a film I have quite a soft spot for. But in that one line, it just felt like the writers of the film realised they didn’t have enough for a feature length film, so had to manufacture some drama, in doing so, make Marlin make this harsh comment which was really out of character. Furthermore, as part in punishment for what he said, Nemo takes a rather annoying turn in this film as well, constantly chastising his father and acting bratty, which again, undercuts their father/son bond that the first film built so effectively.

Other elements of the screenplay that jarred were that weird, unfunny Sigourney Weaver onrunning joke (like, what? This is about fish, not aliens, so I didn’t even see the point of it), and the lazy characterisation of Hank, the seven-tentacled octopus. Stanton et al were obviously trying to place a ‘crusty old cynic’ character into the storyline, but that trope was employed to much better effect in the form of the mean restaurant critic in Ratatouille, because they explored why it was that he was so jaded. In Finding Dory they just shove a bad-tempered character in as a foil to Dory's good nature, but we already had Marlin for that. 

This is predominantly why Finding Dory isn't fit to tie Toy Story 2's laces in the sequel stakes: in Toy Story 2, the writers both retained the central dynamic between Buzz and Woody, as their friendship, like Marlin and Dory's, is crucial to driving the plot and getting audience members connected to the characters and their plight. Furthmore, the characters introduced in Toy Story 2 were welcome and contributed to the quality of the film (I'm thinking of awesome cowgirl Jessie). This is definitely not the case in Finding Dory, where existing characters are hard done by in terms of character development, and new characters are downright superfluous.

This is epitomised in these two Cockney sea lions (voiced by Idris Elba and Dominic West; the film’s producers desperately trying to appease adult audiences with a The Wire reference, there) that felt like Pixar were trying to regain the belly laughs they had with the seagulls in Finding Nemo (rather than chant 'mine! Mine' the sealions chant 'off! Off!'), but it didn't work, especially as the way the two sea lions ganged up against a third, cross-eyed lion, felt borderline ableist.

The film's pedestrian plot (Dory finding her parents, who she suddenly remembers she'd lost) is given more emotional gravitas than it deserves by Thomas Newman's sensational score. The more eagle-eyed readers of my blog may remember that Finding Nemo features my favourite film score of all-time, so good that they often use excerpts of it on The Apprentice. The score for Finding Dory, whilst not quite as good as that (nothing ever will be), has to work twice as hard, given it is almost the only thing (along with Ellen DeGeneres voicework) that is selling this contrived story to us. The addition of a plaintive violin to highlight Dory's sense of isolation definitely contributed to the emotion of the film, and, as he did in The Shawshank Redemption, American Beauty and WALL-E, Newman deftly allows his music to accompany the plot without feeling intrusive. It's a travesty that this genius doesn't have an Oscar.

In isolation, Finding Dory isn’t a bad film at all. It’s got charm aplenty (baby!Dory with her massive  purple eyes and high-pitched voice is absolutely a-dory-ble #IllGetMyCoat) and in terms of jokes-to-laughs ratio, it scores above your average cartoon. Plus I simply couldn't hate a film that gives two members of the Modern Family cast voice roles. But Pixar isn’t an “average” studio, and its predecessor most certainly not so. I’ll be kind and make like the good-natured heroine of this film and invoke her memoryless property in awarding my rating. If I were to grade it in comparison with the first film, my score would be dramatically lower. 

Put it this way: as Sia's cover of 'Unforgettable' came on over the closing credits, I was hoping that Finding Dory would achieve quite the opposite in my mind.

57/10

The Apprentice series 10, episode 1: Ten Years of Selling

Back for its tenth year, the British Apprentice kicks off with some real chumps. One brags ‘People think I’m a nice guy… really I’m just scheming behind their back’, which is exactly the kind of image you want to convey on national television. Another whines that his absolute worst nightmare is a £50,000 salary and a Toyota. Make no mistake, we’ve got a bunch of egotistical morons on our hands, and as it’s an anniversary year, Alan Sugar enlists not 16 but 20 contestants to start with.

TV recap: THE APPRENTICE series 9 episode 7, CARAVANS

The contestants are woken up at 6am, told to pack an overnight bag and to meet Lord Sugar at the Tower of London. Jason, in true court jester form, insists that the only thing one needs to pack for an all-nighter is his big teddy. 

On the way to the Tower of London, Neil banters with Alex that hopefully it’s him going in the dungeon, an idea that I wouldn’t be averse to, if it sorts his bloody eyebrows out.

As it turns out, the location of Tower of London turns out to be quite tenuous link to this week’s task, which is to do with caravan holidays. The teams will go up to the Birmingham Motorhome and Caravan Show, where they will choose products to sell at the roadshow, one of which must be a high ticket item (ie a caravan). To rebalance the numbers in the teams, Lord Sugar moves Neil over to Evolve, so the teams each have 5 people in.

TV recap: THE APPRENTICE series 9 episode 6, AWAY DAY

The episode begins with various contestants talking the talk about how much they want/need to win this week’s challenge, with the cream of the crop being the ever-bitchy Luisa commenting “I think Rebecca’s desperate to be PM, but I don’t think she’s got a clue.”

The contestants meet Sir Alan in London’s majestic Guildhall, which is famous for holding the Lord Mayor’s Banquet. It is also famous for hosting Corporate Events, which relates to their task this week – to put on an “away day”, which, despite the frivolities, is not just a jolly or an excuse to get pissed. Whilst fun may be had on an away day, the main idea is to teach managers important skills such as communication and listening.

