HE'S GOT THAT ONE THING.

Peter Crouch, LADDDD.

TV recap: THE APPRENTICE series 8 episode 1, BLANK CANVAS

“In business, times are tough. Investment, hard to come by” is the ominous voiceover, as we enter the new series of The Apprentice. True to form, the show kickstarts by showing us footage of some arrogant idiots taking absolute guff, “I will literally roar my way to the top”, brags one lady, as a guy brags “I have a habit for pulling people’s strings and making them do what I want.” 

We ain't got no his-to-ree.

Last night, against all the odds, Chelsea overcame their 3-1 first leg deficit against Napoli to win 4-1 at Stamford Bridge, 5-4 on aggregate, to go through to the quarter finals of the Champions League. They gave a tremendous performance, easily one of their finest of what has been an otherwise highly disappointing season. Roberto di Matteo, the interim manager, picked the side that many feel AVB, his hapless predecessor should have chosen (aside from John Terry, who was injured three weeks ago). He stuck with the old guard of Lampard, Terry, Drogba, Cole. These men, and all the other Chelsea players, repaid him in kind with a team effort that was nothing short of Olympian.

The game began cagily for Chelsea; Napoli’s attacks were plentiful and incisive. The Italian side, very much the flavour of the month due to their ultra-attacking 3-4-3 formation, looked to cause Chelsea problems from every angle and Cech made several good saves when the match was hanging at 0-0. Indeed, so against the run of the play was Drogba’s goal at 28th minute that it felt like a total surprise.

The goal, a bullet header from Drogba following a smart cross from Ramires, knocked the wind out of Napoli’s then full-power sails and Chelsea looked galvanized. Before half-time Sturridge could have made it 2-0 on the night if not for some errant finishing.

Napoli, for all their fluid play, had one notable Achilles heel, and that was that when the ball was crossed into their area. This was exemplified two minutes into the second half, when Frank Lampard’s – so notably absent from the starting XI that lost 3-1 in Naples – crossed and John Terry, back from injury, got his head on the end of it. Two headers for Chelsea, two goals on the night, the tie stood at 3-3, with the West Londoners going through on the away goals rule.

But such was Napoli’s potency that nobody doubted they would score at least one on the night. And indeed, eight minutes after Terry put Chelsea ahead in the tie for the first time since Juan Mata’s goal in Naples had given Chelsea some short-lived joy, it was the Englishman’s own haphazard clearance that found Inler. Inler let the ball bounce then positioned his foot perfectly to strike it accurately, and hard, to go through Lampard’s legs and into the back of the Chelsea net. 2-1 on the night, with Napoli 4-3 ahead on aggregate.

With legs getting tired and Chelsea running out of time – if they scored it would simply bring the game to extra time – Di Matteo took of Sturridge, who had ran his legs off in the game and bought on Chelsea’s £50million Fernando Torres. Torres’ pricetag will not be lost on anyone, least of all him, and the fact that he has gone 24 hours without scoring can not be good for his confidence either, but the Spaniard gave a terrific account of himself – complete with Nike headband – when he came on, chasing lost causes and displaying terrific ball retention.

Then on 75 minutes, when Branislav Ivanovic – playing so attacking that he had been perennially in the Napoli penalty area throughout – met a corner with his head, Napoli’s Dossena was judged to have handled it. Frank Lampard stood up to take the penalty, one of the most pressured ones of his life, and with the expressionless precision of a cinematic Clint Eastwood hitman smashed it down the middle. The Napoli goalkeeper got quite close to it, but such was the power of the drive that it hit the back of the net. 3-1 on the night to Chelsea, 4-4 on aggregate, with extra time in place.

With the painful memories of Moscow, penalties were the last thing Chelsea wanted. After all, Juan Mata had just recently had one saved in the FA Cup against Birmingham (he had also missed in the home game too, up against the same goalkeeper). The ITV commentators informed us that this season, Chelsea had been awarded 9 penalties, and only 4 of them had been scored. It didn’t look good. So Chelsea wanted to win the game in extra-time.

And on the stoke of half time in ET, they were blessed when Branislav Ivanovic was left unmarked in the Napoli penalty area. A cross from Drogba found his right foot and he struck it with a striker’s finish to find the back of the net. Chelsea and Stamford Bridge celebrated riotously and it was just reward for a team who had really given their all that evening.

But Chelsea knew that they could not rest on their laurels in the final 15 minutes, because should Napoli get just one goal, they would be through on the away goals rule. As such, it was all hands to the pump to run down the clock and prevent Napoli from obtaining possession. Didier Drogba revisited his younger, petulant self and gave some fabulous play-acting performances that both riled the opposition and entertained Chelsea fans. Crucially, his diving worked, as more times than not the referee fell for it and it helped use up precious seconds.

The Ivorian could have dusted the game off in the last minute of extra time, when Malouda gave him a peach of a cross, but the 34-year-old Ivorian, who had played all 120 minutes of this thriller, miscued his shot.

