Monday, April 10, 2006

Top 10... Worst Actors of All Time.

In 2005, Heath, Reese, Rachel and many others cast aside their cheesecake images to deliver good performances. Here are some people who have never had that pleasure.
01. Hilary Duff
She grins cheesily through every one of her movies, thinking it’ll get her through, but surprise, surprise, it’s never worked. She can overact like Hell – witness her “surprise” or “worry” in the likes of The Lizzie McGuire Movie or Agent Cody Banks, and she can also simper, grin a bit more and sing horrifically, but there’s no way on Earth she can act. Painful.

02. Orlando Bloom
In every scene he was in for Lord of the Rings, the trees gave Oscar-worthy performances compared to him. Simply put, there is not a soul on this planet who is as wooden as him. Watching him “act” in the likes of Kingdom of Heaven and Elizabethtown would actually be a laughable experience, if it were not for the fact that he gets paid. And we don’t.

03. Emma Watson
As if the masterful Harry Potter books haven’t been bastardised enough with terrible screenplay and, save third, completely weak direction, the casting directors had give us the little git that is Emma Watson. Her eyebrow acting ruins every scene she’s in, and, now that she’s grown up, she feels to need to throw in arm gestures and a few false tears, making the films now a masterclass in the Art of overacting. Oh dear.

04. Kyle MacLachlan (or however the Hell you spell it)
Some actors underact. Well, this talented auteur doesn’t have any facial expressions to underact with. In just about every film I’ve seen him he’s just repeated his lines blandly, and even in Sex & the City, where he was playing a generic husband role, he was impassive as Hell. Hollywood, just stop giving him roles, please. Oh wait, you have.

05. Scarlett Johansson
She slept-walked her way through Lost in Translation, sat around in a trampy way in A Love Song for Bobby Long, overacted in Match Point… I wish this dunce could choose a style, or bugger off, so that our screens don’t have to polluted with her image. More hard work, less sleeping around, please, Slutty Scar.
The rest
06. Daniel Radcliffe
07. Sienna Miller
08. Sylvester Stallone
09. Dakota Fanning
10. Rory Culkin

Oh, and people who disagree with this fantastic list can just post theirs. For all members of the “I eat at MacDonalds everyday”, sorry, I mean, Scarlett Johansson fan club don’t waste your time using the “it’s only because you’re jealous” argument. If I’d be jealous of anyone, it’d be the likes of Uma Thurman, Audrey Tautou, or Evangeline Lilly – beauty as well as talent. As it happens, none of these twats have any.

31 comments:

MysticFist said...

You have two of my favourites there, that hurts.

Kyle. As we all know, some people bring out the best in others, and this guy is simply not the same when Lynch is not around to put him on the right track. His great performances in Blue Velvet and especially what I saw of Twin Peaks, however, should have earned him a place out of this list! I'd argue that he was good in Showgirls as well, but I don't want to be laughed at.

Sly. Come on. One of the ten worst? You should go back to reading the Empire mag... if anything, he's one of the ten most underrated of all-time.

Also, agreed on Orlando Bloom, but disagreed on Dakota Fanning (and especially on the McDonalds lady). I'll go for the obvious ones...

01. Chuck Norris
02. Michael Dudikoff (oh, man)
03. Steven Seagal
04. Vin Diesel
05. Sam J Jones (oh, man)
06. JC Van-Damme
07. Orlando Bloom
08. Ben Affleck
09. Keanu Reeves

... and Bill Murray annoys me. : |

Emma said...

Under Lynch's direction, MacLachlachwhatever is even worse. Without him he's awful enough. I was so glad when his character was finally killed off in Hamlet.

Oh, and you disagreeing about Scarlett Hohansson... don't worry! TBP isn't listening, you know!

Emma said...

Ben Affleck? He's nowhere near as bad as Scarlett Johansson!

MysticFist said...

He's not listening? Oh, then there's no point in lying just to impress (?) him, is there? Anyway, Scarly was in Match Point, and I really liked her there. And she was sweet in Lost in Translation, even if I wasn't too fond of her acting. Ben Affleck is not sweet, so he's worse!