TV recap: THE APPRENTICE series 9 episode 5, DUBAI

This week, the twelve remaining candidates are sent to meet one of Lord Sugar’s clients in Dubai. Luisa wishes to mix business with pleasure, pondering over what bikinis to bring. However, it soon transpires that this trip is anything but a holiday; the candidates have a day to source various items for a hotel magnate. The items come with nothing other than their local name and some specifications for the size, style, etc of each object. 

TV recap: THE APPRENTICE series 8 episode 1, BLANK CANVAS

“In business, times are tough. Investment, hard to come by” is the ominous voiceover, as we enter the new series of The Apprentice. True to form, the show kickstarts by showing us footage of some arrogant idiots taking absolute guff, “I will literally roar my way to the top”, brags one lady, as a guy brags “I have a habit for pulling people’s strings and making them do what I want.” 

TV recap: THE APPRENTICE series 7 episode 2, MOBILE PHONE APPLICATION

Second episode in, 15 contestants left. The participants are awoken at the figurative crack of dawn via a recorded message on a laptop. Alan Sugar tells the group of their new challenge – to market and sell a new mobile phone app. I liked this challenge a lot, in this day and age, a huge majority of people are fiddling with apps on their phone when on the tube, and there seems to be an app for almost everything, however weird or wacky, so it would be an interesting thing for the teams to do. Once again, they’re grouped boys vs girls, so the ladies have a man advantage.

When picking Project Managers, Leon puts himself forward, although he has an agenda; in the last episode, Alan Sugar had commented that he wasn’t involved enough, so he wants to prove Sir Alan wrong. Several other men volunteer to be PM as well, but eventually it goes to a vote and Leon gets the role. The boys are moving along at a good pace and before long have decided on their app – Slang-a-tang, an app that gives soundbites of people from all over the UK, as well as over the world.

Things are going considerably less smoothly over at the girls’ team, where Susan gets herself into a bit of a mess when trying to pitch her idea. She says something along the lines of “Imagine I’m here, and you’re there. And I’m me and you’re you-” Needless to say, the team are massively underwhelmed with her idea and Project Manager Edna tells her to pipe down, which Susan refuses to do. When she’s finally silenced, Susan sulks in a fashion dissimilar to a spoilt child. It’s impossible to warm to the woman.

The Apprentice, Week 4.

It’s all about inventions this week, as both Apollo and Synergy are told to select two from a bunch of up-and-coming inventions and pitch them to various department stores and shops across the UK.
We’re launched straight into conflict when Jamie and Mel fight for the position of Project Manager. Mel, who was the winning PM last week (although it could be strongly argued that her team won in spite of, rather than because of, her), puts herself forward again, though through a democratic vote it is Jamie who win the position of PM. Jamie looks chuffed, Mel looks extremely irked. On the other team, picking PM is considerably more straightforward; Chris puts himself forward and meets no opposition, winning the position by default.

The teams this week are two select some inventions and try to sell them. We see some of these inventions, which range from the curious to the sublime. There’s bizarre Pilate helpers, a men’s T-shirt that claims to sculpt in the body (for £50? I think not). There’s also a “water and energy-saving showerhead”, which can save a family of four up to £240 a year, which retails at just over twenty quid. Jamie’s team like it it, deciding that it’s “free money”. If they buy over a thousand units, they can get them for £9.95 rather than RRP of "12.95. Lastly, there’s a BabyGlo for off-colour babies, which helps to prevent cot death; when a baby gets too warm, the item of clothing changes colour. Chris is very impressed with it and it’s obviously going to be snapped up by worried parents. Finally, both teams decide to vy for the baby clothing, but only one can get it. It’s Chris’ team who win it, leaving Jamie’s team disappointed. They have to decide on second best, wherein they debate over the shower head and the spade. In the end, they go for both. (Chris’ teams’ second product is the expensive underwear).

The day’s big appointment is to make pitches. The two teams work on their pitches on their cab rides toward their destinations. Jamie, Melissa and Christopher aim to pitch their showerheads first. The department store disregard it straight away, saying they “don’t sell showers”, which leaves Jamie stumped. Melissa jumps in, arguing in favour for it, saying it “does fit in somewhere” and that it “does bring in different buyers”, though she’s talking to a brick wall, which does the team no favours with the Department store. Next, they pitch their spade, and the pitch is somewhat underwhelming, only for them to say they “don’t sell gardening tools.” All in all, a massive fail.

Chris’ team’ pitch for the underwear doesn’t particularly impress the Department store people, but the BabyGlo item noticeably turns their head. They have their questions, but the pitch is quite strong (after all, it is by far the best item), and they leave relatively pleased for their work on the latter. Joanna in Synergy manages to gather interest for the showerhead, but it’s from Leamington Spa, so Jamie sends his sub-team of Stella, Stuart and Melissa up there. Chris’ team then move to test their BabyGlo product on boutiques. The first shopkeeper’s main concern with it is over the packaging. She complains that it is not packaged for a high-end store, despite the product itself being quite innovative. The other half of Chris’ team – Sandeep, Paloma and Laura, go to other baby stores. Sandeep wins “Most Pointless Comment of the Year” by saying “obviously the baby can’t talk to you.” They make a small amount of orders, but Laura complains that her pitch was stolen from her.

