What Future Oscar Nominees Could Have Been…

The Departed

Rated 15 for Strong Language and Some Mercenary Behaviour.

The Departed tells the story of a “rat” in Arsenal FC, who is soon discovered (he’s not too good at keeping quiet) and consequently sold to Chelsea FC. His departure is a deeply acrimonious affair and a reunion match where he meets his old team reminds him of all that he left behind (i.e., not a lot.)

Like with Scorsese’s version, my adaptation of The Departed has some very sexy men in blue, the acme of male beauty being José Mourinho (who we shall give the Nicholson role by association and not by looks, lol). Michael Ballack & Matt Damon actually look quite alike and are both talented performers, though not so of late, so their roles are interchangeable. In the lead role, Ashley Cole gives a convincingly twitchy performance. Extra treats in my edition not present in the original include the visual orgasm of Andriy Shevchenko, Arjen Robben , Frank Lampard and Shaun Wright-Philips. Also, unlike the original (which feature the odd but of black humour), laughs are rife, the highlight being that fantastic little double act between Didier Drogba and Jens Lehmann.

Probable Oscar nominations:
Best Film (lol.)
Best Actor – Ashley Cole (as a Gooner)
Best Actress in a Supporting Role – Didier Drogba
Best Actress in a Supporting Role – Jens Lehmann
Best Foreign Film (there’s the odd bit of German, French & Portuguese swearing.)


The History Girls

Rated 15 for Sexual References & Language.

A group of girls attending a stiff-upper lip grammar school have all the qualities suitable for Oxbridge – they’re smartarse, they’re up themselves, and their A-levels weren’t too bad either. But there’s on problem – they’re insanely pretty. Could this hinder their chances of making it into “one of the best universities in the worldÓ”?

Funny, sad, and utterly, utterly vapid (like the writer of the film, me) this films teaches you the three main rules of fashion:

1) Heels are only when you really need them.
2) Make-up is a no-no.
3) Bananas are yellow.

Audiences in the UK clicked with it more than those in the US, who, like with most things, just “didn’t get” this masterpiece. Their loss.

Probable Oscar nominations:
Best Director (Emma Zummer, aka me)
Best Original Screenplay (Emma Zummer, aka me)

Sorry, I felt really random.

Now you do some.

Tags: The Departed, Oscars, The History Boys, Chelsea, Ashley Cole, diving, football, Scorsese, weird, Christmas.

And I should probably give you your present now:

Yep. For the film score, I've gone for an oldie. Enjoy!