Emma said...

Ben Affleck has given one good performance in his life - in Shakespeare in Love. Scarlett Johansson has never done such a thing.

MysticFist said...

*disagrees*

Emma said...

By disagrees you mean agrees, right?

MysticFist said...

Of course?

Alex Crawford said...

Hey, nice blog. I love lists. Firstly, can't agree with you about Scarlett, and I hate McDonalds, so something doesn't add up. She was genuinely great in Ghost World and Girl with a Pearl Earring and nobody came out of the godawful Match Point with any semblance of the dignity that they began the film with. A bit harsh picking on Sienna Miller as well, I think. She's not a great actress, but hasn't disgraced herself has she? Aside from the Jude/Daniel love triangle thing, but then maybe she just likes guys that look like monkeys. I'll have a think about an alternate 10, but it will start with Ewen Bremner, I can promise you that.

jack said...

Agreed on Scarlett. Hate her.

RestInPeace said...

If I’d be jealous of anyone, it’d be the likes of Uma Thurman, Audrey Tautou, or Evangeline Lilly – beauty as well as talent.

Strawwomen counter-arguments! We got your strawwomen counter-arguments here! Piping fresh!

Anonymous said...

Scarlett is awesome , you jelous women, and homosexuals!

Anonymous said...

Scarlett is awesome , you jealous women, and homosexuals!

Anonymous said...

Hey, person from IMDb who's just clicked on this link? I wouldn't bother commenting, I'm onto you. And I'm going to tell Emma where you live.

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Cal said...

You're not going to be happy with me for this....

I'm going to have to add Clive Owen in "King Arthur" to your list...

But great call on Orlando and Daniel Radcliffe! There's two movie franchises which would be near-perfect without those two..

knigget said...

I agree with your whole list suprisingly oh and Bill Murray is supposed to be annoying its what makes him funny and what about Jon Heder though he is one of the worst actors I have ever seen.

Anonymous said...

sienna was amazing in factory girl. and Dakota was nominated for an oscar for gods sakes.

BethanyJ Dickens said...

I'm glad Johnansson was on there. My God, if someone hands you a Nolan script and you monotone your way through it it like she did in the Prestige, you have earned my disrespect forever. Of course that's not to say that was the only crappy performance she ever did, you mentioned a few but lets not forget The Island...though I will admit Girl with a Pearl Earing was somewhat better for her, if only because the part was written very laid-back.
And to add...some may consider the Dakota Fanning thing a miss but I mean c'mon even if you love her, think she's a great actress (I do) doesn't she creep you out just the teeniest bit????

Anonymous said...

I like Scarlett J just fine. Remember, in The Island, she was playing a CLONE. Not supposed to have too much emotion, as I recall.

The actors who bother me the most are the ones who are supposed to be real, trained actors (Ben Affleck) who just simply CAN'T ACT! Shakespeare in Love??? He almost single-handedly RUINED that movie. I'll give you Good Will Hunting, though.

For me, the worst ever is a toss-up between Madonna and Matthew McConaughey.

Anonymous said...

After thorough research on this topic, I have developed the definitive (and final) top ten worst actors/actresses list. It is final and there will be no questioning it. Additions/alterations in position can only be made upon death of one of the members. And away we go:

#10- Michael Dudikoff. When a script comes along that includes ninjas appearing in broad daylight to kidnap the President of the United States, it takes a special kind of actor to accept the role of American Ninja.
#9- Carl Weathers. Dillon!! 'Nough said.
#8- Julia Roberts. I'm entirely baffled as to how this woman gets work in Hollywood. Not only is she talentless, but she's painful to look at as well. Her performance in Pretty Woman was fair, and didn't rule her out as potentially talented, but every horror film she made after that solidified her inability to play a convincing role.
#7- Jan-Michael Vincent. This is what happens when you give a drunkard his juice and then start filming.
#6- Steven Seagal. Steven Seagal is not a human being, he is the reincarnation of Satan himself.
#5- Wesley Snipes. Talentless
#4- Paul Walker. Talentless and painful to hear and see.
#3- Nicholas Cage. Blisteringly painful to watch. Nauseating.
#2- Vin Diesel. Again, someone not of this world. Late abortion is required here.
#1- Eric Roberts. Like his sister, this gentleman is completely devoid of talent. Any producer casting him in a film should be fined and physically punished.