Jamie’s team has meanwhile gone all the way down to Portsmouth. They make ten thousand pounds worth of sales, which they’re highly satisfied with. Jamie meanwhile calls Melissa to say that Joanne will be taking 50% of her sales, as it was her that won them the pitch. Melissa certainly isn’t happy about it, but aims to make the greatest batch sale she can. However, the buyer would only take it if the product was around the six pound region, which is half what they’re trying to flog it for. Despite Melissa’s best efforts (read: rambling), it’s a no-go for them. Meanwhile, Chris is trying to sell his BabyGlo outfit by playing the “as mothers…” card with a group of women, and it doesn’t go down particularly well.
It’s success for Sandeesh as she makes £780 worth of sales. They then go to a shop nearby and make a big sale of 200 units, but he’ll only agree to it if they go exclusive within the Soho area, meaning that Sandeesh demands credit for £780 of that sale to make up for the sale she has lost. This triggers off a debate between Paloma and Laura over who gets the credit for the rest of the sale.
In the closing minutes of the day, Jamie’s and Chris’ team run around all over the UK, making closing sales. Both see fairly confident, though Jamie is far from impressed from the other half of his team – Stuart sold nothing, Stella sold 60 showers and Mel, 6 spades. Christopher voices his derision at their “work”, “BOLLOCKS.”

It’s boardroom time, and Alan Sugar asks Synergy what they made of their teamleader Jamie. Generally, they were fairly impressed, though they discuss why it is that they didn’t win the pitch for the BabyGlo product. This was mainly down to Stuart’s rudeness in the face of the pitcher. Alan Sugar then questions why 60 showers were sold for £10, which count as disallowed sales, as this price can only be applied for sales of over 1000. Alan Sugar then talks to Apollo. They, too, have some of their sales discounted, because they offered exclusivity on their BabyGlo product and they weren’t allowed it from the creator.

Number crunching time. For what has to be a first in The Apprentice history, the sales figures are very very high. Synergy make £3790 from one sent of pitches, 0 from the department store ones, and a whopping £63750 in another, amounting to a huge £76518.80, which Jamie looks hugely pleased about. However, his happiness is short-lived in the face of Apollo’s figures a huge total of £122000, chiefly thanks to Liz’s amazing sale skills. I’m a huge fan of Liz, it must be said. She’s the only un-diva of the women in the show, and just goes about her work quietly. Woman will go very, very far. It’s mainly thanks to her that Chris’ team wins, and they are treated to a spa treatment.

It’s but a trick for Synergy, however, and Jamie tries to look gracious, but he can’t hide his disappointment. Joanne and Melissa shout at reach other across the café table. Melissa claims to be a great pitcher, but all we’ve seen is evidence to the contrary. Jamie says he wishes he could take the mini-group Stella, Stuart and Melissa in, as he’s none too impressed with either. The Sub team contributed £897, which is rubbish as a proportion of their overall sales. Stuart won’t accept it though, and still claims to be a great salesman. Karen Brady tells Melissa bluntly that the feedback was that they were “very annoying”, something I echo 100%. Recriminations aplenty follow, and Jamie goes all wordy when questioned on who he wants to bring into the boardroom with him. He goes for Melissa and Stuart, which I think is a bit of a no-brainer, although Melissa stills acts wounded to hear the decision, which makes me laugh.

Once the three of them are in the boardroom, the three turn on each other. When Sir Alan disses Melissa, all she can say is “I appreciate the feedback”, which just makes her appear even more sycophantic than ever. She tries to defend herself by saying “I received a victory as project manager”, but Alan Sugar fairly points out that that win had nothing to do with her. Ha ha ha. Alan Sugar curtly tells Stuart he needs to think before he can talk, but Stuart argues that he’s young (21, only a year older than me! Freaking hell), saying that he’s yet to be PM to exhibit his full skills.

Alan Sugar really scares me (and, no doubt, Jamie), when he winds him up, making it seem like it is Jamie who is getting to get fired, but finally, he sacks Melissa, much to the glee of everyone over the UK, no doubt. She shows herself to be the ungracious goon she is muttering “Well done for ganging up on me” darkly under her breath, and refusing to shake Jamie’s hand when he offers it. When in the cab, she says something stupid like “Karmically they will be reattributed”, which is not even proper English. As for as unlikeable characters in The Apprentice go, Melissa is right up there, and I am so happy she’s finally off our screens. No-one in the house seems to miss her, and, frankly, neither will any of us.

The Apprentice, 2010: Week One.

Finally, it’s here! After (what I felt to be) a very underwhelming series of Junior Apprentice, we’re finally onto the original. Margaret has gone (replaced by Karen Brady), but the rest of the formula is reassuringly familiar. And by that, I mean deluded contestants who are almost swimming in their own stench of arrogance and tasks which bring out said qualities. The challenge this week is to sell sausages, and from the looks of it, the contestants will be making a pigs ear of it.

“Everything I touch turns to sold”, drawls one of the contestants. “Where’s my glass ceiling?” Already, he has established himself as a self-serving, egotistical goon amidst a sea of egotistical goons. The episode kicks in when Sir Alan divides the teams, as per standard, by gender. The first task for both teams is to pick their names. The women, after dallying with an atrocious “Winning Women”, plump for Apollo, because, as said by one of the women, for the Apollo, as for them, “failure is not an option.” The men flit between Fusion and Synergy, before the latter is selected by the majority.

