Sunday, September 06, 2009

X Factor 2009 - Episode 3

Yesterday's episode started with the Manchester auditions. The first guy we meet, Allan, tells us he is a bartender in a 4 star hotel in Wrexham, which is more than a bit of a plug. When he signs "When the Going Gets Tough", he is both out of tune, and forgets most of the words. His dancing is also terrible, Danni likens it to being electrocuted. The panel are not impressed, but he takes the criticism well and goes on his way. Next, is a middle aged guy, Gurdip, doing Pussycat dolls. Terribly. He must have been auditioned for the banter, because I don't know how he could have seen that it wasn't terrible. Then there's a guy who tries to cover Dolly Parton, but fails. The bad performances are topped off with a guy who dubs himself G.W.S., real name, Ian. He tries to sing "Can't Touch This." He is 25 and unemployed, and following his performance, I honestly can't think why. The outfit is as lol-worthy as his singing and dancing, yet, Simon gets booed for simply speaking the truth and saying that he's not very good. See, this is why I'm not sure about the live audiences; without it, Simon could probably get to be more honest and scathing toward the duff performances. Eh.

Next, we go to Cardiff in Wales, where X-Factor fever has clearly run this town. We see fish stalls with "Cowell's Cods" and vegetable markets selling "Louis' Leeks", which are so deliciously naff and kitsch. Our first audition is a three man group, two girls and a boy from Sixth Form, who call themselves 2 Gorgeous 4 Words. Hmmm, I sort of beg to differ. They attempt to cover "Let's Hear it for the Boy", and are SO out of tune. Simon gives them their marching orders and the more outspoken member of the threesome spits "We think we're excellent so it doesn't matter what they think." Um, ok then. *pats head*

Next, a girl called Ashanti sings "I'm Going Down" by Mary J. Blige. Whilst she's good, Simon comments (rightly) on her lack of stage presence, which is met with boos. As ever, Cheryl, Danni and Louis are in agreement that they love her. Even Simon gives a begrudging yes. "You're always grumpy in Wales", Louis remarks. We then have Daniel Williams singing "Let it Be" by The Beatles, which is quite good for a 19-year-old. High School Musical music snakes into the background. We're then treated to a sob story/cheesy quote moment to the music of "I'm not a Girl, Not yet a Woman" whilst various people talk about how winning X-Factor would change their lives. Well, duh!

Now it's the turn of a pretty girl from a Welsh village in a nice dress but fugly gladiator sandals. She's called Lucie, and looks slightly older than her age, which we're told is 18. She sings "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston, which Simon questions the choice of. I would never dare attempt because it is just such a massive gamble; sounds amazing if you get it right, but will easily sound awful if you get it wrong. She gets it right - although she hits the high note with tentativeness, she still gets it right. Straight after the performance is over, we get the usual X-Factor cheesy music stint. Cheryl gets it spot on when she says she "loved the vulnerability" of the performance, and that, despite Lucie being a sure talent, the girl wasn't aware of her own amazing skill. And Simon gives the highest accolade so far, "I really, really like you." These words are like gold from him.

We then get a wee bit of a pisstaker who does three songs, all made-up, "Beef and Onion Crisps", "The Lonely Lama" and "Shepperd's Pie 'til I Die." I am serious, he actually sings these songs. Simon gets completely exasperated. Another welsh lad, Gareth, sings, or shall I say, bastardizes, "Angels" by Robbie Williams. Bung.

Lloyd, a chirpy-looking schoolboy then begins his rendition of "I'm Yours", and although he has an OK voice, we just know from the off that this is not the song for him. Cheryl stops the audition and everyone boos. Louis asks for another song, and, like Shaheen on his audition for Britain's Got Talent this year, he excels a secod time round. By the by, this lad is 16, and he has a tattoo on his wrist! Is that legal? I want a tattoo.

X-Factor hits staged heights when Kirsty and Jack, a duo who used to date but, we are told have now broken up, bung on. He's wearing a Liverpool T-shirt. Not a Liverpool strip, more a T-shirt with the Liverbird on it. Aaaanyway, they're called Combined Effort and tell the panel that they used to be engaged, but he broke the engagement off because they were just pissing each other off too much. "Are you comfortable with performing together?" is the question they're asked, to which he gives a sweet but rather cliche reply of "I'd rather have a friend than not at all", which unsurprisingly evokes a massive aww from the audience. After all that backstory, the singing, when it comes, is atrocious. He even stops in the middle of it because he's so bad. Cheryl's acting as if it's the cutest thing ever. "Nothing's gonna stop us now", they screech, as Simon stops them. The panel give their thoughts - which is that the singing wasn't very good, but this takes a backseat to their thoughts on the couple's relationship, which is that it could still work. And surprise surprise, the two walk away, in love again. Bless... NOT. You can check out the staged cheesiness here:

The X-Factor panel have just touched down in London town, and 17 year old girl studying for her A-levels. She sings "And I'm Telling You" by Beyonce, which is the song in which Beyonce actually got to show her amazing pipes. "Is she good?" Dermot asks her mates, watching off-stage, and she is, according to them. In fact, she is rather good. After that, we get the worst Mariah Carey singing ever - and he gets two gos at it, sadly. Simon lays into him and again, gets booed for it.
So, what did I learn from yesterday's episode of X-Factor? Well, that they stage things, that some people audition for the lulz and that Cheryl is pretty. So really, I didn't learn anything new at all. But, it was very entertaining/embarrassing, and I needed to chillax a bit after biting my nails off all the way through the Republic of Ireland football match, so it's all good!


Anonymous said...

hey if you watch the repeat of this episode on ITV player, can u tell me the music played round 2:56, its really bugging me.


anahita said...

so far this was the most boring episode of x factor. No one really amazing came on. however, that couple were absolutely hysterical. And at points I do feel sorry for simon cowell. He tries to be nice I think - but some of the stuff people do - you can't blame him for getting fed up. bless

Phate said...

That Ashanti girl was shitttttt....she'll never win

Ghocheng said...

Well,,i hope someday x factor will bring more talented people to the show

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Reiffnmsm said...

Well,,i hope someday x factor will bring more talented people to the show