No matter. Chelsea saw the game through and when the referee blew his whistle for the end of the game, the celebrations at Stamford Bridge were a picture. Roberto di Matteo ran onto the pitch and embraced and each and everyone of his players, who had played like Spartans tonight. Chelsea knew that they would have to be nothing short of Herculean last night to overcome a two-goal deficit against a spirited Napoli side, and indeed, plaudits have to go to Napoli, who despite losing 4-1, still played marvellously.

Individually, I couldn’t be more proud of the Chelsea players. John Terry truly shone, he led from the back, scored a crucial goal and threw his body on the line to prevent every single Napoli attack. Frank Lampard, so criticised for his role in AVB’s departure from Chelsea, was deployed as a defensive midfielder in di Matteo’s 4-2-3-1 formation and even though it was a role he is not all that accustomed to, played wonderfully, making some tackles that Makelele, the quintessential Chelsea defensive midfielder, would have been proud of. Lampard also showed true grit to take the penalty; he has missed from the spot twice this season for Chelsea, but was unfazed by the past and merely looked to the future as he struck the ball. Didier Drogba, almost anonymous up until he scored, then became the powerhouse Drogba that opposition sides have grown to fear. David Luiz, who’s performance in the first leg was riddled with defensive errors, seemed to have settled in much better with John Terry alongside him, and he, too, made some fabulous interceptions. Even more impressive is that in the dying moments of the game, fatigue clearly got the better of him, but true to the Chelsea cause, he soldiered on. Ashley Cole, Ramires, Torres, Essien, too, were all immense. It truly was a team effort and the smile as wide as the sun on Roberto di Matteo’s face told as much.

Chelsea have had a very turbulent season. Whether or not they’ll even finish in the top four remains to be seen, but considering we have tricky fixtures against City, Spurs, Arsenal and Liverpool to come, I’m not holding my breath. Furthermore, should Chelsea draw Real Madrid, Munich, Barcelona or AC Milan in the CL, they are likely to exit the CL in the quarter finals. But they deserved their moment last night; the Chels showed everything that was good about the team, in a fantastic game that will surely go down in European history. Chelsea are now the only English team left in the Champions League, and after a performance as special as that, the squad can dare to dream.

There's no such thing as broken Britain, we're just bloody broke in Britain.

If you do one thing today, listen to Plan B's latest track, ill Manors:

The track opens with him sarcastically broken a violin, metaphorically symbolising the stream of sob stories - how the Conservative/Lib Dem coalition perceive the impoverished in Britain, most probably. 

Indeed, such was the media coverage of the Summer riots starting in London last Summer, that fingers were all being pointed at the perpetrators. Not a word of doubt, they were wrong to loot. But Plan B implores us to look at the other side of the coin too:

The world, and this country especially, is full of contradictions. I’m just highlighting them, I’m not condoning anything. The point being made in my song ‘ill Manors’ is that society needs to take some responsibility for the cause of last year's riots, why they happened and how we can prevent it from happening again.

The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed.

It was the lads yesterday, and now, here come the girls. And what beautiful girls they are!

10. Rooney Mara

If it were up to me, Miss Mara would have won Best Actress at the Oscars this year instead of Meryl Streep. Noomi Rapace's excellent performance in the original The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo takes some beating, but Mara gave her own wonderful spin on one of the most unique literary characters. Her current jet-black bob is an unusual haircut, definitely, but such are her striking features and slender frame, that she pulls it off, and then some.

09. Troian Bellisario

All the four leads in Pretty Little Liars are absolutely stunning, and Aria, with her big doll eyes and Hannah, with her classic blonde-hair-blue-eyes combination, could probably be considered the more "obvious" pick than Spencer Hastings. But Spencer is the smart, preppy one of the group, the one who always has to call the shots whilst the others panic, and Troian Bellisario exudes this beauty&brains combination perfectly.

08. Naya Rivera

Glee has been nothing short of a mess this series, but the only bright spot is that Santana is being allowed more solos, because Naya Rivera has the voice - and the star power - to justify it. She's incredibly versatile in her vocal range, owns the badass character, and if I had a millionth of the amount of sass this Queen had, I'd be happy. Werq!

07. Mila Kunis

My main obsession point with Kunis is the thing that Justim Timberlake's character in Friends with Benefits highlights: her big, beautiful eyes. Wow. ♥

06. Emma Stone

One word: charisma!!! Emma Stone has it in spades. She made Easy A with her loveable facial expressions and deadpan deliveries and has all the makings of a fine comedic actress. Plus, from interviews and stuff, she seems like an absolute hoot to be mates with.

05. Rihanna

As with Grint on yesterday's list, she's pretty much guaranteed tenure on my girlcrush list due to the fact that so many of her hits are amongst my favourites to dance to in nightclubs! Last year she went redhead, and I think it suited her deliciously.