Next up, picking the project managers. Dan Harris, the oldest of the men, puts himself forward straight away, whilst for the women, Joanna volunteers with more reserve. The two teams then have to decide how they’re going to set about selling their sausages, and the types that they’re going to supply. The men opt for bargain basement sausages, whilst the women decide the more delicate approach with gourmet sausages. Already the two project managers are starting to exhibit their true colours; Dan waves his arms around and hollers the f-words repeatedly, whereas Joanna shows her patronizing streak. Karen Brady, observing the men, is far from impressed with Dan, noting that heis “very aggressive.”

“Who the fuck is it?” hollers Dan, in another display of said aggression later on in the show. By now, the two teams have gone to the meat markets, bought their supplies (and on the whole failed to get a good bargain). The women go for some fairly obscure ingredients for their sausages - ham and mint, and chicken and chilli being two of their sausages. When they put all the ingredients into the machine and produce sausages, I must say, the sausages looked like willies initially. Soon, however, Apollo have take-off, and produce sausages that are on their way to looking mildly presentable.

Elsewhere with Synergy, Dan pouts a bit, before throwing his weight around. The boy’s team’s sausages come out of the machine looking like dried faeces; most unappetizing. Jamie Lester, one of the men, is truly unimpressed with his PM, noting that Dan “can’t organise a piss-up in a brewery”. Meanwhile, the women’s sausages are overstuffed with pricey mint, and the two ladies doing the accounts note that Apollo aren’t making as many as they’d hoped.

After that ”night of hard graft”, the women’s sausages are actually looking fairly professional. Unfortunately, when packaged, they look much like the men’s – sausages in a box. To exhibit their higher end ingredients, they must give tasters. The men start selling, telling people that the sausages are “Made by us” - - not really a selling point if you ask me. Synergy hit Portobello market, complete with speakerphone. The deal they’re offering is £3.99 for a pack, 3 packs for a tenner. They are frying samples, which pulls in buyers.

Of Synergy, Stuart Baggs is very eager to let it be known that he sells a lot. “To be honest I sell the most here”, he drawls. When his intrusive selling style is called into question by another team-mate, he gets shirt. “Who’s selling the most?” he demands, with the air of a spoilt child. The women need to recoup their high production costs, but as of yet, they’re not making a great deal of sales. Nick, watching them, observes wryly “You sell the sizzle, not the sausage,” touching on the fact that the women haven’t cottoned on to giving tasters. After a while, they do realise what the cooking utensils next to them are doing. “Better late than never,” he mutters.

The men then try to sell sausages to people in pubs. 90p a sausage, the guy in the pub is not having any of it. Dan just moves his arms about and swears in an attempt to be assertive. Meanwhile, in Apollo, friction is arising - one woman feels she’s being usurped; she’d talked a seller into buying some sausages, but feels that Joanna is hogging the glory by closing the deal. Joanna says that “As long as the deal’s done”, it doesn’t matter who does the selling, but this doesn’t stop the other team-member from moaning. It’s “a matter of professionalism” she complaigns.

The men, for some godforsaken reason, decide that when faced with a huge amount of stock that won’t sell, it’s time to take a stocktake. Even though that’s certainly not goning to make any money. Yet again, Dan continues to bark at his team and wave his right arm about, left hand in apron pocket, as if this proves what a good project manager he is. Dr Shibby Robati, a surgeon, talks about how fed up he is with his project manager’s brash confrontational ways. Soon, the day ends.

Apollo and Synergy enter the Board room. Sir Alan asks them how their names and project managers came about. “I put myself forward”, Joanna says smugly. Then, it’s the moment of truth. Synergy spent more, and made more money than Apollo, but Apollo spent so little that overall, they made £15 more profit than the boys. Nick gives some rare words of encouragement to the women who’d done the numbers, “Stella and Elizabeth are hot on the figures”. True enough; both women didn’t push themselves to the front of the camera, rather, they sat back and carried out their task with diligence and precision. Stella and Elizabeth are two to keep an eye on in a sea of despicable goons.

So, the women win, and are escorted back to their place of residence for the duration of the show – a Georgian townhouse slap bang in the middle of London’s west end. It is gorgeous, complete with a grand piano, a luxury sofa, a modern deco kitchen, sauna, and gym with treadmill. Downstairs, a chef is cooking sausages. Apollo can just about see the funny side, and tuck into (what looks like) some delicious finger food.

As for the men, they come home later, after the celebrations, as Sir Alan Sugar says he’s too tired for the recriminations to begin immediately. Stuart confidently declares “I’m going to take my suitcase in and I am not going to pack a thing. Because I’m not going home.” Once in the board room, the sniping begins immediately. It is revealed that Dan only sold £14 worth, though his defence – and it is a defence he uses many times in the boardroom – is that he was too busy “managing.” When questioned on being “Out of his depth”, he declares “I focussed on being a project manager”. But his teammates aren’t having any of it. One of them chirps that he was like “a bull in a china shop.” “So aggressive and so thuggish”.

Dan decides that he will bring Stuart and Alex into the board room. Once they’re in, Stuart and Dan begin arguing immediately. It is funny, after all that harping on, it turns out Stuart didn’t sell the most. More dissent in boardroom follows, with Dan claiming that he had his hands full Project Managing, and Stuart being sarky in a way that only a 21-year-old can (by the way, it is very hard to believe that he’s only one year older than me, such is his weather-beaten face, making disparaging comments.