Yossarian said...

While I am a fan of lists, I really can't take yours seriously. No Jason Statham for starters. And where is Steven Segal? He is THE WORST ACTOR EVER. And why you've picked on Emma Watson when she shone next to the cardboard cutout that is Daniel Radcliffe is beyond me... But you're young. You probably haven't seen enough (bad) films.

As for Dakota Fanning, you're just wrong. She was awesome in I Am Sam and Man On Fire.
Anyway.

1. Steven Segal. Just awful. Soul destroyingly, gut wrenchingly, ball achingly terrible. You can see that he believes that the turgid dross he serves up is somehow profound and this just makes it worse. I hate him.

2. Jason Statham. Jesus. How? He was alright in Lock, Stock and 2 Smoking Barrels because he was new and you could believe that he was a dodgy street trader. Ever since then he's given a masterclass in wooden acting that would make Pinocchio proud. Don't even get me started on his accent in The One.

3. Daniel Radcliffe. You can see him reading "pause" in his head. It's not really his fault, he was of course chosen for the way he looked and not his "acting ability" - because he has none.

4. Paris Hilton. I know she shouldn't really qualify but she's been in films. I know she'd dies in her films, which is good, but she's so bad she's here at number 4.

5. Keith Allen. Okay so he's not really a movie star but you only had to see him in Robin Hood to know why. Camp isn't the word - I've a new term for him. He's Butlins. Like camping but costs more and is really quite annoying once the novelty has worn off.

6. Ricky Gervais. Sorry Ricky, you're not funny, you're not pretty, you're not even so bad you're good. You're just a boring pastiche of a man who had a good idea once but who should now just go away.

7. Jean-Claude Van Damme. All that's needed here is a list of his films. A ballet dancer making bad martial arts films. Has made me cry more than once - THAT'S how bad he is.

8. Orlando Bloom. For all the reasons you said and more. Pirates of the Caribbean being a case in point.

9. Cuba Gooding, Jr. All that early promise and acting ability wasted on one crud film after another.

10. Jim Carrey. Rubber faced one-trick-pony cretin.

Nazim said...

We're recording a podcast on the top ten worst actors of all time, and a few of yours makes it to our list, it'll be live next week so make sure you take a gander over to: http://gogomedia.tv :)

Cheers,

Naz.

twitter: gogomedia / _naz
web: http://gogomedia.tv
email: me[at]gogomedia.tv

Anonymous said...

Dakota Fanning and Rory Culkin? You gotta be joking!! No Keanu Reeves, no Sylvester Stallone, no Melanie Griffith, no Christopher Lambert... you are joking!!

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Sam said...

Are you actually being serious. I can agree with you on Hilary Duff, but sylvester stallone performance in Rocky (the first one) deffinitely means he should not be put on this list and also has delivered a good performance although to be honest his remakes and the whole Rambo series are shocking. You do appear to be a fucking idiot for puttin Scarlett in that list and I seriosuly mean that, she has starred in superb films such as Lost in Translation, how many nominations did she recieve for that performance again? Oh yeah thats right over 5 including winning BAFTA award for Best Actress. I bet you have not even seen Girl with a Pearl Earringanother amazing performance from her.

Daniel Radcliffe again should not be on this list with his Harry Potter Movie not actually to bad and performing brilliantly in December Boys (again I bet you have not even got a clue about that movie)

So thank you for giving me a list which i generally laughed at. I also find it a real shame that people have to read stupid opinions from ignorant people like yourself who do not have a CLUE about films and peoples performances in them. :)

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Kyle M - yes definitely, although in Sex in The City you just thought he was meant to be that way until seeing him in other movies!

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brykMantra said...

MysticFist: Keanu Reeves all the way down at 9??? I agree that all those action "stars" might be worse than him, but pretty much NOBODY else is.

Well, okay, maybe Matthew McConaughey, but he wasn't on your list.