Saturday, February 14, 2009

Worst Films of 2008.

Now, Emmabung watches quite a high quantity of trash - some of it out of curiosity, some of it out of hope (after all, if I don't watch it, how will I know if it was a masterpiece or not?), some of it for the lulz. The following films are the cream of the crop of crap.

10. Space Chimps
Animated films got a good runout in 2008, save this piece of turd. The animation looks like something I could have wangled together for a GCSE DT project, the plot is boring, script contrived, and monkeys downright irritating. Plus, it's a U-rated film, and the filmmakers managed to slip a little message about BJs, the paedos. Even my 10-year-old brother Tom, who is entertained by pretty much anything, was unimpressed by this crappy ditty.

09. Lady Godiva
"Like Lady Godiva, I'm gonna go, go, go, there's no stopping me!" blasts the lyrics of Queen's Don't Stop Me Now, one of the most played songs in the nightclubs at Bath. Well, I bloody well wish someone had stopped Vicky Jewson from making this piece of shite, about a red-haired and flat-chested simpleton who rides through town naked on a horse to avoid paying taxes. Poor Miss Jewson is only 21 and this is her first effort at filmmaking so we'll let it pass, but if I see another film as poor as this again, I'll be having words with whichever misguided fool allowed the funding for her projects.

08. Gomorra
Boring, choppy, turgid and unintentionally hilarious from start to finish, I got absolutely nothing from Gomorra - weeks on, I was still left thinking that they were the SPANISH mafia, ffs. Somewhat of a media darling when released in London, but you just know that if this wasn't a foreign arthouse release, it would have been slated. Waste of time and space.

07. Angus, Thongs, And Perfect Snogging
Let the record be known that I do not begrudge teenage girls for leading happier lives than me. And I love my teen movies, I do - from 2008 alone, the Sisterhood of the Travelling pants II was lovely, Wild Child was crap but highly enjoyable, and Step Up II: the Streets was one of the best films of the year. But feck me, it was a struggle to sit through this. Georgina's a self-involved little so-and-so who devotes her life to chasing this camp and squeaky-voiced band member who has recently joined her school. Such is the importance on snogging someone she barely knows, she shuns her daughterly duties, uses her mates on a whim and whines so much you'd think she was trying to audition for the part of Clare off Heroes. The soundtrack to this film is such a masterpiece (second best soundtrack of the year, honest), that it hurts my soul that it's accompanying such a bad picture.

06. The X-Files: I Want to Believe
Quite what did you do to piss off your agents to get into this mess, David and Gillian? X-Files used to be such a beguiling, impressive show. TV-to-big-screen transitions rarely work out fluidly, and they usually turn out to be hugely disappointing to the loyal devotees of the original series. But that doesn't mean the film can't still be watchable (case in point - SATC: The Movie; very much less good than the TV show, but still entertaining), as long as the cast and crew you know, bother. Well, no-one bothered with this, and as a result, a more apt title should have been: The X-Files: I Want to Leave the Cinema.

05. Cassandra's Dream
So shockingly bad that it came to the UK a whole year later than it should have, this was a truly painful watch. Ewan McGregor and Colin Farrell do London accents about as well as I do Second Order Differential Equations, Allen preens over London to a point where it grates (it's really not that pretty, dear), the dialogue between the brothers wouldn't be out of place on Chucklevision, and the story has more plot holes than you can shake a stick at. Vicky Cristina Barcelona went a small way toward atoning for this piece of cinematic gash (particularly Cruz's radiant performance), but Manhattan seems a distant, distant memory now.

04. Funny Games
I was well excited when I saw Funny Games, it being one of the first 18-rated films I was legally watching in the cinema. And what a disappointment. Not that I ever was the greatest fan of Haneke's '97 original, but, maybe, knowing what to expect just made the experience an even more painful one. I really am struggling to name any redemptive qualities about it; when the audience larfs at moments of supposed "tension", you know you're in a wee bit o' trouble.