In the end, Dan gets fired, which I think is by far and away one of the best firings Alan Sugar has made. He has time to take Stuart down a peg or two, telling him to only speak when he’s being spoken to, and thus ends the first episode of a long-awaited season of The Apprentice. Next week, they’re selling package holidays. BRING IT.


Quote of the episode: a toss-up between:
01. Everything I touch turns to sold
02. My first word wasn’t mummy, it was money
03. I’ve had a similar offer from a Nigerian

Maybe we could start again.

Awww. ILU Philip Taylor!

And... tomorrow, I shall try to actually, y'know *write* something. It's just, revision, ya know...

"A joke."

He's got a mouth on him, but c'mon, so purdy!



Everything I love's being knocked out today.

*shakes head*

The Apprentice, Episode 6

As my good friend, fellow cinephile and moral compass Luke pointed out, The Apprentice has become mandatory hangover watching on a Thursday morning. And this week, on recovering from a (not so) heavy night of boozing (I iz a lightweight) last night, today was no different!



Episode 6
Philip has as sexy little tattoo on his left arm. We see it when he picks up the phone to be told that their next meeting point with Alan Sugar is in West London. They go to Chiswick Auction House, Hounslow, where Sir Alan tells them he's given both teams 10 objects. Their task is to find out the value of them and sell them by 6pm of the same day. But first, the teams are mixed a bit: Ignite take Kate, and Empire take Noorul. Philip is made Project Manager of Ignite, Ben Project Manager of Empire.

Some of the gems in the 10 objects are vintage black women's heels, and a lush Indian rug worth over £200+. There is also a first edition copy of Octopussy by Ian Fleming. Empire's PM, 22-year-old Ben Clarke, wastes no time bigging himself up, "I am a natural born leader." If you say so, mate. At Empire, meanwhile, Philip asks if he and Lorraine can put water under the bridge. "If I'm being a jerk, tell us so I can listen," he offers. Almost immediately, we see him getting fired up, as Lorraine is spending time pouring over rug catalogues, rightly believing their carpet to be one of the gems, but Philip gets irritated, thinking it's a dead end and a waste of time.

As one of the aspiring Apprentices point out, this is one of the more difficult challenges. It involves valuation of the objects, finding the market for the objects, locating the market, and finally, selling it to them. Philip thinks the skeleton is the most valuable object, and they go try a few places, unsuccessfully. At Ignite, Ben is getting agitated in a bookstore. The valuers need time in trying to estimate the books' value, and time is not something the team has. As they walk out, Ben curses darkly under his breath and Debra says matter-of-factly, "They're book people, they wanna waste your time."

Philip is more and more fixated on the skeleton, but Lorraine still hasn't lost hope on the rug, asking if she can make a phone call, only for her suggestion to be disregarded by Philip. Empire have found success at last, getting Octopussy sold for £100. The music from WALL·E plays.

Believing that they are targeting Med students, Philip, Mona and Lorraine wheel a skeleton into a bar near King's College Medical School, and luck should be a lady for them, because they find a bloke willing to part with £160 for it. Elsewhere, Kate flirts her way into selling a crappy self-help book for three quid, and they also get £35 for a signed poster of Frank Lampard (I want!). The jellied eels are less of a success, and they have to let them go for £30.

Meanwhile, we are repeatedly being told that the Indian rug is the most valuable object, so naturally, one just knows that both sides are going to sell it for tuppence. Philip, resolutely refusing to wise up to its worth, carries it through an East End market, and it looks like he and Mona are holding a dead body. Margaret, unable to contain her disdain, voices her disgust - "This is the most stupid activity they have engaged in."

Having rightly getting the skeleton valued at £150+, Ben and Noorul try to flog it to a cash-strapped (and conspicuously old looking) student for £60. Meanwhile, Yasmina and James are roaming the streets of North London trying to sell the rug, only to be told, "Don't waste your time in this area." We're given a hint of Philip's folly when Empire are told "It's a bit expensive for this store." Philip, by the way, is still not having any success with the carpet, and is now just trying to sell it passers by. Margaret mutters "I'm speechless." The display of incompetence in front of her obviously does not bode well for her soul.

There's also a little thing known as a toiletchair to sell. Ben's ponders if they'd make more money just selling it as a chair. "It's very unusual for three smartly dressed people to try and get me to buy a commode chair," admits the pawn shop owner. Ben opines whether they should just give someone cash to take the crapper (literally) off their hands.

Debra's starting to get pissed off by the fact that Yasmina and James only had three things to sell, whereas she, Noorul and Ben have seven. "She's just a bit destructive," mutters Yasmina darkly. Empire have five items still to sell. "Find some nutcase and sell them all to him for a quid," Ben says, of the shoes, which contains a pair worth £100+. Ben's huffing and puffing and not blowing an awful lot down, whilst Debra looks unimpressed and Noorul darts about in the background.

Ignite are still burdened with their rug, as are Empire. In the end, Empire are ripped off £55 for it, from a man who clearly knows that it's worth more than that. Ignite sell theirs to a man in the street for £50. After doing so, Lorraine feels even stronger than ever about the true worth of the rug, and Philip, suddenly realising his mistake, gets all defensive.

Back in the boardroom, Sir Alan Sugar makes the point that in this challenge, the devil is in the detail. Some things, he says, are not much to look at, but are worth quite a bit. Like himself. Ben complains that the task was too difficult and Philip is described as "totally professional" by his teammates, and Alan Sugar ribs him for his Tyne side pronunciation of the word "book" though Lorraine brings up the point that she wanted to dedicate more time on valuing the rug. Margaret notes that she's like the Cassandra of the Team - get it right and nobody notices. Sir Alan asks Philip why her suggestions were ignored, and the Geordie fumbles around giving an answer.