04. Selena Gomez

Miss Gomez is actually younger than me, but I don't care. I think she's wonderful, she has the best outfits in all her photos, and I love how willing and ready she is to smile for the camera! After all, the smile, as we all know, is the sexiest curve on a woman's body. :)

And... it's a three way tie for first place! ;)

01. Dianna Agron

Dianna is divine. ♥ I've pretty much waxed lyrical about everything I can say about her, but seriously guys, those hazel eyes. WOW.

01. Frankie Sandford

The absolute only thing Miss Wayne Bridge needs to train is to have better taste in men! Queen.

01. Lana del Rey

A new entrant, and straight to number one! I am genuinely baffled by the backlash Lana has received; her history as Lizzy Grant doesn't hinder or help my opinion of her whatsoever - plenty of musicians have stage names. As for picking holes in her live performances, I just put that down to nerves, and believe she will better with experience. The fact of the matter is, her songs themselves are stunning, absolutely stunning, and Off to the Races is one of the most layered songs I've ever heard, seriously. And then there's her lips. I really am not fussed if they're fake; I think they look stunning.

Baby if you love me, take me to the gas station.

Alright, obligatory list is bloody obligatory. Bung's Crushes of 2012. Then I'll come back at the end of the year and cringe at my terribad taste. ;)

10. Frank Lampard

The one, the only. The man who is a strong contender for my favourite player of all time, just so happens to be one of the most handsome. His distinctive, gorgeous green-blue eyes is just one of the many things that I love about him second only to his countless goals for Chelsea. (Bonus swoon factor: Scotty Parker ain't looking too bad in this gif, either.)

09. Harry Styles

Not sure that I'm actually allowed to fancy this boy seeing as I'm not twelve years old, but oh well, the heart wants what it wants. One flash of Styles' cheeky-chappy grin and my knees go weak. HELLO SAILOR.

08. Joe Hart

Nobody, but nobody, chews gum with more swagger than Joseph Hart. England's Number 1 is also a damn good goalkeeper, and the amount of shameless PDA he has with his City captain Vincent Kompany only goes to boost the beautiful, blonde-haired, blue-eyed lad's appeal. Don't ever stop, boys!

07. Rupert Grint

Mr Grint is pretty much guaranteed tenure on this top 10 list, on the basis that I touched his hand when he was at the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2 premiere in Leicester Square, haha. But how can you not love a bit of Rupert Grint? Those wide blue eyes, the striking red hair, and best of all, the fact that he seems like a total laugh to hang out with. Love. <3

06. Jamie Redknapp

Mr M&S needs to train not to make such duff adverts, to drop the fake London accent and not to say embarrassing things on Sky (he thought Suarez was right not to shake Evra's hand, lolwut), and is probably too stupid to ever tax evade, but, unf. Those cheekbones, those eyes, not to mention that nobody, but nobody, werqs a suit better than Jimmy Redknapp. So after everything I just said, he literally doesn't need to train. Wheyyyy.

05. Zayn Malik

The second One Direction member on this list, and not the last either. I regret nothing. One Direction may not have anything new to contribute  to the music industry (although What Makes you Beautiful is a delightfully simple ditty), but the fact that they have three of the most beautiful men on the planet in their group more than makes up for it. Honestly, Zayn's face... *swoon*

04. Ryan Gosling

The Gosling bug hit me when I was watching The Ides of March. I still maintain that he's an older, American, more talented version of Tom Felton, something that absolutely nobody agrees with. But let's just agree that he's an exceptionally versatile and talented actor, who is so very, very fine.

03. Louis Tomlinson (second from the right)

Um, yeah, Louis. *swoons* There are a lot of hot boys in 1D, but the thing about this boy that pushes my buttons even more than Harry and Zayn is the boy-next-door look he sports. In fact, whenever I look at Louis, I see the fact of this boy who I once *adored*. Now, me likening the two of them is probably delusion but there you go. Anyway. Louis.

02. Jose Mourinho

When Jose and Chelsea parted after a spat too many with RA, I won't lie to you, it was like a divorce. I couldn't think about anything our special one. And make no mistake, he is still special. AVB came along and he did an admirable imitation, but he could never quite fill Jose's shoes; the original Special One will always be the blueprint. Haughty, self-serving, Machiavellian, and prone to chatting B/S on more than one occasion, but so, so entertaing with it. A bit craggy now compared to his fine-as-fuq Chelseabung does, but, you still would.

01. Peter Crouch

CROUCHIEBUNG. *____* Between my first getting a crush on him in 2006, so much as gone on and changed in my life, but my devotion to the 6'7" giant has remained constant. I just love the sight of Crouchie smiling, and hope, more than anything, that this loveable sweetheart can come to the Euros this year. Crouchie, to quote Shakira, Tu más que nadie merece ser feliz

And that's that! Ladies tomorrow. :DDDD

First day of the month nostalgia.

Just a little something I'm going to start on this blog: a walk down memory lane on the 1st of every month!