My mum made me tidy my room today, so I cleared out a lot of old newspapers and notes that were decaying in the corners of my bedroom. But one thing that I found, and that triggered off some serious cringing, was a film script that I wrote when I was younger. Being the deluded idiot that I was, I’d genuinely believed back then that it was good enough to be turned into a movie, and hence, had printed the script – all 108 pages of it – onto A4 paper, in courier 12 font, indented and formatted like a movie script, in case, one day, I met a movie director who’d be interested. A waste of effort, a waste of paper, and a waste of time.
After having a read through it (and asked “What were you thinking, you daft twunt?!” only about a thousand times), I’ve decided that the only thing you can do is laugh. So, for your viewing displeasure, I’ve decided to bung it up on t’blog, a ridiculous section at a time, and just generally take the piss out of the idiot that I was to think I could pull this off. The genre is crime comedy, and it centres around three kids who choose to fight crime in California. I won’t give away the title yet, mainly because it makes me shudder just saying it.
You don't have to read the script or anything (108 pages is just a bit on the long side), but simply enjoy me laugh at myself.
I can just about let myself have this. It’s an awfully forced introduction with its “A noisy classroom” (ffs, what classrooms aren’t noisy?), but at least I’ve managed to introduce three of the main players in the story – Ben Tyler, Tim Riley and Matt Wilson.
No point being coy about this, when I scripted the movie, I’d already known who I was gonna have playing them. Blond Tim was going to be played by Haley Joel Osment, who, when I was younger, I had the major hots for, and throughout the script, there are hints of frission between him and the female lead, who I won’t say who its based on ‘cos it’s simply too embarrassing (you’ll work it out.) I also quite fancied Rupert Grint, and he was my inspiration for Ben (hence the ginger), though I’ve written him as 5’5”, which is totally wrong. He’s at least 6’2” now. The movie’s set in California, but two-thirds of the crimefighting trio that is Ben, Tim and Fry (introduced later) are British.
And Frankie Muniz was going to play Matt. I fancied him as well.
This is just too cringey for words. Matt is bullying Tim because his middle name’s Emile. It’s just so forced and crap. Emile's a decent name. And this, “Sir, I got into a fight with another boy and won!” is just shit. Firstly, don’t they only say “Sir” and “Miss” in Britain? Secondly, Matt the bully would be too badass to start bragging to teachers about how amazing he was. And thirdly, it’s just rubbish.
And, the introduction of Fry. She’s called Fry because I was obsessed with Futurama back then. She’s a 5’2” Chinese girl who fancies herself a bit. Worked out who was gonna play her?
I love how that little brat Fry has been in the classroom all of five seconds, and she’s already made herself enemies. Bitch. And also, I spelt “single” wrong!! Cringe! Plus, this, “I’m a guy, totally untouchable.” OK, even if Matt did love himself, there’s no way he’d spew shite like this! Ugh, Emma!!
And it ends on Fry “warning” Matt. Gee, I’m terrified.
Yeah, so Fry turns out to be a dab hand at karate. This is when you realise that the script I’ve penned isn’t so much a crime comedy, as “wish fulfilment on Emma’s part.” When I was 14, I wished I was a kung-fu Goddess, so, I’ve made Fry one. This is soooooooooo embarrassing.
Plus, if Fry really had injured Matt, the teacher would have kicked her out of the school, new student or not.
Plus, lines like “Matt is really gonna get her”? WTF?!?!? I mean, I know I was young, but for Gawd’s sake.
They turned the little bitch away, and rightly so, but to do so because she was “uncool”, just shows how weak Fry and Ben are. Idiots.
(Then again, I did create them.)
And then they repent about a second later, so convincing.
Basically, the Chinese girl’s real name is Lisa, but she chose to rename herself Fry because she was obsessed with Futurama. Ugh, loser. At least she liked Matt Groening.
This is where I reveal that Ben is a Brit too. Cos Rupert is.
And then Matt finds the Motley crew, and calls them “the freak brigade”. I’m sure that he would call Fry a lot worse, seeing as she did just beat him up, but I wanted this film to be a 12A, so I kept the swearing relatively light.
Cringe, cringe, cringe. “I don’t care, as long as Tim and Ben like me”?!?!?! She’s only just met them, and suddenly they’re like bff?? WTF is this, Gossip Girl? Gawd’s sake.
And LOL at Matt offering Ben and Tim the opportunity to be popular in return for snubbing Fry.
Predictably, Ben and Tim choose Fry’s side. They become friends.
Matt finds the three again, to bully them. Cue more verbal abuse at Fry, who says “bang out of order.” Yawn.
Wow, character development! Ben, shy, loserish Ben, suddenly stands up for Fry, a girl he’s only just met for about 10 seconds. Matt retorts by making fun of his hair (around the time of writing this, Rupert had a rubbish haircut.)
And another “kung-fu” scene. Jackie Chan I am not.
Srsly, so shit. Next time I criticise a film’s script, I think I should just think about this one for a while, and stay silent.
And I’m not going to use age as an excuse. This was rubbish! I mean, it’s quite funny now to look back and laugh at, but to think that I genuinely believed this was blockbuster material! Eww. De-luded!
So, I’m going to bit by bit, post up the remains of this “script” over the Summer. You don’t have to read it, honestly, this is more for me to just look back at how much of an arrogant little shite I was. I mean, honestly, naming a girl Fry …