But it's the numbers that matter, and Ignite come out better, a loss of £34 compared to Empire's net loss of £169. Ignite didn't necessarily win, they just didn't lose as hard as Empire did. I'll concede that the teams only had a day to sell a lotta shit, but both teams weren't good at all. And hence, Ignite are sent on their way for an evening of truffle tasting, but not before Sir Alan tells ominously Philip "your mind is like concrete", suggesting, perhaps, for the sexy Englishman to be more open to other people's input in future. During the truffle tasting, btw, we catch glimpses of everyone kissing Lorraine's butt now that it turns out she was right alone. "No one deserves this more than Lorraine," Philip says cheerfully. He's changed his tune!

Back in the boardroom, Ben is resolute that he's going nowhere. Yasmina wonders where they went wrong. Sir Alan Sugar tells them: "Anyone with half a brain cell would have known to sit down and work out what everything was worth first," he barks. They've all miserably failed. Alan Sugar isn't impressed that they put more priority on getting everything sold rather than getting the gems sold for their true value. Debra complains (she's good at complaining) that Yasmina and James had only three objects in their van. "I sold more than they did put together," she asserts, but Nick isn't convinced, making the point that Ben deserves credit on quite a few of the sales. She challenges Nick arrogantly, which, needless to say, raises a lot of eyebrows. Debra wants credit for the sale of the James Bond book as she set up the meeting, but Nick is resolute that "it's closing the deal that matters," in which case, Ben did the talking. Debra's having none of it, snapping at Nick in a dangerously rude way, and Sir Alan is none too impressed.

Unable to put up with any more bickering, Sir Alan puts the question to Ben of who he's going to bring back into the boardroom with him. Ben talks and talks, finally picking Noorul, and James. No wait, he says, changing his mind, I'll have Debra instead. Debra is "well up for" a scrap with PM Ben in the boardroom, and I do think it is unfair for her to be bought back as, for bitchy as she is, she was very proactive on the task.

So, the three of them sit uncomfortably again in front of Sralan, Margaret and Nick. Ben claims "I have the potential to win this". Ben and Noorul argue. Ben gets extremely heated in debate, and Debra says simply, "You were a shoddy project manager." Ben accuses her of being corrosive. She bites back, "There's a difference between being corrosive and being honest, mate," though one just feels that they won't be "mates" for much longer. She makes the point that Ben burdened himself with way too many objects and I agree, I think Yasmina and James should have been give an extra object. Noorul can't make a very good case for himself and ends of just calling Ben volatile and arrogant, which, whilst true, does nothing to help his case. Ben snaps back, but Noorul keeps interrupting. 'Tis all very snarky and entertaining.



Ben, pleading his case to Sir Alan, claims to be a "grafter" and a "good team leader", though the catty look on Debra's face tells otherwise. Noorul gets desperate and brings Ben's desire to be in a magazine shootout into it. Sralan says his bit. Firstly, he puts Debra in her place, before firing Noorul, deservedly. He was a terrible Apprentice, always hovering about in the background and sitting on the fence. There have been idiotic mistakes aplenty by many of the contestants on this show, but at least they did so in trying. Noorul didn't really ever try, just lingered about in the background, and was lucky to get this far.

Personally, I would have loved this task. There was just so much to it, and I would have gotten totally stuck in and out there. Though saying that, I'd probably have been even crapper than any of the contestants in practice.

By the way, next week is revision week and last night was my last night on the piss until exams end on 27th May. The reason I'm telling you this is not because I'm going on a hiatus, but that as I won't be being a drunken loon during evenings any more, my Apprentice reports should be up sooner to the actual broadcast of the show. But not next week's, I'm watching the football then.

The Apprentice, Episode 3.

Week 3. To date, we've had one of each gender fired, leaving us with 13 people now. This week, Alan Sugar chooses to mix the teams up a bit. But first, the show begins, and we see Lorraine looking quite the horror, without a bra or any make-up on, as she makes her way toward the phone. The contestants are told to go to Lee Valley in East London. No-one has any idea where this is and they faff about the location, as we ladies are treated to a rather lovely view of Philip in a red hoodie.

Turns out Lee Valley Athetics Centre is an elite Olympic training ground, and the location is itself an indication as to what the teams are to do this week. But first, a bit of rejigging. Kimberley and Kate are moved to Empire, and Noorul and Philip go over to Ignite. The task? To create a sports product, market it and make sales. The team that makes the most sales of their product is the winner. They have 2 days to design a prototype and sell it.

Ignite need to pick a leader. Lorraine puts herself forward but no-one pays her any real attention. In the end, Debra is elected project manager and she looks extremely smug, her shockingly blue eyes blinking away. Lorraine is none too happy. Over at Empire, meanwhile, James reckons this week is a "potential banana skin". The Irish fella Ben, bearer of one of the most slappable faces, is clearly a bit too sex-obsessed, and immediately launched into his "sex sells" speech. Back at Ignite, Naomi grabs hold of one of her teammates' legs, as if doing this will create a sports utility. More silly suggestions are thrown round before Philip disregards them, "I want me abs to look good," he declares. He then proceeds to girate randomly whilst his jaws gurn away.