03. Blindness
My biggest disappointment of the year. I'd been eagerly anticipating Blindness long before I read the novel, based on the curious trailer and the cast and crew involved: Moore, Ruffalo, Bernal, Mierelles. On reading the powerful and gut-wrenching novel, trepidation hit me: how, I wondered, were they going to adapt such a strong novel into celluloid? Very poorly was the answer - Julie didn't cut it in a fatsuit, there were cheap shocks aplenty ala audience manipulation, the screenplay was beyond woeful and I shall never look at Gael Garcia Bungnal the same way ever again. Plus, the pretension. Oh the pretension. Let's not be coy about this, I'm not exactly an unponcy girl, but dear Lord, Blindness was more pretentious than listening to Wagner on your Apple computer whilst sitting in a VW and reading Anna Karenina. Blindness? I wish I'd been during the screening of this.

02. Donkey Punch
Before seeing this film, I didn't even know what a Donkey Punch was. Now, thanks to Ollie Blackburn, I've seen one occur. And I will never forget the filthy memory of a bloke bunging a woman, before punching her neck so he can have a better sexy-time, and, in doing so, accidentally killing her. I had a listen to The Guardian's Jason Solomon interviewing the director, to which he self-preened to the heavens about how proud of himself for making this edgy, brave piece of cinema. He declared that the women in the film were "intelligent, independent women". Yup, they sure looked intelligent and indepedent when they were taking MDMA, partaking in orgies, waving a knife about and screaming like twats. Shitly acted, shitly written, shitly directed and pretty much shitty from start to finish, the only real joy I got from watching this film was larfing when one of the leads died comedically.

01. Burn After Reading
My most despised film of the year. It baffles me how the Coen brothers, who's esoteric brand of comedy I usually adore (The Hudsucker Proxy was what got me to have a 5-year-long crush on Tim Robbins and Intolerable Cruelty made me giggle at all the right bits) could put together such a piece of unadulterated bollocks, a film that feels me with so much rage, I could give the hulk a run for his money. There's just nothing right about it; Tilda Swinton is and always will be a bitch, George Clooney invents a shitty (and painful looking) sex toy which Frances McDormand, being the dumb fool she is, declares to be "brilliant", and Brad Pitt lounges about like a retard. Such is the awfulness of the cast, that it gave me poor memories during other films - at the cinema this Wednesday when watching The Curious Case of Ben Button, in the scenes between Swinton and Pitt, it was all I could do from glowering when remembering how I'd wasted £1.40-something on the Coen's piece of turd. The plot has no direction; the Coens just let their imaginations run away with them and it's taken them to dark, dark places. It's the smuggest thing I've ever seen, and I feel the Coens should have their No Country for Old Men oscars detracted just to teach them a lesson.


Katie said...

Sex and the City
My Blueberry Nights
27 Dresses

Anonymous said...

Anyone who names Gomorrah as one of the worst films of the year and Step Up as a masterpiece knows nothing about film and should stop writing immediately.

Reel Fanatic said...

I'm sorry to hear that "Angus, Thongs and Snogging" is indeed so bad, but not all that surprised ... I know in my heart that "Bend It Like Beckham" is far from high art, but to me its just one of the funnest movies I can think of, so I was hoping Gurinder Chadha would come up with a winner here somehow ... And I liked "Burn After Reading" a lot more than you did, but it was indeed a lesser effort at best from the Coens

Besty said...

Sorry, but you ranting about how much you hate Donkey Punch just makes me want to watch it more and more. :p

paul haine said...

Just tried and failed to watch Gomorra. I'm sure it's very artistic and deep and meaningful and I feel bad for the director now under permanent police protection for his exposing of the Mafia, but it was also just...boring...

the misomaniac said...

paris hilton's "the hottie and the nottie" is SO, SO, SO, SO, SO much worse. you ought to watch it immediately.

Harry W said...

I saw 27 Dresses and Teeth back-to-back. Worst double bill of my life.

Slumdog Millionaire should also be in for a mention.

paul haine said...

Oh, I just remembered The Oxford Murders. Definitely the worst film I saw in 2008.

Emma said...

No Slumdog Millionaire should not be in for a bunging mention!

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