James' team discuss a tricep dip and Ben does a bizarre demonstration that can only be likened to attempting to bung his chair. James then splits his team, putting Ben in charge of design. BINGOBUSTER, they say. Kimberley lol's. Howard suggests "Wingworker" as another name. I lol.

Sexy cello music plays as we are told that it is now 11am. Debbie's team still haven't decided. Philip is still carrying on with his over-physical demonstrations. Naomi suggests an ankle-exerciser of some kind, to which Phil says in his thick Geordie brogue, "We need to get past the foot thing." He's plugging a piece of foam cube that he's scribbled down with biro on his notepad, but on meeting with the experts, they are told that it does nothing for peoples' fitness levels. How difficult is it to find something that hasn't been done before? Ignite ask. 'Tis kind of the point...


Three of the girls go shopping for gym clothes to wear in their photo shoot. They peruse through the footwear section, holding up a nice-looking Adidas pair and another, very ugly pair. Yasmina suddenly has an epiphany: "We've got a fairly good looking guy in the group, why don't we use him?" She pitches this idea to Debbie, also saying that the photoshoot already has one ethnic minority in Mona, and asks if Philip can be in it instead of Noorul, because he's "you know, quite good-looking, and stuff." Phil suppresses a happy grin. Debbie, however, isn't having any of it. "I don't live in fucking Vietnam", she screeches, before making what can only be a speech for the politically correct masses about how anyone can be in the photoshoot, regardless of their nationality. Shifty eyes from Philip.

Empire are told that the product that makes the most sales is the chin up bar. "Not gimmicky enough", Ben says, though the team are told to keep it simple, such as a simple pull-up bar. The message is clear: don't over-complicate things.

2.45pm, and an idea still isn't formed. "The bum ball", Philip says loudly, before moving about again. On the other team, Ben has clearly ignored advice to keep it simple. He wants springs. He wants rubber. He wants everything but the kitchen sink in there. It's going to be a late night, apparently.

Back at the house, everyone on Empire does a hands-in a la Power Rangers. James is last to put his hand in, looking apprehensive. 7am the next day. The Bumball idea has been developed into something called the Body Rocka, a neat little board mounted on a round ball which can exercise most parts of the body. Mona makes lots of love sounds as she finds her way around it. Empire's product is less compact, the Home Multitone; it looks absolutely massive and very clunky, not more 19th century than 21st century. Ben Clarke doesn't see this, however, "I've come up with a bloody great product", he declares. "I've actually shocked myself." James does not seem as happy about it.

Next is pitching their product, to which Lorraine puts herself forward to do it for Ignite. She's quite duff in the trial run, using generic words like "Reassign" and "Innovative" (btw, I'm pretty sure she pronounced innovative wrong, at least, it's completely different from how I pronounce the word), and Debbie looking none too impressed. Lorraine claims you can carry the Body Rocka in your handbag; no you bunging can't! And she also uses the phrase "stable stability." Hmm. Debbie pretty much admits she doesn't think much of Lorraine's pitching skills, admitting that if the product wasn't as strong as it was, she probably wouldn't put Lorraine in charge of the pitch.

Next to give a soundbite is the increasingly self-assured Ben, who reckons he's the best looking geezer on his team. "I have at least graced a gym," he says proudly. Kate tells us that she's "low maintenance on the nail front", before giving a bit of bizarre advice: wearing fake tan means you don't need to bung on foundation. As someone who wears neither, I really wouldn't know.

In the photoshoot, Ben is told to be "a little less QVC." If you ask me, the facial expression he's sporting in the shoot is not dissimilar with that of someone taking a dump. Ben's shot: not that great at all. Over at Ignite's photoshoot, Debbie is driving everyone mad. Yasmina is the one with the camera, but Debbie just has to make her voice heard on everything. "Deborah is not much fun to work with", Yasmina sighs. We can see that! Nick watches silently as Deborah barks away at everyone. Next, Philip sports a navy suit, light blue shirt and red tie. HOT. Lorraine works on her pitch: Dumballs, Dumbells. And Deborah gathers everyone. "C'mon troups," she says sharply, expecting everyone to follow her.

The pitch. Maj chews away on a silver pen. Lorraine speaks as if she's entertaining a particularly dim child. James' team pitch, making the bold and downright incorrect claim that one can "easily" assemble their product. They certainly prove this point when the thing needs assembling twice 'cos it's so clunky. Class. Back to the Body Rocka, Lorraine is so boring that she's inducing Mona to spread her legs for some reason. Paula (a woman who's been somewhat of a non-entity in this episode) and Yasmina bite their lips. Philip, however, is extremely excited. "This is the iPod of fitness products", he says proudly, before the group sing some N*Sync. I say sing, it's more like a cacophony of cats screeching.

James & co head to John Lewis. The two men there look like they're trying extremely hard not to laugh in the faces of Empire. Third pitch round, Lorraine is still as boring as ever. John Lewis asks Ignite what it'll take to get exclusivity of the Body Rocka. No-one's thought about this and they stare at each other confusedly. Finally, Yasmina throws a number in: 20,000 of them. But the soft-spoken bloke is not impressed with such a poor deal. On the other pitch, Ben is lapping it up and shows off his press-up skills and colourful socks in equal measure. "Wee bit 1970s".

The moment of truth, boardroom time. Standing in the waiting room, a lot of the women have their arms crossed. Deborah rolls her mascaraed eyes. In the boardroom, Sir Alan walks in and takes his seat. "Good team leader?", he asks Empire regarding James. Ben doesn't answer, instead, he moves his head non-distinctly. "What does that mean?" Sir Alan asks, mimicking him. Hee. James pipes up unsurprisingly, saying he wasn't happy with the end product. The same question from Sir Alan is asked to Ignite. "Yeah, she was OK", Mona says. Debbie looks unimpressed, like she feels she deserves more.

Ignite are asked what they thought of their pitch. Debbie makes a veiled dig at Lorraine, saying that she gave 110% effort. There's no such thing as 110% effort, Sir Alan snipes, before Phil steps in and defends Lorraine. I thought this was a lovely gesture, especially as her pitch wasn't up to much at all, but by Philip defending her, he prevented everyone else from quickly jumping on the anti-Lorraine bandwagon.

Numbers time. From Powerhouse, Empire received no orders, Ignite, 80. From Totally Fitness, Empire received no orders, Ignite, 100. Not looking too good for James' team. Finally, John Lewis. They made 500 orders for the Home Multione (heaven knows why), and of Ignite's product, they order... 10,000. That was a heart in mouth time for Ignite, as Nick had sadistically taken his time in revealing the figures. As a prize to Ignite for winning, they are rewarded a personal concert from Katharine Jenkins in Kenwood House. Ignite are very, very happy.

As for Empire, it's squeaky bum time for all involved. "The Empire doesn't strike back," Sir Alan notes wryly. The team go to the dingy Bridge Cafe, wherein they mourn the "upside down telly with a couple of springs hanging down from it", also known as the Home Multitone. At the same time, Katharine Jenkins is serenading Ignite. Yasmina seems to be holding hands with another female teammate. Licky licky subplot in The Apprentice, maybe? Who cares, 'cos Philip is wearing a V-neck and looking damn bungable in doing so, whilst Lorraine looks a bit like Tina Fey.

In the waiting room, Empire sit about as the tense xylophone tune plays the same pattern of 8 note repeatedly. Back in the boardroom, and Alan Sugar says he "doesn't know what to call it really." Grimace. James looks like he's sharting (Philip Seymour Hoffman in Along Came Polly: when you're trying to fart, but end up... ahem). James wastes no time in getting the blame game started, blaming Ben. Kim looks like the sight of the box makes her physically ill. Sir Alan Sugar takes his time, going round the table and laying into each of the team. To Howard (looks like a cross between Tom Hollander with Jonathan Rhys-Myers' eyes), who has been noticeably absent this week, he says "sitting on the fence can get you a sore arse." This is why I love The Apprentice! Turns out that the best thing Powerhouse thought of Empire's pitch was that they took their product away at the end. Ha!

Maj turns on James. James turns on Maj, "he was just here for the ride." It's all very entertaining, semi-car crash TV. James talks and talks some more. Finally, the decision is made, and, joining James in the boardroom will be Ben and Maj. The latter is described by Margaret as "hanging around like a spare part." Sir Alan notes than Ben hasn't had a nice thing to say about anybody else (a fact epitomized on The Apprentice: You're Fired when the charming Irishman chats away about how "obese" he thinks the rest of his team are.) Maj and Ben both think James should go, but the garrulous man isn't going without a fight, accusing Ben of making a bad product due to not developing it and accusing Maj of "hanging around in the periphery." Maj's rebuttal to this is that he wasn't delegated any large enough roles and Ben does a more than forceful and articulate job of sticking up for himself. Lots of shouting ensues, resulting in Ben telling James to "shut up for a second" and the 32-year-old James on the verge of tears.

In the end, Maj is fired for not contributing enough. "You were so far out the door you don't know", James is told. Apparently it was Margaret that got him to stay. I think this was a bit of a mistake, for, whilst Maj wasn't portrayed to be one of the hardest workers, he did get all his jobs done, and efficiently too. Maj looks gutted to leave, but Sir Alan has always made it clear that The Apprentice is "not here to carry passengers."

Back at the house, the consensus is that Ben should have gone. Howard finally makes some worthwhile input, which is that Ben was far too preoccupied with the whole sex sells thing. Debbie tells Empire brashly "your failure is my success." The door opens and James and Ben come in. Cue lots of excited screaming from most of the party, though Philip, sat on the couch, looks gutted that his dear friend Maj has been bunged off.

Wednesdays = my favourite day for TV!

The Most Hilariously Cringey Moments in Series 4 of The Apprentice.

It ended over a week ago, but I’m still in heavy The Apprentice-mood. Here are my picks for the funniest/most embarrassing moments in the series:

01.The 24-hour hotline for laundry.
02. Kevin's analogy of the US not caring about global warming.
03. Michael's supposed Jewishness.
04. "It's like I've had to breast feed you."
05. Lee's spelling on his application form.
06. "If you don't pull your weight you're going to the boardroom, simple as that"
07. Raef saying his words are his tool .
08. "Who loves their tissues? Do you love your washing up liquid?"
09. Losing people's clothes in the laundry task
10. Michael begging in the boardroom
11. Jenny getting bored when talking about the product she pitched.
12. Michael stalking the guy to try and flog him an hour in the Ferrari.
13. “I’m only 24!” Yes Alex, we know. You only said about 1000 times
14. Michael trying to explain where half the pizza went.
15. The pathetic acting in the Atishu advert
16. Lee's Atishu pitch
17. Sara's crappy attempts to sell wedding cake.
18. "Excuse me, have you heard of a Zoner?"